To feel insulted and hurt...

[isitme852]

going anon for this...

Whenever myself and DP have a disagreement he cannot apologise for things he has said; he declares "by apologising you are saying my feelings aren't valid and its always about how you feel"

Two examples.. But I have more...

Yesterday morning he briefly mentioned about giving his DS (17) (not my son) a key to the house we live in. It is my house; my mortgage - DP has lived here with his son for 5ish years. I had said I didn't know how I felt about it and could we maybe talk about it later. My DD was eating breakfast and DP was walking out of the door for work. I wanted to talk about it later as his DS has not had the best track record of behaviour and also is a little immature. It was my intention to suggest "yes he can have a key - but there needs to be ground rules about who comes back here and when" etc etc. This turned into a bit of a discussion - culminating in DP saying "I don't feel like this is DS home"
For context; his ex kicked DS out at 12; DP picked him up and asked if he could stay here that night and he has never left. I have moved everyone's rooms around to accommodate his DS; gave up my children's playroom and my office so he could have his own room. I have clothed and fed him when DP couldn't work or hasn't had money. I have taken him on multiple holidays including abroad.. he never even had a passport before he moved in with us. I never leave him out; if I buy for my two I buy for him... whether it be sweets or a day out.
His DS has behaviour problems; he has smashed up his room; hit me; destroyed things in my house; he doesn't like to be told what to do - such as coming in at a set time; tidyig his room etc. And yet I am still here.. supporting him.
For him to say "I don't feel like this is his home" has really hurt me. I have done more for him than his own family and grandparents.
He has said all day today that he doesn't feel he is wrong for saying it; despite it being hurtful; because that's how he feels and he is entitled to an opinion and feelings.

Three weeks ago; DP raised that he feels I am not intimate enough with him. Again turned into an argument. I tried to explain - I have endometriosis; which is so severe even the University Hospital surgeons won't do a Hysterectomy - I am waiting for a review from a surgeon 3 hours from where I live. The endo leaves me in horrendous pain most of the month; which worsens after being intimate (he knows all of this and has been to the appointments). Of course I am hesitant... it hurts!! When I explained this.. he said "hugging you is like hugging a corpse.. I get nothing back"
I was devastated at this... I am trying my best. I work full time; we have 3 children between us that I do 100% of caring for.. my two DC are both Autistic so they require a lot of attention.. my DD10 doesn't sleep well so I am up most nights. I literally sobbed; tried to explain why I was so hurt. I told him I was embarrassed that I can't be intimate more but it hurts and makes me uncomfortable. He dismissed it with "it's how I feel.. by saying I shouldn't say things like that you are saying I shouldn't say how I feel"

AIBU to say that if your feelings are going to insult or hurt someone you should maybe think twice about saying them... or am I being dismissive of him

YABU - he can say what he wants - regardless of the impact
YANBU - he can not say what he wants and should be more considerate.

Give him a date for him and his ds to leave. If he refuses contact the police and they will escort him and his ds out.

^ THIS

The first post nailed it

I haven't read all the comments, but he sounds like an utterly selfish entitled prick. Get rid. He and his DS can go to the grandparents and smash up the new DS bedroom in that house. Cheeky gits. Also your bills will go down and you can redecorate that bedroom for your own perusal. Cheeky bastard that man.

You need to involve the police. He doesn't get to live in your house and continue a relationship with you if that is not what you want 🤷

Why have you let this situation continue?

Seriously, get him out. You can end a relationship for any or no reason.

The total lack of sensitivity around intimacy whilst you suffer with endometriosis and the fact his son has actually HIT you are surely massive red flags OP. Get him out.

FAFS! Read your post back to yourself and imagine reading it as if someone else posted it. What would you say to that woman?? Get the fuckers out now. Stop being a mug. Think of your daughter. C'mon now, FFS, catch a fucking grip. For your daughter at least. If they won't leave phone the police. For you daughter FFS. You are her mother.
Now. Not tomorrow. Do it. Now.

I agree. You deserve much better them this and you will be much happier with him and his son gone! You've put up with them for long enough.

Hi op it sounds like your feeling are the ones that don't matter here and he saying things like I am allowed to have feelings and opinions which is. He's saying to you tough luck if you don't like them. You should also say I have feelings and opinions that matter as well so I feel like I don't want you here anymore and my opinion is I want you to move out, he sounds very entitled tbh he matters and you don't. Let him go and tell him your not backing down his son can have a key in his new home with dad and smash up his place. He really sounds awful and his son will be like that aswell. Good luck.

Have you RTFT? Her DP's son hits her and trashes his room.

He and his DS have no right to be in your property if you do not want them there
It goes without saying that they have both taken advantage of your kind nature and abused you.
Tell him the relationship is over( have someone there if you think he will kick off) and you want them both to leave
The easiest way is to change locks when they're out really
If he refuses to leave call 101 and ask for the police to escort him out, which they will do
( they escorted mine to the next county!)

