To feel insulted and hurt...

[isitme852]

going anon for this...

Whenever myself and DP have a disagreement he cannot apologise for things he has said; he declares "by apologising you are saying my feelings aren't valid and its always about how you feel"

Two examples.. But I have more...

Yesterday morning he briefly mentioned about giving his DS (17) (not my son) a key to the house we live in. It is my house; my mortgage - DP has lived here with his son for 5ish years. I had said I didn't know how I felt about it and could we maybe talk about it later. My DD was eating breakfast and DP was walking out of the door for work. I wanted to talk about it later as his DS has not had the best track record of behaviour and also is a little immature. It was my intention to suggest "yes he can have a key - but there needs to be ground rules about who comes back here and when" etc etc. This turned into a bit of a discussion - culminating in DP saying "I don't feel like this is DS home"
For context; his ex kicked DS out at 12; DP picked him up and asked if he could stay here that night and he has never left. I have moved everyone's rooms around to accommodate his DS; gave up my children's playroom and my office so he could have his own room. I have clothed and fed him when DP couldn't work or hasn't had money. I have taken him on multiple holidays including abroad.. he never even had a passport before he moved in with us. I never leave him out; if I buy for my two I buy for him... whether it be sweets or a day out.
His DS has behaviour problems; he has smashed up his room; hit me; destroyed things in my house; he doesn't like to be told what to do - such as coming in at a set time; tidyig his room etc. And yet I am still here.. supporting him.
For him to say "I don't feel like this is his home" has really hurt me. I have done more for him than his own family and grandparents.
He has said all day today that he doesn't feel he is wrong for saying it; despite it being hurtful; because that's how he feels and he is entitled to an opinion and feelings.

Three weeks ago; DP raised that he feels I am not intimate enough with him. Again turned into an argument. I tried to explain - I have endometriosis; which is so severe even the University Hospital surgeons won't do a Hysterectomy - I am waiting for a review from a surgeon 3 hours from where I live. The endo leaves me in horrendous pain most of the month; which worsens after being intimate (he knows all of this and has been to the appointments). Of course I am hesitant... it hurts!! When I explained this.. he said "hugging you is like hugging a corpse.. I get nothing back"
I was devastated at this... I am trying my best. I work full time; we have 3 children between us that I do 100% of caring for.. my two DC are both Autistic so they require a lot of attention.. my DD10 doesn't sleep well so I am up most nights. I literally sobbed; tried to explain why I was so hurt. I told him I was embarrassed that I can't be intimate more but it hurts and makes me uncomfortable. He dismissed it with "it's how I feel.. by saying I shouldn't say things like that you are saying I shouldn't say how I feel"

AIBU to say that if your feelings are going to insult or hurt someone you should maybe think twice about saying them... or am I being dismissive of him

YABU - he can say what he wants - regardless of the impact
YANBU - he can not say what he wants and should be more considerate.

@Whothefuckdoesthat - what you said. Every word of it.

Honestly, wording like "I don't want this relationship any more," just gives him an option to say well, I do.

Your dp is awful. Throw him out. And his son. What a jackass.

All I could think resding each sentence was - more fool you. You do know that this is all optional, don't you? You could throw the whole man away and be rid of most of your problems. I will just never, ever, understand why women put up with men like this.

We need to talk.

It's over. You have a week to make alternative arrangements.

I won't change my mind

Yes, i am happy to tell you why (again) but I am not particularly interested in your response. It's a lot of things but in particular X, Y and Z

No I am not interested in getting into a conversation or discussion about it. I've tried that many times and been shut down. That opportunity has passed.

Yes yes you have feelings too. We all do. It's called being alive.

Yes a week. No not a month. A week.

I am your ex, you are my ex. It doesn't have to be any uglier than that.

Good luck
Good bye.

The End

I think YABU for spending even one more day with this arsehole OP. If he's in your house, don't tell him that you're not happy and want to split and then allow him to ignore you. Tell him you want him out by X date and if he refuses to leave (and take his son with him) you can call the police and have them removed. You don't have to live like this, you just have to be assertive enough to get him out. To be honest, I'd have kicked them both out the first time his son hit you. You have been putting up with too much shit for too long!

Tell him him that he & his son need to move out, be kind though& give him until the end of the month
😉

yell him if there's not gone by xx you will be calling the police, do it if necessary. It's YOUR home, he has no rights there. You can call the police & tell them there's a man '& his teenage son refusing to leave your home!

