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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset we weren't invited to the wedding

258 replies

Daisypod · 29/06/2024 15:31

My step sister is getting married in august, the invites went out a few weeks ago and it's become clear me and dh aren't invited. I asked my mum about this and she confirmed it, said she had asked my step dad about it and he just said he didn't want to get involved.
Mum and him got together when the kids were older teens/young adults so step siblings have never lived together but we've always got on. We all live in different cities and even countries but we have get togethers at Christmas etc
The wedding is abroad and child free (we have a few kids) but one of the other step siblings got married last year and it was child free and we went and had a lovely time, we had zero problem with this.
It's become clear also that it is going to be a very 'instagramable' wedding and we just don't fit in, all their friends are glamorous and we are homely and overweight.
They have invited family of parents, step parents, full siblings and their partners and about 40 friends according to my mum but we haven't made the cut.
I know the usual mn attitude is people can invite who they want to their wedding but Aibu to feel sad and angry at not being invited?

OP posts:
rainbow126 · 30/06/2024 19:56

I wouldn’t be too hurt by this since it’s a small wedding. Plus, you don’t know if she limited family her side to exclude step-relatives to avoid inviting someone on his side. Also not everyone views step-relatives as on the same “family” level as blood relatives.

hoggyhedge · 30/06/2024 20:03

It's a massive snub alright

I would be pleased that you're now off the hook for any future obligations like birthday or xmas gifts now that you're not in the top 40 people

Gill61 · 30/06/2024 20:05

We were invited to our sons wedding but they did not invite granddad or brother or sister but all the brides family were invited the excuse was only people who had done things for them.

Razorwire · 30/06/2024 20:13

My step-sister did this to me and siblings years ago, i decided that she did me a favour
Because for past 12 years, I have not felt obligated to invite her to anything.
She said, “it’s not YOU, …” she didn’t want to invite one of my brothers. So effing rude. And we aren’t even ugly!!

So, I guess full-blood is thicker than step-blood, we all cut her & her mum out of our lives and family things so much more chill. (Dad died shortly after her wedding didn’t need to deal w him )
I do wonder what her husband thinks. I bumped into him after, & he didn’t seem to know that we weren’t invited, he thought we all had a conflict and couldn’t attend.(He is from another country & language, maybe easy for her fool him).

she is unhinged.

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/06/2024 20:15

It's a bit of a crap way to find out they don't really like you as much as you thought...

But all this vicious 'sad, fake, plastic, etc etc'...

They don't have to like you. They didn't choose to be your step sibling. You only know them because their parent married yours.

Whats fake or plastic about someone simply not liking someone else. We can't all like everyone!

Now you know, you also don't have to invite them to your stuff, you don't have to send presents etc. Follow their lead!

Starrynights9 · 30/06/2024 20:16

Daisypod · 29/06/2024 18:28

One of the reasons I said about the aesthetics is there is a very strict dress code for colours being allowed to wear.
I know I should really ask outright but quite frankly I don't want to hear the rejection in person.
Thank you everyone I shall move on, concentrate on my family and put it down to me feeling the relationship was more than it actually is.

A strict dress code regarding colours allowed to be worn to the wedding. If I was invited to a wedding like this I would politely refuse. Why on earth are you upset. The whole thing seems laughable. I'm sorry you are having to be involved with people like this. Stay amicable, keep the peace but in all honesty you are not missing out on anything here. I'd feel sorry for them. Hold your head high, your better than this.

Mlb123 · 30/06/2024 20:17

You are definitely not unreasonable to feel hurt and upset, but keep your dignity while remembering this snub in the future when it comes to your stepsister and give no invites to any family events, show zero interest in details of the wedding or photographs and like others have suggested-use the money that it would have cost you to attend this wedding and buy a gift, to treat your own family unit to a nice holiday or something lovely for the home you can enjoy at the time of the wedding which will help stop you being too sad on the day. They've not been thoughtful towards you, so try not to give them a thought ever in the future. Hugs though as it really hurts being left out I know xx

blondieminx · 30/06/2024 20:32

YANBU, at all.

Their behaviour is extremely hurtful. As others have said, no need to make any effort with them from here on.

2021x · 30/06/2024 20:38

Let’s hope she doesn’t need a kidney…

justasmalltownmum · 30/06/2024 20:41

She's your sister? Just ring her and ask what's up

saraclara · 30/06/2024 20:44

Gill61 · 30/06/2024 20:05

We were invited to our sons wedding but they did not invite granddad or brother or sister but all the brides family were invited the excuse was only people who had done things for them.

Wow.

Did you go?

