To feel insulted and hurt...

[isitme852]

going anon for this...

Whenever myself and DP have a disagreement he cannot apologise for things he has said; he declares "by apologising you are saying my feelings aren't valid and its always about how you feel"

Two examples.. But I have more...

Yesterday morning he briefly mentioned about giving his DS (17) (not my son) a key to the house we live in. It is my house; my mortgage - DP has lived here with his son for 5ish years. I had said I didn't know how I felt about it and could we maybe talk about it later. My DD was eating breakfast and DP was walking out of the door for work. I wanted to talk about it later as his DS has not had the best track record of behaviour and also is a little immature. It was my intention to suggest "yes he can have a key - but there needs to be ground rules about who comes back here and when" etc etc. This turned into a bit of a discussion - culminating in DP saying "I don't feel like this is DS home"
For context; his ex kicked DS out at 12; DP picked him up and asked if he could stay here that night and he has never left. I have moved everyone's rooms around to accommodate his DS; gave up my children's playroom and my office so he could have his own room. I have clothed and fed him when DP couldn't work or hasn't had money. I have taken him on multiple holidays including abroad.. he never even had a passport before he moved in with us. I never leave him out; if I buy for my two I buy for him... whether it be sweets or a day out.
His DS has behaviour problems; he has smashed up his room; hit me; destroyed things in my house; he doesn't like to be told what to do - such as coming in at a set time; tidyig his room etc. And yet I am still here.. supporting him.
For him to say "I don't feel like this is his home" has really hurt me. I have done more for him than his own family and grandparents.
He has said all day today that he doesn't feel he is wrong for saying it; despite it being hurtful; because that's how he feels and he is entitled to an opinion and feelings.

Three weeks ago; DP raised that he feels I am not intimate enough with him. Again turned into an argument. I tried to explain - I have endometriosis; which is so severe even the University Hospital surgeons won't do a Hysterectomy - I am waiting for a review from a surgeon 3 hours from where I live. The endo leaves me in horrendous pain most of the month; which worsens after being intimate (he knows all of this and has been to the appointments). Of course I am hesitant... it hurts!! When I explained this.. he said "hugging you is like hugging a corpse.. I get nothing back"
I was devastated at this... I am trying my best. I work full time; we have 3 children between us that I do 100% of caring for.. my two DC are both Autistic so they require a lot of attention.. my DD10 doesn't sleep well so I am up most nights. I literally sobbed; tried to explain why I was so hurt. I told him I was embarrassed that I can't be intimate more but it hurts and makes me uncomfortable. He dismissed it with "it's how I feel.. by saying I shouldn't say things like that you are saying I shouldn't say how I feel"

AIBU to say that if your feelings are going to insult or hurt someone you should maybe think twice about saying them... or am I being dismissive of him

YABU - he can say what he wants - regardless of the impact
YANBU - he can not say what he wants and should be more considerate.

Your husbands son HIT YOU.

Sorry op, your boundaries are too low.

You’re paying for practically everything.
It’s your house.
You can’t have sex for health reasons and your arsehole dp is pushy and nasty.
You literally spend time arguing with your dp or bending over backwards for him and his horrid dc.

You’re just a cash machine and hotel that’s gets trashed by the customers.

Throw them both out.

Do yourself the favour of your life and sling them both out!

He hit her and now he wants a key to her house...

Yes.

I know others on here will not understand. But yes. I have tried to end this. And it doesn't work. He doesn't listen. Carries on like nothing has happened and I haven't said a single word about it.

We are going to the cinema this evening with my DD and DD Friend. It will like nothing has happened today/yesterday.

You need help- but you need to be firm as well. You need to tell him the deadline that he needs to be out by. You need to approach the police and ask for support to remove him. But you have to be clear in your own mind that he needs to go.

His level of entitlement is off the scale. He is behaving as though you should be grateful to be living in HIS house.

I hope you can find the strength to evict the pair of them.

The lack of apology isn't really the issue. The issue is that he's such a cunt in the first place

Agree. What a horrible, horrible man. You will be so much better alone @isitme852

I am surprised how ending it does not work if it is only your house?

