Is petrol expense a family or personal expense ?

[Optimist2020]

Me and my partner will be buying a house in the near future . We have a child together and are planning to pool our finances once we have purchased a house. Currently our finances are separate.

This evening we were talking about what are family expenses and what are personal expenses . I shared that petrol , repairs and and MOT for both of our cars should some out of the family budget.

My partner disagrees and states that as I earn more than him and I work in the office 3 x a week it should come out of my personal expense . My partner currently wfh and is in the office once a month. I shared that when he gets a new car the funds should come out of the family account but if he wants me to pay for my petrol then he can pay for his car.

He shared that him contributing towards my petrol is possibly financial abuse. I then said this is a household issue and expense as me going to the office 3 x a week is important so I can keep my job , especially as I’m the higher earner.

We both have never combined our monies together before.

AIBU- petrol & car repairs should not come out of personal allowance?

He’s now agreed for the petrol expense to come out of the joint account. I think before I even put my house up for sale we will do a draft budget for household expenses for a bigger house.

We both have cars and both pay for our own cars. We put equal amounts into the bills account but use his car more regularly for shipping etc. He earns slightly more so this evens out wage difference.
But we don't have children. I think if you have children it's easy to pool everything

Just realised you aren't married. Tenant in Common is a fab idea.

Set out ground rules for your disposable income. If you save and he spends, this should be protected too. Also talk about of you have more children and household duties. The financial abuse comment was deeply concerning. You are financially supportive.

What about a prenup? Have you sought the advice of a solicitor?

Also intelligence comes on many forms.

I wouldn't rush to marry.

And I say that as someone who's been married for years & thinks it's a very good thing.

Taking a firm stance now will stand you in good stead later.

We also have a spreadsheet of our monthly spending and review this occasionally to see if we need to up our budget. It's also helpful to see where we overspend

If you are left with personal spending money after pooling then I personally think gym and golf should come out of personal money. They are not a family expense.

@ImplacableDiscernment

Also intelligence comes on many forms.

Couldn't agree more!

@Optimist2020

Glad you're putting steps in place to protect yourself financially, to the benefit of your child(ren). Perhaps also consider putting in place a Trust for protection of your child(ren) in case anything happens to you in future - whether a legal professional or a trusted, financially savvy family member in charge.

Also, what were the financial arrangements when you were on maternity leave? Did you fund that completely yourself or did your partner contribute fairly for that, including any pension hit you may have taken whilst you were unable to work? 🌹

Well done OP!

@Optimist2020 : saw your last comment too about the spreadsheet

Do that but tbh don’t combine finances as he is taking the comfortable lifestyle you provide for granted

I can understand why you didn’t change rent to protect your own house BUT this has given him a massive boost and he sounds very ungrateful!

Protect yourself and DON’T get married. Relationships are about feelings, and feelings can change. If his does, you will be saying goodbye to your life savings and pension

You already have a child: what possible benefit could there be to you of marrying this man?

I speak from being in a similar position anticipating moving in with a well educated man with less financial stability than me: risking my own future would be foolish, you’ve also got your child to think of

The golf thing was unbelievable!

Of course he has. He's weighed up the cost and benefits of his argument and realised that that is financially more beneficial for him.

Seems ridiculous you have two cars when he works from home? We have 1 car and even that is barely used. I’d be very careful pooling finances and buying a property when you’re not married; make sure everything is covered withformal agreements in case you split.

Oh I’ve just seen you say you’re selling your house-please please protect the deposit you are putting into the shared house.

Strange discussion if your pooling your finances. Everything surely is a family cost.

We've always pooled our finances and we agreed an allowance for incidentals (coffee and biscuits, sweets, beer, wine etc). If you overspent your allowance you just took a bit more out the main account. Bigger personal purchases were discussed.

We need two cars as he also does nursery drop off when I wfh and we may do seperate activities.

Im 1000% protecting my deposit . So many women I know put all their hope, dreams and trust in their relationship and then end up penniliess . I don’t have any plans to marry.

Accusing you of financial abuse is a bit much.
it’s tricky with 2 cars such a huge expense. Does he really need one if he doesn’t commute? That way the car is for the family and expense is shared.

we have one car, there is a weekly diesel budget that covers commute, school run grocery shopping etc.

if one of us takes the car for a longer trip like a girls weekend I would put diesel in out of my own money.

@Optimist2020 have you discussed how things will change with life events. Will he still expect to pay x amount of his salary if you lost your job, went on maternity etc? Would he expect you to still pay your percentage from your savings?

We both own our cars outright so no monthly repayments. We need two cars as in the morning one of us may go to the gym before work and then the other gets LO ready.

On the weekend we may have different activities planned so two cars are needed. We know one couple who got rid of their second car
and It caused countless arguments.

Cars for me is a personal expense. We do bills for the household mortgage, utilities etc. but phone and car etc is our own

Well done you OP, I was coming on to say proportional payments in to the bills account, so he would only keep the same % as you of his salary. 20% of a smaller amount of salary is a much smaller amount of spends

or even worse for the lower earner, 50:50 of all expenses considered to be joint

getting to work expenses, or expenses occurred by working at home eg more heating and electric should be joint expenses however you look at it.

I’d calculate all three ways of splitting the joint costs, and show him how much he benefits from your salary and the way of all in one pot, equal amounts for spends.

@Optimist2020 so it looks like it is only coming out of family budget if it is beneficial to him?? joint finances do not look like that! everything should come out of one account and everything should be going into one account. that is both your wages and his. it is much better that way and if you love each other it should never matter who earns more money.

He shared that him contributing towards my petrol is possibly financial abuse.

Excuse me, what now?

I would consider this statement a massive DARVO red-flag.

I can't believe that he suggested petrol to work was not a family expenses, but his golf was. What a twat.

The OP is protecting her deposit, has thankfully no interest in marriage, however she is determined to look the other way at a MASSIVE red flag that he has waved.

He has exposed EXACTLY how he thinks.
He is not a good man, unfortunately I have no doubt the OP will have to find that out the hard way, to her cost.
She deserves better.