Is petrol expense a family or personal expense ?

[Optimist2020]

Me and my partner will be buying a house in the near future . We have a child together and are planning to pool our finances once we have purchased a house. Currently our finances are separate.

This evening we were talking about what are family expenses and what are personal expenses . I shared that petrol , repairs and and MOT for both of our cars should some out of the family budget.

My partner disagrees and states that as I earn more than him and I work in the office 3 x a week it should come out of my personal expense . My partner currently wfh and is in the office once a month. I shared that when he gets a new car the funds should come out of the family account but if he wants me to pay for my petrol then he can pay for his car.

He shared that him contributing towards my petrol is possibly financial abuse. I then said this is a household issue and expense as me going to the office 3 x a week is important so I can keep my job , especially as I’m the higher earner.

We both have never combined our monies together before.

AIBU- petrol & car repairs should not come out of personal allowance?

We take it from personal expense and I find it really cheeky you want to take it out the joint account thus lessoning your contribution.

Don't have joint finances with someone you're not married to.

Thank you for clarifying. This completely changes things.

Yes petrol is a family expense as it is necessary expense for the work commute.

He’s not paying towards your petrol as he is getting out far more than he puts in. You need to make it clear that you are subsiding him and not the other way round.

I'd feel exactly the same. They aren't pooling money they are squabbling over it so I don't think they are a committed family unit with shared goals over money.

Don't buy a house with this man. Big red flags. You are the high earner but he's arguing you should have less disposable income than him??!!! Fuck that.

Like you say without that car your wage would not be what it is. But also will the car be used for anything family? Days out, holidays, shopping, running child to clubs as they get older? If your partner need to go to the hospital will he be getting himself there or expect you to drive him with your car?

Saying you are financially abusive is telling. What's the acronym? DAVRO.

I see this more as I would two seperated parents who happen to be housesharing. So 50/50 for the kids if he's insisting on being so petty

We have petrol /fuel / car expenses from our own funds. DH uses way more fuel than I do. I mostly WFH so don't see why we'd split it.

I feel uncomfortable about this all. Him branding something like who pays petrol financial abuse would make me think twice.

Me and dh have been together for 34 years. Right from the start, we pooled our incomes into a joint account. We didnt have any spare money for personal spending 😂. Now we do, so we each take £XXX each month into our own accounts. All our car expenses, food, bills, clothing comes from the joint account. I spend my personal money on take away coffees and trainers, he spends his on guitar strings and weird stuff off Amazon. I have always earned at least twice his earnings.

It will end up getting really petty.

Sounds like it already has. If you count petrol as a personal expense, what will you do when you all travel in one car together, or when one of you is driving your DC somewhere? Surely you wouldn't calculate the mileage/cost and deduct that separately from the family account?

So let’s say person A has £2,000 pcm net income, person B has £4,000. They both pool all that income, pay all joint expenses from that pool of money. Everything child related, everything for the house. But person B then has £150 less “play money” each money because they happen to drive to work, even though person A earns half their net income. Person A gets more golf games or drinks out or trips with friends? Even though they earn less, potentially from an easier job or shorter hours? You really think that’s in any way fair? You actually think person A is subsidising B if they both get £500 play money?!

Yes I’d say the same if OP and partner sexes were reversed. They sound like equal parents who are sharing the childcare and sick days etc, so that’s not why his earnings are less.

I agree they aren’t pooling money now, but I agree with OP that is the next step.
It can be hard for some partners to trust enough to do this. The fear to pool finances can stem from childhood or prior relationships. It’s not always about level of commitment.

So basically even though you earn more he wants you to end up with less disposable income than him . Fuck that

No, I don’t think that. Everything you wrote was information I did not have. The OP and her partner could have been funding a joint account for family expenses 50/50 for all I knew at the time.

for us petrol that is used for the day to day so work, food shopping, running the kids about etc is a family expense. If we need to put extra in to do something fun ourselves than that comes out of our personal budget. Works for us.

I think it depends on if it’s primarily for personal use or family use. Dh has a work van, primarily uses it for work and personal travel (just him). I’ve never driven it. It comes out of his personal expenses (probably some fuel comes out of his business account). My car is the family car. Dh and I both drive it and it’s for driving kids around, doing family errands, days out. Car payments and fuel come out of our joint account as it’s ‘our’ car and used more for family travel than just me personally.

I don't think you two should combine finances.

I am shocked at how "this is mine" and "this is yours", it all is. Aren't you supposed to be a family. Reconsider buying a house; you don't appear compatible.

I mean, I’m not sure you are the financially abusive one here. You will be paying significantly more and he’s still expecting you to have less disposable income than him. Then he’s using emotive language to try and gaslight you into accepting his preferred outcome. This doesn’t bode well for the future. Be very careful here op. Please.

He is being outrageous.

I'm sure he uses more electricity, water and eats more food at home than you do when you're in the office.

Beside which, he's living in a home that YOU own, and you are prepared to put considerably more into the joint pot than him. The fact he expects you to come away with less "fun" money than him is simply ridiculous.

You're clearly not with him for his brains, or his financial status; so what does he bring to the table?

@Optimist2020 you are willing to share your higher salary with him and have an equal £500 or so each for personal spends and he expects to be left with more spends than you, as the lower earner. Wow! I am the lower earner in my marriage - he’s got some nerve.

But won’t gym and golf also come out of the shared budget?

He’s actually much cleverer and more than intelligent than me. He has a 1st class degree and a masters degree with distinction .

he’s a hands on dad, he gets little one ready for nursery, baths him, cooks , takes little one out etc.

To the poster who asked if golf would be a family expense , my partner mentioned this but then I said my bottomless brunches and trips away with friends should be a family expense too. He went quiet !

Of course it's a family expense.

He had an absolute cheek citing financial abuse over petrol when the only reason he can get on the property ladder is you. Honestly, child or not I'd be out of there he sounds like a selfish idiot.

Take the mortgage in your own name and charge him rent and child support if he wants to be like that.

This.

This is bizarre. Why is this even a discussion.

Is this person your partner in life- or a flat mate? Because they sound like the latter talking about dividing up this and that and arguing about it.