To feel insulted and hurt...

[isitme852]

going anon for this...

Whenever myself and DP have a disagreement he cannot apologise for things he has said; he declares "by apologising you are saying my feelings aren't valid and its always about how you feel"

Two examples.. But I have more...

Yesterday morning he briefly mentioned about giving his DS (17) (not my son) a key to the house we live in. It is my house; my mortgage - DP has lived here with his son for 5ish years. I had said I didn't know how I felt about it and could we maybe talk about it later. My DD was eating breakfast and DP was walking out of the door for work. I wanted to talk about it later as his DS has not had the best track record of behaviour and also is a little immature. It was my intention to suggest "yes he can have a key - but there needs to be ground rules about who comes back here and when" etc etc. This turned into a bit of a discussion - culminating in DP saying "I don't feel like this is DS home"
For context; his ex kicked DS out at 12; DP picked him up and asked if he could stay here that night and he has never left. I have moved everyone's rooms around to accommodate his DS; gave up my children's playroom and my office so he could have his own room. I have clothed and fed him when DP couldn't work or hasn't had money. I have taken him on multiple holidays including abroad.. he never even had a passport before he moved in with us. I never leave him out; if I buy for my two I buy for him... whether it be sweets or a day out.
His DS has behaviour problems; he has smashed up his room; hit me; destroyed things in my house; he doesn't like to be told what to do - such as coming in at a set time; tidyig his room etc. And yet I am still here.. supporting him.
For him to say "I don't feel like this is his home" has really hurt me. I have done more for him than his own family and grandparents.
He has said all day today that he doesn't feel he is wrong for saying it; despite it being hurtful; because that's how he feels and he is entitled to an opinion and feelings.

Three weeks ago; DP raised that he feels I am not intimate enough with him. Again turned into an argument. I tried to explain - I have endometriosis; which is so severe even the University Hospital surgeons won't do a Hysterectomy - I am waiting for a review from a surgeon 3 hours from where I live. The endo leaves me in horrendous pain most of the month; which worsens after being intimate (he knows all of this and has been to the appointments). Of course I am hesitant... it hurts!! When I explained this.. he said "hugging you is like hugging a corpse.. I get nothing back"
I was devastated at this... I am trying my best. I work full time; we have 3 children between us that I do 100% of caring for.. my two DC are both Autistic so they require a lot of attention.. my DD10 doesn't sleep well so I am up most nights. I literally sobbed; tried to explain why I was so hurt. I told him I was embarrassed that I can't be intimate more but it hurts and makes me uncomfortable. He dismissed it with "it's how I feel.. by saying I shouldn't say things like that you are saying I shouldn't say how I feel"

AIBU to say that if your feelings are going to insult or hurt someone you should maybe think twice about saying them... or am I being dismissive of him

YABU - he can say what he wants - regardless of the impact
YANBU - he can not say what he wants and should be more considerate.

Did you even read the rest of it?

I have a 17yo SS and yes he has a key to the house, but if he behaved like OPs SS I wouldn't let him have one.

Get the pair of them out OP. They are treating you like a mug.

The police may help you get him out. Feeling like you do in yuri own home is disgusting.. They both sound horrific.

Oh fucking hell, of course you are in the minority and that is because you are wrong!!!

In what world is it ok to treat your partner like this bastard is treating the OP? And his son has hit her, and trashed his room in her house?!!! He's insistent on shagging her even though he knows it causes her immense pain!!!

What a stupid, stupid post!!

I think you should go and find something else to do because your comments on here are so left of field and basically contributing nothing. This situation is well past anyone expressing how they feel, particularly the OP who isn't being heard at all when she tries!!

Where does it say he preassures her for sex? He said its like cuddling a dead corpse, that isn't sex, its just wanting some affection and if a woman was asking for more affection no one would think there was anything wrong with that.

There's nothing to say that he thinks his son should rule the roost either. OP would be well withing her rights to respond saying that she doesn't want DS living there due to his behaviour.

As for asking him to leave, very odd that came out in the comments, it doesn't tie up with the original post which said she was trying her best and was hurt by his comments.

If she wants him to leave instead of trying her best for him and getting upset she should just respond to his comments saying there's no affection because as I've said I don't want to be with you and no it won't feel like his home because I have told you to leave. No apologies needed from her for sharing those views either and enforcing what she wants.

The OP saying she was trying her best indicates she wants the relationship to work, hence my advice that for it to work they both need to be able to share their feelings and discuss their needs without having to apologise.

What part of this is causing you issues of comprehension??? It's pretty damn clear to me!!

"Three weeks ago; DP raised that he feels I am not intimate enough with him. Again turned into an argument. I tried to explain - I have endometriosis; which is so severe even the University Hospital surgeons won't do a Hysterectomy - I am waiting for a review from a surgeon 3 hours from where I live. The endo leaves me in horrendous pain most of the month; which worsens after being intimate (he knows all of this and has been to the appointments). Of course I am hesitant... it hurts!! When I explained this.. he said "hugging you is like hugging a corpse.. I get nothing back"

He is trying to pressurise and coerce her into sex when it causes her agony!!!!