Maybe you should seek legal advice because they have been living in your home for the last four years. The question is, you are making them homeless do you legally owe them anything?

I have heard of some men claiming money even although they paid nothing towards the mortgage.

I have many times; and when ever I broach the subject with him he will say something along the lines of "what because I am not entitled to feelings and opinions"

There are ways and ways though arent there?

Saying, I am sad that your health problems make intimacy not as frequent as I would like, but I understand how hard it is for you and I feel really bad for you would still express his feelings but would be a lot less critical and unkind.

So I guess the answer here is - you are fully entitled to your feelings and opinions. You are entitled to express how you feel However, you are not entitled to be unkind, rude or unkind, and to dismiss or deny my feelings. And this is why it is over.

Sigh.
It seems the OP has posted about this cocklodger and his entitled and violent son before. And no doubt got similar advice...

We are now on page 11 and she hasn't responded for quite a while.

How can we help you free yourself, @isitme852 ?

I am still here. And I am still reading responses. I just need to be careful because DP is around.

You need to get out. There are charities you can call or even the police.

Ring them and tell them about the incident with his son.
You don't have to press charges but explain you don't feel safe and want them both out.
Change locks when they're out and have the police waiting when they get back.
Good luck OP. You deserve better.

Is there someone you can get to come over when you tell him he needs to move him and his son out?

He is gaslighting you and is always going to come back at you trying to turn it back on you when you try to end the relationship. Face it, you are a handy meal ticket for him and his DS and he is hardly giving that up voluntarily. You need to take control, tell him enough is enough, the relationship usn’t working out and they have a week to find alternative living arrangements. And if they haven’t by then stick their bags on the doorstep and change the locks

I think you need to stop thinking of you, your dp and dss and start thinking about your daughter. She has been at the bottom of the pile for long enough. You need to start putting her first because it isn't fair what you have exposed her to.
I am not buying the feeble 'he won't leave' nonsense. You just don't like confrontation, so accept it when he ignores what you are saying. Think of your daughter and the shit she's had to witness and find enough strength to repeat that you want him and his son out.
I've said it before on here but there is a type of woman who will place a new partner and his child/ren above her own in a desperate attempt to show him how nice she is. Stop being one of those women.

This! ⬆️

It’s been said here and your other thread; get some legal advice and speak to Women’s aid. You are not in a relationship, you are being milked for money and a place to live the gaslighted when you object. Don’t even engage with his comments. I realise it’s hard because you are exhausted and unwell but you will be less unwell once this stress behind you.

Are you still reading op?
Speak to women's aid and the ring the police. My own son had become my oppresser in my house where I paid for everything and he gamed 24/7. He shouted and screamed at people online, screamed at me that there was no food (there was), he was intimidating, threatening, made MORE mess when I asked him to be tidy, screamed louder when I said your sister is studying.

I got him out of the house with the help of the police. I have no regrets. I wish things had been different but I cannot be subjected to this crap again. I left his father 18 years ago.

If my son is an angry man who hates me for not being the doormat he wants me to be, well, it's not what I dreamt of when I held him in my arms when he was a baby, but I'm not enduring a total lack of respect AGAIN.

If he hates me, that's sad, but letting him live with me screaming at me didn't make him respect me, so either way, he hated me at least this way, I have peace.

Call the police. Do. They will help you. It's your decision to end this relationship and get your home back for you and yr daughter.

Stop calling him DP. You don’t want to be in a relationship with this man and you need to cement it in your head that this man is not your partner, dear/darling or otherwise.

You don’t have to say it out loud, if you’re not ready. But in your head, and on here, he’s your ex and it’s safe to say it.

And please contact Women’s Aid. Your life isn’t your own. You need help getting it back.

Several people are saying to think of the Op's daughter - the Op has 2 children:
' my two DC are both Autistic '
yes she has said re one - her dd is 10, hasn't given detail of her other child who may or may not be younger than 10.

Making comments like "hugging you is like hugging a corpse.. I get nothing back" whilst pestering OP for sex, having sat in on Doctor's appointment and hearing how painful it is for her -
is one of the most hurtful and cruel comments made by someone to their partner that I've read on MN.
Abusive.

Explain that you need to sit down with him and share how you feel. That you don't feel your opinions and feelings count for anything either.

Write a list of things you want to talk about. If he interrupts at any point just remind him that he needs to listen to them fully first.

He needs to remember that we learn together. Simba being hit over the head hurt, that's why he learnt to move out of the way. We change our behaviours and grow as people. He is entitled to his opinions and feelings but you're entitled to disagree. And your feelings/opinions are equally valid. In the case of your house he has a 20% say and you have an 80% say. He may wish for his DS to have a key but the final decision is yours.

When I choose what to wear to an event, my DH has an opinion (which I value because he has a great eye) but the decision is ultimately mine (even if he's usually right, dammit!).

Your reply needs to be that you will listen to his arguments but the decision is ultimately yours and he needs to RESPECT that.