To feel insulted and hurt...

[isitme852]

going anon for this...

Whenever myself and DP have a disagreement he cannot apologise for things he has said; he declares "by apologising you are saying my feelings aren't valid and its always about how you feel"

Two examples.. But I have more...

Yesterday morning he briefly mentioned about giving his DS (17) (not my son) a key to the house we live in. It is my house; my mortgage - DP has lived here with his son for 5ish years. I had said I didn't know how I felt about it and could we maybe talk about it later. My DD was eating breakfast and DP was walking out of the door for work. I wanted to talk about it later as his DS has not had the best track record of behaviour and also is a little immature. It was my intention to suggest "yes he can have a key - but there needs to be ground rules about who comes back here and when" etc etc. This turned into a bit of a discussion - culminating in DP saying "I don't feel like this is DS home"
For context; his ex kicked DS out at 12; DP picked him up and asked if he could stay here that night and he has never left. I have moved everyone's rooms around to accommodate his DS; gave up my children's playroom and my office so he could have his own room. I have clothed and fed him when DP couldn't work or hasn't had money. I have taken him on multiple holidays including abroad.. he never even had a passport before he moved in with us. I never leave him out; if I buy for my two I buy for him... whether it be sweets or a day out.
His DS has behaviour problems; he has smashed up his room; hit me; destroyed things in my house; he doesn't like to be told what to do - such as coming in at a set time; tidyig his room etc. And yet I am still here.. supporting him.
For him to say "I don't feel like this is his home" has really hurt me. I have done more for him than his own family and grandparents.
He has said all day today that he doesn't feel he is wrong for saying it; despite it being hurtful; because that's how he feels and he is entitled to an opinion and feelings.

Three weeks ago; DP raised that he feels I am not intimate enough with him. Again turned into an argument. I tried to explain - I have endometriosis; which is so severe even the University Hospital surgeons won't do a Hysterectomy - I am waiting for a review from a surgeon 3 hours from where I live. The endo leaves me in horrendous pain most of the month; which worsens after being intimate (he knows all of this and has been to the appointments). Of course I am hesitant... it hurts!! When I explained this.. he said "hugging you is like hugging a corpse.. I get nothing back"
I was devastated at this... I am trying my best. I work full time; we have 3 children between us that I do 100% of caring for.. my two DC are both Autistic so they require a lot of attention.. my DD10 doesn't sleep well so I am up most nights. I literally sobbed; tried to explain why I was so hurt. I told him I was embarrassed that I can't be intimate more but it hurts and makes me uncomfortable. He dismissed it with "it's how I feel.. by saying I shouldn't say things like that you are saying I shouldn't say how I feel"

AIBU to say that if your feelings are going to insult or hurt someone you should maybe think twice about saying them... or am I being dismissive of him

YABU - he can say what he wants - regardless of the impact
YANBU - he can not say what he wants and should be more considerate.

Also have this opinion, does that mean since 12 he's always had to have someone let him in, or never been allowed in the house on his own? However with the rest of it?. Urg appalled behaviour!

“And I am also entitled to my feelings and opinions. I do not love you anymore and I am scared of your destructive and intimidating son. I do not want to live with you anymore and you are no longer welcome in this house. Get your stuff and your son’s stuff and leave.’

My wife would have kicked me into touch ages ago with this kind of nonsense.
He's entitled to his feelings and if he doesn't feel sorry when he hurts you and doesn't think your opinion is equal whilst he lives under your roof then I'd say that you're equally entitled to kick him out because you also have feelings.

Perhaps he is bringing something else to the table you haven't mentioned. More likely you are allowing some sunken cost fallacy or fear keeping you in a deeply unhappy relationship.

Tell him to sort it out or leave. I believe people deserve the chance to know before being kicked out, perhaps he'll realise how lucky he has it, maybe he won't.

You lost me at not giving a 17 year old a key to his home....

Bin them both. He's not even your son and he's smashing up the house and hitting you.

Bin him off.

