Is petrol expense a family or personal expense ?

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Me and my partner will be buying a house in the near future . We have a child together and are planning to pool our finances once we have purchased a house. Currently our finances are separate.

This evening we were talking about what are family expenses and what are personal expenses . I shared that petrol , repairs and and MOT for both of our cars should some out of the family budget.

My partner disagrees and states that as I earn more than him and I work in the office 3 x a week it should come out of my personal expense . My partner currently wfh and is in the office once a month. I shared that when he gets a new car the funds should come out of the family account but if he wants me to pay for my petrol then he can pay for his car.

He shared that him contributing towards my petrol is possibly financial abuse. I then said this is a household issue and expense as me going to the office 3 x a week is important so I can keep my job , especially as I’m the higher earner.

We both have never combined our monies together before.

AIBU- petrol & car repairs should not come out of personal allowance?

I am married and we have always shared everything - we have a joint account for all income and expenditure. We both work but have different roles at home, with one of us being the main earner and one being the main carer and housekeeper.

DH and I have kind of done both. When we had equivalent travel costs for work we paid for them out of our own accounts. Then he got a job close to home and didn't have travel expenses anymore (he cycled to work) so we changed my car expenses to come out of the joint account so the cost was split. I guess the 'travelling to work' cost was split equally both ways. We do still debate what costs come out of which account, I kind of think as the joint account as being for unavoidable costs so bills only whereas DH thinks things lke the children's activities should come out of the joint. It's all academic anyway for us, we have plenty of money and put money backwards and forwards between our accounts all the time when one person has a bigger expense than the other. I still like keeping my own account though so we have some control over individual spending. Wouldn't like to have to consult with him every time I want to buy something 'frivolous'.

However, you are unmarried and you are the larger earner so I think you should maintain separate accounts and only use a joint account for essential bills. And I can see both sides of the argument (ETA: not the accusations of financial abuse, that's over dramatic).

Your higher petrol expenditure enables you to do your job - which brings in more £.

Unless you really rack up petrol for personal use (e.g. you have a hobby that means you have to travel for hours each weekend) I see that there are 2 fair options.

1. Petrol is a shared cost.
2. You deduct the petrol cost from your take home earnings before putting the rest in the shared pot.

The ultimately petty reaction (but my first thought) would be for him to pay a higher contribution for broadband, energy bills, water (if not a meter) etc.

If he's "cleverer than you", why does he think you should have less personal spends (despite earning more); does he think you're stupid?

Does he use his brains to manipulate you into getting what he wants? I.e. telling you you're an abuser, so he gets more money (& time?) to spend on golf?

Whatever his IQ, he doesn't seem very kind, he seems out for what he can get and happy to make you feel bad to get it.

He wants you to pay for your expenses that enable you to go to work and earn money. He then wants you to put that money into the family pot. So you’re paying more out for him to gain more. Definitely not fair on you.

Same here.

I understood you, OP, and he's being outrageous. Why the fuck should you pay all your salary into the pot but a commuting expense, which makes your salary possible, is not an allowable expense from the pot?! If your hobby was driving your car around for hours honking at seagulls, I could see that you should pay for that petrol but not to get to work!
He's taking the actual piss.

Our finances are entirely separately. I earn considerably more than my partner. We both have the same disposable income and access to family savings. You shouldn't be disadvantaged.

What did he say about buying his own car from no family money?

It works for us because we both have similar attitudes to spending and treats.

Our situation is the reverse of yours. My OH pays for petrol, utilities and other bills. I pay the mortgage, childcare and others, more obviously.

I save more. If OH spent frivolously, I wouldn't share it. He has no access to my savings. There is no resentment, it works very well for us.

Because they’re both “sharing” instead of simply speaking. Therapy speak invasion.

I would be keeping my finances separate OP.
Pay for your own car and he needs to pay the majority of the utilities bills.
He sounds mean and petty, too used to living rent free in your house for too long.
You aren't married, absolutely no need to combine finances.
Be wary, he's petty.

The idea that he’d say such a thing as ‘financial abuse’ is insulting to people actually being abused in my opinion.

