To feel insulted and hurt...

[isitme852]

going anon for this...

Whenever myself and DP have a disagreement he cannot apologise for things he has said; he declares "by apologising you are saying my feelings aren't valid and its always about how you feel"

Two examples.. But I have more...

Yesterday morning he briefly mentioned about giving his DS (17) (not my son) a key to the house we live in. It is my house; my mortgage - DP has lived here with his son for 5ish years. I had said I didn't know how I felt about it and could we maybe talk about it later. My DD was eating breakfast and DP was walking out of the door for work. I wanted to talk about it later as his DS has not had the best track record of behaviour and also is a little immature. It was my intention to suggest "yes he can have a key - but there needs to be ground rules about who comes back here and when" etc etc. This turned into a bit of a discussion - culminating in DP saying "I don't feel like this is DS home"
For context; his ex kicked DS out at 12; DP picked him up and asked if he could stay here that night and he has never left. I have moved everyone's rooms around to accommodate his DS; gave up my children's playroom and my office so he could have his own room. I have clothed and fed him when DP couldn't work or hasn't had money. I have taken him on multiple holidays including abroad.. he never even had a passport before he moved in with us. I never leave him out; if I buy for my two I buy for him... whether it be sweets or a day out.
His DS has behaviour problems; he has smashed up his room; hit me; destroyed things in my house; he doesn't like to be told what to do - such as coming in at a set time; tidyig his room etc. And yet I am still here.. supporting him.
For him to say "I don't feel like this is his home" has really hurt me. I have done more for him than his own family and grandparents.
He has said all day today that he doesn't feel he is wrong for saying it; despite it being hurtful; because that's how he feels and he is entitled to an opinion and feelings.

Three weeks ago; DP raised that he feels I am not intimate enough with him. Again turned into an argument. I tried to explain - I have endometriosis; which is so severe even the University Hospital surgeons won't do a Hysterectomy - I am waiting for a review from a surgeon 3 hours from where I live. The endo leaves me in horrendous pain most of the month; which worsens after being intimate (he knows all of this and has been to the appointments). Of course I am hesitant... it hurts!! When I explained this.. he said "hugging you is like hugging a corpse.. I get nothing back"
I was devastated at this... I am trying my best. I work full time; we have 3 children between us that I do 100% of caring for.. my two DC are both Autistic so they require a lot of attention.. my DD10 doesn't sleep well so I am up most nights. I literally sobbed; tried to explain why I was so hurt. I told him I was embarrassed that I can't be intimate more but it hurts and makes me uncomfortable. He dismissed it with "it's how I feel.. by saying I shouldn't say things like that you are saying I shouldn't say how I feel"

AIBU to say that if your feelings are going to insult or hurt someone you should maybe think twice about saying them... or am I being dismissive of him

YABU - he can say what he wants - regardless of the impact
YANBU - he can not say what he wants and should be more considerate.

Whoa! The son hit you?
I missed that.

This situation has to end.
I suggest that you contact your local Women’sAid for guidance & support to get them out.

And is it okay for the DS to express his feelings by assaulting the OP?

Did you even bother to read the whole thread?

OP wants them OUT! She does not want to "work on the relationship" with the cocklodger and his thug DS.

The only part I feel the OP has failed upon is not just kicking them out without fanfare and being a doormat. She is showing her DDs how a man can treat you like shit and a woman should just take it because "the man wants", "the men needs", "the woman should".

@isitme852 Express your "feelings" to your NVDP and tell him to take his DS and go for a long walk off a short pier and get the hell out of YOUR house. Have someone with you and have them leave right then and there. You have given him plenty of notice. He just ignores you unless he wants to be verbally/emotionally/financially abusive. Then he wants you to just take it on the chin, including letting his DS assault you. PLEASE stop letting them make you their emotional punching bag!

Some posters have posted such misogynistic shit that I feel like vomiting. No wonder women get abused, assaulted and murdered so often by men.
smdh

This is gaslighting as it’s worst. He is emotionally manipulating you and you need to draw a line in th sand and walk away from this relations

Yanbu!

I’d be telling him he is not entitled to feelings or free housing, food or any fucking thing else. GTFO.

OP, if this was happening to your own child, what advice would you give?

"Oh darling, I know he says horrid things to you, I know his son treat you like shit and smashes your things and doesn't respect your rules, but you need to just keep flogging that dead horse no matter what, ok sweety?"

Op, love - you are worthy of a better life. You are worthy of being truly loved and treasured. You are worthy of freedom from this, of respect, of kindness.

You have spoken to him about this. HE HASN'T CHANGED, because he knows he doesn't have to.

Imagine the life without him and his son (whom, by the way, you do NOT owe anything to - he is guilt tripping you into this, and as a kind person you are allowing him to), imagine the peace and calm and happiness you would have without them in you and your child's life. And you know, it's OKAY TO WANT THAT. It does NOT make you a bad person for wanting that.

You are worth more than this.

Not when he clearly uses it to bully and manipulate you/the situation.

I'd be seriously considering telling him enough is enough and giving him a date to be out by.
Can't see where he adds value or joy to your life.