Tell hum you want him out in a week.
Start packing his shit.
Call someone to change locks and put his stuff outside.
Done.
Proceed to engage with a solicitor as you share DCs and arrange how to deal with that via court.

Then keep telling him. Tell him he's not welcome to the cinema with you and your daughter. Come on OP. You have agency. Get a solicitor to write him a notice of eviction if you have to.

Why are you with him? He sounds like a nasty, selfish person who doesn't care about you very much. From the sounds of it he is adding nothing to your life and is just making it harder. It is your home, I would ask him to move out. You will probably be happier without him.

I would start speaking to the police, sit down with a domestic abuse support officer, explain you have asked him to leave multiple times and he wont go. Tell them that he just ignores you and you don't know what to do. If you at least have all that on record and he does kick off next time you ask him to leave you can call them and they will know the situation and be able to help.

OP, may i ask (you don't need to answer) where your DP was living before he moved in 5/6 years ago?

Was DP married to son's mum?

Where is the father of your kids? I am surprised he didn't voice an opinion on this seeing his 2 kids live in this set up.

Does DP contribute to monthly outgoings? where you vulnerable when you met him?

OK , Thank you for replying OP.

Now that we know she want's him out, practical step by step advice is required.
There are women who have faced this, so please, can we have your wisdom on exactly how to do this?
Not 'chuck him out', or' put his things out', but a safe action plan to get him and his son out asap.

'SuperGreens · Today 17:19
I would start speaking to the police, sit down with a domestic abuse support officer, explain you have asked him to leave multiple times and he wont go. Tell them that he just ignores you and you don't know what to do. If you at least have all that on record and he does kick off next time you ask him to leave you can call them and they will know the situation and be able to help.'

Thank you, yes, this sort of help.

My ex refused to leave. Kept saying he'd sort something out and then carried on as before, after a couple of days I went to B&Q bought a new lock for the front door and changed it over whilst he was out.

He came back, tried to kick the door in, I called the police, they turned up and told me to pack his stuff up so I did and gave it to them and then they asked him to leave from outside the premises and stayed until he did.

Good luck OP

To which I would reply ‘No, it’s because your ds’s behaviour is horrible and you invalidate my physical pain all the time and btw, I’ve supported you and your ds for 5 years now’. Genuinely don’t know why you’re putting up with him and his awful emotional manipulation or his ds hitting you. wtf?! And smashing up his room in YOUR house!

You are clearly afraid of what will happen. I would suggest you contact women’s aid and ask to talk it through.

I think you are struggling because you feel as though you haven’t insisted he goes so it’s ok for him to stay.

That’s not what happened. You’ve asked him to leave more than once. He’s refused to go. You haven’t been able to argue back because of the flight, freeze, fawn reaction. You’re afraid to challenge him further because of fear of what he’d do. You and your DC are vulnerable. You have been appeasing him for your own safety.

That’s ok. It’s a normal reaction. You can choose to do it differently now. Gather support here. Do a little secret planning so you are prepared, and then go for it.

This post has made me so cross for you… LTB… he’s not a partner… he’s a vile piece of work

Change the locks, leave his stuff outside. Call the police if he doesn’t respect your decision to get him out of YOUR house. He has no rights, assuming you aren’t married.

I’m so sorry. You sound lovely.
i hope your endo gets treated.
it’s the lowest of low to be mean about that.
he’s being horrible on purpose and lacks accountability.

LTB. You own the house, you work and you raise all the children. You’re already a single mother but you just happen to have a terrible house mate.

He's a bit of a cocklodger, isn't he? And his son is appalling. Why do you let them both stay?

The 'intimacy' point is exactly being pushed to make OP feel worthless and believe none else will want the OP. He knows exactly which emotional buttons to push and how to hurt you, but yet invalidate your reaction.

Divorce him. He's scared you'll leave because he won't have a cushty house paid for by someone else. His son sounds like an entitled dickhead too.

This is exactly what you should do.

YellowAsteroid · Today 17:25
He's a bit of a cocklodger, isn't he? And his son is appalling. Why do you let them both stay?

She wants them out! How brave would you be faced with a violent 17 year old man and his father?