Even if he disagreed he could discuss reasonably with you but instead jumped to this bollocks.

He’s done a right number on you if you could entertain for a second he’s got a valid point.

OP please don't use the phrase hands on dad. Are you a hands on mum? It's sexist to phrase a man simply for parenting when it's just expected of a woman

This would out me off the whole relationship

Everyone is different of course but I personally can't imagine sharing a home and a child with someone but not sharing everything else. It also would become so complicated and petty surely? Like oh you drove us here today so I better pay you back for petrol 😂

His reference to financial abuse is wild

I just can't see this working out if that's his attitude!

Oh and having the temerity to suggest financial abuse whilst living rent free in your home is wild.
I don't think you know this piece of work at all......I reckon that's your first real peek at his mask slipping.

driving your car around for hours honking at seagulls 🤣🤣🤣

You are a gift to humanity!

I think it's pretty concerning that he is suggesting sharing petrol costs is financial abuse! That's a red flag I think.

We have a shared account for bills and individual accounts like you. However, the higher earner in my house (was me, currently DP) gets a bit more of the discretionary money. We pay somewhere between proportionally and ending with the same "play" money. I think your proposal is already a bit unfair to you, OP!

All bills (except mobiles) and all child expenses come out of the joint account. Clothes, shoes, hobbies, gym etc. come out of individual accounts.

I would say that if he wants things like that as personal and as your petrol supports you to contribute to the family pot you do the equal contributions by ratio.

So for example if you take home 5k and him 3k and family bills are 4k a month (to include holidays, child expenses etc) you contribute 2.5k and him 1.5k. You keep your left overs for personal spends.

I'm sure once he realises you have 1k more a month to fund your 1 day a week petrol expense which gives you a higher personal spends fund he'll change his mind!

I just don't think he's ready.
He thinks your commuting, that earns the money that supports the household, is a personal choice.

He isn't yet thinking like a team.
Keep finances separate a little longer, until he is.

I would be really wary of someone who thought wanting petrol money for commuting was financial abuse.

Really wary.

Anything that is a cost of either of you earning is a family expense. Ie you need to spend it to earn it. Like cost of sales in a P&L. You are not enjoying it privately, ooh look at this petrol I've just bought.

I’m the only driver in our home, I mainly use our car for me things rather than family things, so I tend to take it in turna paying, so every other tank I’ll pay for out of my allowance, rather than paying for each tank from the joint account.

Morning , what I’ve now suggested is if he doesn’t want to combine our finances. We will pay for a mortgage in proportion to our income.

So, I’ll ring fence my deposit and then we will pay different percentages towards the mortgage each month. I then said in the event of we split and I pay 65% of the monthly mortgage payment , I’ll get my deposit back and then 65% of the house sale ….:.. we either work as a team or we dont x

To pay mortgage in proportion to income you'd need to take off fuel costs from your salary before determining the amount you each pay. It's the only reasonable way if he's going to benefit from your higher salary by not paying 50/50. Travel to work is an expense to earn your higher salary. It sounds like he's got very used to not contributing to rent or a mortgage himself and can see himself being worse off when you buy together.

I think you should do this anyway.
Protect yourself OP.
He is not who you thought he is.
You are clearly a meal ticket to him and having been living rent free he is even more conscious of keeping his money.
How long was he living rent free for?
Is that how he gained a deposit?
But has the cheek to mention financial abuse?
Despite the excellent plan of protecting you deposit, %, you are still being very naive about him.
I suspect you will eventually see the real him.
Protect yourself.

We ech pay a portion of our wage into a joint account where all households bills come out inc car/petrol related. We pay equally into savings pots and use them for holidays/xmas etc.

Dh earns 7x more than me but we both get the same pin money.

So basically even though you earn more he wants you to end up with less disposable income than him

You're facilitating a lifestyle that he otherwise would not have. He's not had to pay rent since he moved in with you, which must have left him quids in. You're planning to move to a house that he could not afford without your significantly higher salary. Yet he expects you to have less personal money than he does.

The fact that he considered that golf could be a shared expense, while your petrol to get to work is not, is just insane.

I would be thinking so much less of him right now.