U sound resentful of his son and like you expect a child to be grateful for being given a home and the basics at the expense of you and your children you both sound like teenagers poor stepson prob doesn't know weather he coming or going when his very existence and presence is from what you say detested by you little wonder he has behaviour issues given how you are behaving being an adult doesn't make you right

I'd resent someone who hit me and smashed up my home. Wouldn't you?

He's 17 and old enough to know much, much better.

ETA Anyway, the main problem is with his father.

Tell your DP and his son to get out. His son is lucky that you haven't called the police and had him charged with assault and criminal damage. You would be hugely better off without either of them.

He means to hurt you OP.

Both physically and emotionally.

Change the locks. It's your house. Pack their belongings and leave them outside.

Call the police if necessary.

You and your daughter deserve better than this.

It does not have to carry on like this, you have the power to change it.

Turf them both out, that is no way to live. He has zero respect for you and nor does his son. You can do way better.

So when his son hit you, what did he do to support you?

pack their bags and get rid.

I don't understand why a 17 year old would not have a key to the home he is living in (although I note you mentioned a smart lock).

But the whole argument about the key is academic because Thuggy McThugface and his equally unattractive male parental unit should not be living with you and your children.

I'd phone Woman's Aid and get advice from them - they may tell you to involve the police in removing them from your home. You have been subject to domestic violence from one and psychological abuse and a refusal to leave from the other.

I'd say I am listening and your feelings are very valid, you're right its not yours or yours sons home, so please leave. Say I've got valid feelings too and I don't want you here.

We're all entitled to feelings and opinions, just not at the expense of other people's feelings.
As for the son, violence and destruction are not something your children should be around.
The intimacy issue is once again proving his lack of respect for you as a partner.
Opinions and feelings are not a free ticket to abuse other people. You deserve better. 💐

What a jumbled up post, so hard to read.

It's bullshit into the bargain. Why are you speaking up for an inconsiderate thug who has physically attacked the OP and trashed a room in her house (and that's the bits she's told us!) What's actually wrong with you!?

OP you do not Branch the subject with him - you just tell him what is going to happen - the relationship is over.

I am hoffiried how badly those man treats you after all you have done for his DS when this has inconvenienced you, your children and cost you a lot of money even when he was unemployed. Where was his DS mum to contribute?

Tell him to move out. Take the time to appreciate who you are and what YOU deserve. You sound like a lovely person and honestly deserve someone who treats you like a queen. Not this selfish cocklodger who take all you do for granted.

@JLou08
Where does it say he preassures her for sex? He said its like cuddling a dead corpse, that isn't sex, its just wanting some affection and if a woman was asking for more affection no one would think there was anything wrong with that @Runnerinthenight has very kindly taken the time to explain this to you and I don’t think I need to add anything, other than to say the OP’s endometriosis isn’t being set off by cuddling now, is it? And for someone who was so keen to ensure that we all understood that it was nothing to do with who was male and who was female, your last sentence above is very revealing, don’t you think?

There's nothing to say that he thinks his son should rule the roost either. OP would be well withing her rights to respond saying that she doesn't want DS living there due to his behaviour Yeah there is. It’s all in the initial post, you just need to read it.

As for asking him to leave, very odd that came out in the comments, it doesn't tie up with the original post which said she was trying her best and was hurt by his comments Have a look at the OP’s second post, at 15:16hrs. She was asked whether she’d ever considered ending the relationship and replied ‘I have, many times’. Now I’ll apologise if the OP comes back and tells me I’m jumping to massive and incorrect conclusions, but that post suggests to me that this relationship is not making her particularly happy and is not one that she really wants to remain in. Wouldn’t you agree?

If she wants him to leave instead of trying her best for him and getting upset she should just respond to his comments saying there's no affection because as I've said I don't want to be with you and no it won't feel like his home because I have told you to leave. No apologies needed from her for sharing those views either and enforcing what she wants. Errr, yes. 99.9% of us have said exactly this. What’s your point?

The OP saying she was trying her best indicates she wants the relationship to work, hence my advice that for it to work they both need to be able to share their feelings and discuss their needs without having to apologise Again, the OP’s second post confirms otherwise. If you look in the bottom right hand corner of the OP’s post, it says ‘see all’. You can see all the OP’s updates without trawling through the thread.

It carries on because you're letting it carry on.

You have to take ACTION. You have to give him 2 weeks notice, and then call teh police if he doesn't leave.

When did the son hit you and wreck things in the house? If recently, then probably time to send them both packing. But if it was in the past and dealt with then I must say I feel sorry for him. Thrown out by his mum at 12 and living with his dad in your house but no key. That's not right.
It's kind that you gave him a room and lost your home office but what else would you do for your partner's son if he was coming to live with you? It's seems you did the right thing.
I can understand your partner's feelings as well as yours. Especially his reference to hugging you. Harsh as it sounds, he wasn't referring to sex in that comment.

@Anele22

Anele, have a think about your own relationship for a moment. If you didn’t really want to be with someone and they had been pressuring you into having sex, knowing that it caused you pain but simply not caring, exactly how much enthusiasm and love would you put into cuddling them? Can you really not imagine a scenario where she might not want to cuddle, or be cuddled by him?

He sounds like a prick and you don’t need him. You’re self sufficient without him!

I took think you are being taken advantage of.
I think show this piece of work - and his son - the door.
You are too nice

This, or I was thinking, change the locks while they're out 😅