He gets free accommodation, his DS gets looked after and paid for, and many other benefits.

In return you are manipulated and insulted.

You behave 2 DC and work FT and have his son and him to look after too.

GET RID OF HIM

Yes his tactic is working - ignore YOUR feelings and carry on. I hope you have family that can support you. He will continue to ignore you. It’s worked for him in the past - he’s abused you emotionally - change the locks - none of the buggers can get in then!!

You are in the very fortunate position that he has no claim to your home. Capitalise on that good fortune by telling him (not asking) to leave. On the moving out date, box up his shit and tell him to shift it or you will dispose of it. By accommodating this twat, you’ve enabled him.

Ending a relationship isn't a joint decision. You don't need him to agree to it or like it. You need to give him clear instructions to leave and then involve the police if he doesn't.

You sound extremely passive in this situation, involving your happiness, your house and your children. What kind of message is your daughter receiving about relationships and male violence? That's going to affect her forever unless you step up and model what good boundaries look like.

Oh dear. Life is too short - go be happy this is not making you happy.

OP please end this abusive relationship. I'm gobsmacked you've let it carry on this long. Thank god you aren't married to the scumbag.

He'll try every trick in the book to make you back down. But you don't have to justify your decision to him. All that twaddle about his feelings - OMG what a self-centred arsehole!

Tell him they need to be gone this weekend or you call the police. And mean it, call them.

Tell him you want him out and give him a date. Follow this up with text and email saying the same thing. If he then acts like nothing is different go along with that for an easier life but in your head know you are serious. When the date comes you change the locks and when he tries to get in you refuse- call the police if you are scared. Have his stuff boxed up and outside so you don't have to answer the door. And consider arranging sleepovers for your own kids that day so they are not there for any drama.

The thing that gave me the strength to end an abusive relationship was thinking of my children. My own father wasn't abusive but he treat my mum like the maid and I witnessed no affection between them. I never learnt what a healthy relationship looked like and so ended up accepting abuse and not seeing it was abuse until I'd tied myself to him with a child. The thought I was set my own daughter up to be treated as I was and her think this is acceptable because I accepted it was a huge part of the strength I needed to end it. So think of your children if you can't do this for yourself then ask yourself why they are ranked under abusive men in your house

This.
When you talk to him, change the words you use. Don't say "I want to break up"
Say " I am breaking up with you. You have 28 days to get out".

So he treats you like a skivvy, can say whatever he likes regardless of your feelings and allows his son to verbally and physically abuse you and you haven't thrown him to the kerb yet?

Go read the thread about the GFs "dramatic response" to OPs son's behaviour. And then take some inspiration from the GF because she wouldn't put up with half of what you are.

Kick him and his son out. Let him pay for everything and deal with his sons behaviour. Stop taking the brunt of it and exposing your children to that behaviour.

Ask him to leave. If he won’t then call the Police. He is 100% using you and you are letting him (sorry).
You don’t want your dc thinking that you can be treated this way and that it’s ok. DS is not your child and if your relationship was great then I think you would put up with it, but please don’t.

OP, this is a bonkers situation
What’s in the relationship for you?
Do you even like him?
He sounds awful.
A firm “this isn’t working for me and DCs anymore, I’d like you both to leave by X” would be a start.

Have you got family or friends who can be with you as you ask him to pack and leave immediately?

Oh op sorry he's such an arsehole.

If it's solely your house I would change the locks, and tell him a time where they can take their shit and go. Have family or police presence as this happens.

A 17 year old not having a key to the house he lives in isn’t right imo. I’d have given him a key long ago. It probably doesn’t feel very much like home if he can’t come and go independently.

The far bigger issue is your partner bullying you about intimacy- absolutely awful and unforgivable behaviour on his part, don’t put up with that. I really hope you find a solution to your endometriosis soon and when you do you go on and enjoy your life without this utter cunt. You’d be much happier without him I’m sure.

No, the sons behaviour isn't okay, but that wasn't the OPs question. As I said both she and her partner should be able to express how they feel. It's nothing to do with which of the couple are male or female.

You can use the fact that 'his feelings' are valid, but yours are too, and ultimately they do not align, so there really isnt any future for the relationship.

This turns it back to him using his own argument. And ultimately you dont need permission or for him to agree to end the relationship - I know it takes two to decide to start one, but it only needs one person to end it.

Plus it is your home. If you no longer want to be in a relationship with him, then he doesn not have any right to live there with you.

And they are both expressing their thoughts and feelings. He is expressing his thoughts that his son should be allowed to rule the roost, depending on his moods, and that he should be able to have sex whenever he likes and the OP should just shut up about how much it hurts. And the OP has expressed that she does not want to be in the relationship anymore.

And just like he has done, you have completely ignored the feelings that she has expressed and have gone straight to how to improve the situation for him, by encouraging the OP to ignore her own feelings and work on a relationship she doesn’t want to be in.

This isn’t a male versus female thing, you’re right. It’s about a bully versus someone who doesn’t have the confidence to kick his arse out of her home and her life.