Upset we weren't invited to the wedding

[Daisypod]

My step sister is getting married in august, the invites went out a few weeks ago and it's become clear me and dh aren't invited. I asked my mum about this and she confirmed it, said she had asked my step dad about it and he just said he didn't want to get involved.
Mum and him got together when the kids were older teens/young adults so step siblings have never lived together but we've always got on. We all live in different cities and even countries but we have get togethers at Christmas etc
The wedding is abroad and child free (we have a few kids) but one of the other step siblings got married last year and it was child free and we went and had a lovely time, we had zero problem with this.
It's become clear also that it is going to be a very 'instagramable' wedding and we just don't fit in, all their friends are glamorous and we are homely and overweight.
They have invited family of parents, step parents, full siblings and their partners and about 40 friends according to my mum but we haven't made the cut.
I know the usual mn attitude is people can invite who they want to their wedding but Aibu to feel sad and angry at not being invited?

You're right I don't know about all the friends being invited fitting the bill, I've just seen a lot of them on social media so that is on me.
I mentioned the friend as an indication as to how their relationships had changed with regards to the wedding, up until now this was her best and oldest friend but she is willing to pretty much cut contact as friend can't go which I think isn't right.

Step father doesn't like confrontation which I can understand as I don't either and it's not his wedding so I don't feel differently about him

I think you are wrong @sixpiacksally .
It rather feels for me that @Daisypod likes her step sibling, considers her a part of the wider family and is genuinely upset that her step sister feels differently.

@Daisypod YANBU. Also, if lookism is indeed the reason for the snub, these people may be glam on the outside, but they are hideous on the inside.

Yes @pizzaHeart that's it. I'm very family oriented and I would always put family first as to me they are the people who you should be able to rely on and I hope my family (step, in-laws or full) know that I will always be there for them.

If it makes you feel any better there's been at least 1 wedding that each of my 3 brothers have had that I haven't been invited to. The ones that I have been invited to I was just a guest, no special role. My brothers have been each other's best man or usher but no role for their only sister. And yet when I got married my mom insisted that it would be unfair if all 3 weren't my ushers. Bitter and twisted? You bet!!

OP, I think the strange thing to me is, if you were genuinely close - then you would just ask her? Why the need for of all of this guessing and thirdhand information? Even the best friend will present the side of the story that makes her look good, you're not going to know what's actually happened.
Your initial post was about 'step-siblings' and as PP pointed out, being a step-sibling doesn't guarantee a close relationship. Fine.

Now you say you're close to this person, enough to meet up individually etc, I don't see how, in that case, they can not invite you and still have such a close relationship. But that isn't related to you being a step-sibling.

It would be extremely odd to not invite you, but then happily meet up with you , and as I said, not mention anything about the wedding. Unless maybe, since she moved away, you're not that close anymore, and she just thinks that the relationship has run its course. You are still tied to her, as a step-siblings but she just sees you as a friend. Surely the relationship is now irrevocably damaged?

BTW I never actually said whether YABU or not. If you felt close to someone and they made it clear that they don't feel the same, YANBU to feel hurt. Anybody would be. @pizzaHeart As PP have pointed out, people don't have the same expectations with regards to step siblings.

It's more about the reasons for not inviting you, that to me isn't clear cut.

Oh and the other thing is, if you were also genuinely close to your other step-siblings... one of them at least would have further thoughts on this surely. And discussed it with you.

Maybe they all know something that you don't?

No you are not wrong to feel the way you do. They don't want you there which is hurtful. Don't send a present or card. Or ask about it at all.

Yes that sucks. Polite and distant from now on. Nought you can do about it but feeling hurt is natural.

I think you're a little harsh to jump to the conclusion you aren't "instagram-friendly" enough. It's a child-free wedding abroad and you have children; they may have just thought it's all too much hassle.

It's also very common for people to prioritise their friends. That doesn't mean they don't like you.

You were married and gone before your respective parents got together. You are step-siblings in name only, rather than having a shared family bond.

I think it's reasonable to feel upset and unreasonable to feel angry.

Oops, it never even occurred to us to invite step siblings to our wedding - we don't even consider them step siblings, as we didn't know them growing up - they're just my Dad's wife's kids. Nice enough folk but in absolutely no way close.

"It's become clear also that it is going to be a very 'instagramable' wedding"
In which case, i give it a year.

Look forward to spending the wedding present money on a lovely family day our, surely they won't want/expect a present from unsuitable people!

Spend that saved money on a great holiday for you and your family.
It must hurt I would be hurt but I'd never show it to them .You now know where you stand with them.
I wouldn't be sending a gift nor a card , a congratulations when you.next see them and no wedding chat nor looking at tedious pretend lifestyle pictures for you .

Hopefully you can avoid all these tedious events too. I think you're on a winner.

Spend the money on a lovely trip with your children and don't give this another thought.

Hi OP, I can understand how hurt and upset you are , you have every right to feel like that. You describe yourself as homely and overweight and assume that you weren't invited as you wouldn't fit into their instagram wedding. If that is the case, it sums up what type of shallow people they are. You said you had money put aside for the wedding. I hope you enjoy the holiday with your family, you so deserve it. Onwards and upwards!

@Daisypod ignore it.hard I know but the more nonsense they include in the wedding the shorter the marriage will be.
And even if they stay married forever you'll always know they're vain egotists who cares more about a photo than family.

DH had a cousin who behaved rather similarly. They didn't get a wedding present and when they announced the births of their dc they didn't get cards or presents then.

Don't go. Don't say anything. Spend the money you would have spent going to their wedding on a little break for your family and make sure the rest of the family are told what a fab time you had on that little break.

Enjoy being fat and homely and yiur family unit. Sincerity is important and karma will visit the dozy mare

If they viewed you as family, you would be invited. They clearly don’t.

you are now free to never worry about including them in family gatherings going forward. If they happen to be in attendance, you don’t need to be rude, but no need to include them in planning.

I wonder what she will say next time you meet up, she's made things a bit awkward for everyone hasn't she really especially if you were invited to their siblings wedding previously.

I can't imagine having a wedding with guests only based on how they look.

Christ, how Mumsnet for some people to hone in on one part of a post and derail the whole thread over it 🙄

OP, you have every right to be upset. From what you've said re Xmas meet ups and the kids playing together etc, you have clearly spent more than enough time with them to warrant an invite.

Yes, you could be making a little assumption re aesthetics BUT it's equally likely that DSS is just being a massive Bridezilla and a bit of a bitch!

Either way, I'd be backing off those meet ups. She's made it clear your family aren't a priority to her so don't prioritise time with her, in future.

YANBU to feel upset, but at least you don't have to fork out for an expensive wedding abroad. It's probably more to do with numbers than anything else....try to get past it, wish them well and move on.

This.
Or
Take Michelle Obama's advice - "When they go low, you go high." or words to that effect and send them a card and a small gift.
They'll squirm.