If your DP wants his son to live in a house, have a key for it and for it truly to feel like his home then your DP needs to provide this home not sponge off you.

I think you should involve the police.

Stop subjecting yourself and dc to this horrible man and his horrible ds.

@Valeriekat there was already over 180 messages when I read her original post. I admit I wasn't able to read ever one and detail. I was just answering the original message. I also recognized I was likely missing a lot information, hence me saying "take with a grain of salt". I am not AI, I just suffer from really bad Dyslexia. It makes it difficult for me to always hit the right letters on the keyboards of smart phones and my brain doesn't always catch the auto corrections. It has a negative effect on my grammar as well. 😅 so I don't blame anyone at all if anyone finds my ramblings unreadable, but I do assure you I am not fake. This was also my very first time reading and trying to comment on mumsnet, so it was extra chaotic trying to figure things out... you don't have to agree. I was just remaining hopefully. If her original post mentioned all the worst things, then I still feel my comments have merit. Obviously if there are a lot of other questionable things happening, those would need to be considered. I wasn't able to read if there was. I am a mother of 2 and just was looking at this in some of my (small) spare time.

Get rid of the pair of them

OP don't be so flimsy.

Get him OUT, the relationship is over. Tell him an exact date and start packing up his stuff.

@On1y whoops sorry, don't know how I managed to quote you

Turn it back on him. Ask if you aren't entitled to the same? And discussing things isn't devaluing his opinions its exactly placing equal value on both of you so you both can be heard.

@isitme852 please get him out. Hugging a corpse - how dare he, never mind everything else. Of course he doesn’t want to end it, but you need to take steps to remove him. Even if it is changing the locks when he is out.

You need to call the police… this kid is over the age of adult responsibility. You have given them more than 30 days notice. You are being ignored. Let them know that if they are not entirely out of your home by Monday you are charging the son with assault and both of them with trespass.

@isitme852 he's a shameless cocklodger. he is never going to leave unless you force him out. and what is to stop 17 year old from hurting your younger child?

I suggest calling the police first and lodge a complaint and ask for their assistance in turfing them out. he/his son might attack you if you give them advance notice. I suggest you wait till they are both out, change the lock access/lock, call the police - tell them you have been physically assaulted and you want them both out. pack their stuff and give it to them. they can spring for a hotel for a few nights with all the money your dp saved by living with you. if they get aggressive, file for a restraining order

I'd be kicking the DS out! He sounds like a thug. I lived alone at 16, as did plenty of people. Teaches you to grow up VERY bloody fast!

Then feel free to reply that "Yes, you have the right to say how you feel, as do I. I feel you don't bring enough to the table for me to feel comfortable with your comments. It's best for everyone if you and your DS moves out."

It sounds like he really doesn't bring much to the relationship, if there are times he doesn't work or doesn't have money. His DS is destructive, rude and a behavioral problem. You have given up a LOT for a DP and his DS, who was supposed to stay one/two nights. You deserve better than what he is giving you and treating you. Your children deserve better.

If he and his DS left, would your mood, feelings and life improve? Would your children be better off? Only you can answer that question. I hope your health improves but take care of you and your children. Put the three of you first for once.

It doesn't sound like you have clearly told him that he needs to leave as well as his son? Its got nothing to do with his feelings- only one person needs to decide to end a relationship. Tell him the relationship is over and they both need to move out of your house.

If you do not want him in the house, then you need to have him removed. Pack his and his DS's things up and leave them outside. Change the code for how to get into the house. Have a friend or relative be with you/stay with you for a few days, Tell your NVDP that he is now an EX-DP and he is not to contact you at all. If there are other items, too big to pack, that your NVDP needs to pick up, arrange to have someone with you and not leave either NVDP or his DS alone in any part of the house.

If you need to, involve the police. What he is doing now is abusive. It's your house, not his and hopefully, you have paid the mortgage on it and not given him any rights to it.

AS I said earlier, you and your children deserve better. MUCH better.

Correct! He and his thug DS are getting basically free room and board, while treating the homeowner like crap and assaulting her.

I don't understand why some women keep on being doormats, especially when there are no legal ties in the relationship.

Sounds to me like you are coming to the end of your tether with this situation.

The son is inconsiderate - not an unusual phase for a 17yo - & there is a chance this will pass as he moves towards an independent adulthood with responsibilities.

However… his father is giving me the ick. He sounds childish, petulant & manipulative across the board.

You are not morally or legally compelled to support or live with this man or his son. The choice is yours.