Better to be alone than subjected to this nonsense.

Ok ive read further

Hes a dick. Throw partner out. (I still think youve been his parent for 5 years since he was 12. He is troubled but you dont wash your hands of a child )

You don’t need to broach the subject. You don’t need his permission. You just need to end the relationship.
Hell would freeze over before I gave a key to MY home to a teenager who smashes up the house and hits me. In fact hell would freeze over before I let that teenager through the door again.
Put your daughter’s welfare first and let this man parent his violent son somewhere else.

Bin the pair of them off. It doesn't sound as though they bring anything to your life apart from pain and misery. And your poor children watching you being treated like shit in their home.

You deserve better than this. Pack their bags and tell them to leave.

So you are supposed to
endure painful sex so his feelings aren't hurt.
give his son free rein to trash your house
Never argue with him because he feels unvalued

What is he doing in return for this?

You don't need his permission to end the relationship.

Seriously OP, get this loser out of your house. Show your daughter how important it is to be valued and treated with respect in a relationship and that she should never settle for someone who treats her like shit.

How about replying, "No, because I am entitled to my feelings."

is he paying you rent? Does his son have a job?

It sounds really horrible - I can't imagine having a teen in my house who smashes things or hits me. I agree, give them notice, in writing.

This is the time to do it, as if you wait until the boy is 18 they are far less likely to be housed by the council

His DS has behaviour problems; he has smashed up his room; hit me; destroyed things in my house; he doesn't like to be told what to do - such as coming in at a set time; tidyig his room etc. And yet I am still here.. supporting him.

Kick him and his son out. They deserve nothing.

Please do consider what the previous posters have suggested. Kick him out and change the locks. He is nasty. He is entitled to feelings of course but this is a stick phrase to shut you up. He doesn’t respect you or value anything you have given him. This will not change.

put your energy into yourself and your children - you will all be happier.

I've only read your OP but fuck me. I cant believe you need to ask but he's a fucking arsehole and you need to kick him and his abusive son out. No if/buts/maybe...kick them out.

It is your house and you pay the mortgage?
Why are you giving this nasty man and his son a free home?
Get rid of both of them.
Your poor DD must be miserable and feeling very much ignored.

He’s a manipulative waste of space. Put yourself first and fuck him off.

So your partner is an arsehole who gets the sulks and makes shitty comments because you can't be intimate with him, when you suffer with debilitating endometriosis.
The stepson is violent and trashes his room.
You are providing 100% care for all the children in the house.
This is a no brainer OP. Get rid of the partner and he can take his ungrateful violent son with him. Your life will improve 100 %.
Nobody should put up with this. The question of the key pales into insignificance once the wider story unfolds.

He has never had a key. I WFH most days. I’m always here when they came in from school.
he’s just left school. He’s out and about more now hence we needed to sort it.

he’s got a job as a labourer over the holidays. And on his first day I asked his dad how he would get in the house.. his dad hadn’t thought of it. I spent £300 on a smart lock. So he could use his phone instead of a key (he won’t lose his phone!!)… I just wanted to have a conversation about not bringing all his mates round when we are not in and some basic ground rules before I paired his phone to the lock.

He’s been left home alone. But always with a key in the door should he need it.

Of course he's entitled to his feelings and opinions, providing he has them elsewhere. Get rid OP.

The lack of apology isn't really the issue. The issue is that he's such a cunt in the first place.

What he said about you in relation to your endometriosis wouldn't have become OK if he'd said sorry afterwards. He's fucking vile.

In the example you gave about his son, I was fully prepared to say YABU until you explained the back story.

Honestly, I'd be inclined to kick the pair of them out of your house forever.

(Really sorry to hear about your endo, by the way - my sister has it and I've seen how much it affects her.)

I'm so glad it's your house. Time to get rid of both of them. Enough abuse.

Er - your house, your mortgage so it is not really partner's son's home. It is up to boy's parents or relations to provide the home for him. Neither of them seem to appreciate the advantages you have allowed them. Would they like to move out?