Mlb123 · 30/06/2024 20:45

I also wouldn't let your mind go round tying yourself in knots trying to find answers to why they've not invited you. Already you're comparing yourself to other invited people and wondering if it's because you are homely and that possibly it's down to you not fitting with a certain image. That appears to me to signify that there is nothing that's happened in the past or recently that explains any bad feeling caused by any conflict, so you are literally clutching at straws to find a reason. Your stepsister will surely know how awful you will feel being left out, so there must be something going on with her that you are not aware of. Perhaps she is jealous of how close you are to your parent and their parent. Of course I am only speculating and can't know if that's the case, but if you've always seemed to get on and there hasn't been any conflict then something has to be afoot to explain leaving you out in this cruel way. I don't believe it's likely to be anything to do with you not fitting a certain image, but you coming to that as a possible explanation shows how little you have to go on and it also shows how hurtful this has been for you. I hate the way people in life can be so passive aggressive as it causes so much hurt and confusion. You are better off without that in your life and at least you know in future that this person doesn't think of you as close family xxxx

LazyGewl · 30/06/2024 20:48

Sometimes humans make me sick.

Sorry, op. That's pretty horrible of them.

riceuten · 30/06/2024 20:54

Yes, you’re right to feel sad and angry, but don’t let it bother you long term, and reassess your relationship and contact with them thereafter. Definitely sounds like the kind of wedding I would swerve to avoid , to be honest.

JudgeJ · 30/06/2024 21:00

FeelingHotHotHotFeelingHotHotHot · 30/06/2024 11:25

Well if you feel you have to give them a card for any given event @Daisypod may I recommend this one.....?

Show quote history

Looks perfect to me!

Gill61 · 30/06/2024 21:06

No @saraclara we didn't go we all fell out and haven't seen them since , very sad

JudgeJ · 30/06/2024 21:15

Starrynights9 · 30/06/2024 20:16

A strict dress code regarding colours allowed to be worn to the wedding. If I was invited to a wedding like this I would politely refuse. Why on earth are you upset. The whole thing seems laughable. I'm sorry you are having to be involved with people like this. Stay amicable, keep the peace but in all honesty you are not missing out on anything here. I'd feel sorry for them. Hold your head high, your better than this.

Show quote history

I wonder what happens to the wedding guests who don't conform the the orders regarding colour. Is there a checkpoint at the Church door or wherever and are people refused entry?

Thistlewoman · 30/06/2024 21:17

YANBU. It seems very unkind. Try not to let it upset you-tbh if the wedding is going for full-on instagrammable, it probably won't be a whole lot of spontaneous fun anyway, just a series of staged photo ops!

Skybluepinky · 30/06/2024 21:26

As u r only step sisters, I’m not at all shocked u rnt invited, and chances are if u we’re it’d be a token invite and they wouldn’t want u there.

PickledKT · 30/06/2024 21:34

They have walked into that awkwardness and that at their peril!

there were only 18 of us at my wedding but it was kept to secret no announcements on facebook so family members and friends didn't get upset (until afterwards) the only people who were upset were the family we don't talk to! Funny that!😂😂 Everyone else was really happy for me.

no one should fit into "an instagramable" category- it's not real! And if they want to rely on instagram for that validation, have gratitude for not being apart of that. It sounds like they are doing this purely to look good on instagram and not for the love and spending it with the people that matter most xxx

HanSB · 30/06/2024 21:35

That’s very hurtful and it would have been clear to her that it would cause upset. I wouldn’t make efforts with her in the future knowing that I didn’t mean enough as family to be invited. Also from your stepdads reaction I would have a word with your mum about their wills, that whatever they want is very clear to all as I can just see your step siblings causing issues in the future.

SiobhanSharpe · 30/06/2024 21:35

Daisypod · 29/06/2024 18:28

One of the reasons I said about the aesthetics is there is a very strict dress code for colours being allowed to wear.
I know I should really ask outright but quite frankly I don't want to hear the rejection in person.
Thank you everyone I shall move on, concentrate on my family and put it down to me feeling the relationship was more than it actually is.

I totally understand you're upset, @Daisypod , something similar happened to me.
It was my DB, my only sibling and with whom I'm fairly close, speak every week but meet only about four times a year since he moved to the West Country.
I was so sad when he told me that he and his long term partner had just got married. It was a registry office wedding with a couple of neighbours as witnesses.
We would have gladly gone along, just DH and I, to support and congratulate them but they didn't tell us until after it was over. They wouldn't have had to host us, we could have taken them out to lunch, booked into a hotel for the night and returned home the next day.
I'm still a bit sad about it, TBH, I love both of them and am sorry i didn't see them get married. They'd been together for over 30 years!

I don't think it was a deliberate slight, they just wanted to keep it very low key. 😢

Loafbeginsat60 · 30/06/2024 21:42

My cousin lived with us for a year. Met someone and got married and despite living next door to us, didn't invite us.

I've hardly spoken to her since. Suffice to say she didn't make the cut for our wedding guest list....

saraclara · 30/06/2024 21:49

Gill61 · 30/06/2024 21:06

No @saraclara we didn't go we all fell out and haven't seen them since , very sad

I understand entirely why the falling out happened. What a dreadful and selfish way to prioritise their guests. You must have been so distressed.

savethatkitty · 30/06/2024 22:06

Maybe they just don't view you as "close" relatives.

TBH, I'd just wish them well & move on. Going forward, I guess you know where you stand.