To feel insulted and hurt...

[isitme852]

going anon for this...

Whenever myself and DP have a disagreement he cannot apologise for things he has said; he declares "by apologising you are saying my feelings aren't valid and its always about how you feel"

Two examples.. But I have more...

Yesterday morning he briefly mentioned about giving his DS (17) (not my son) a key to the house we live in. It is my house; my mortgage - DP has lived here with his son for 5ish years. I had said I didn't know how I felt about it and could we maybe talk about it later. My DD was eating breakfast and DP was walking out of the door for work. I wanted to talk about it later as his DS has not had the best track record of behaviour and also is a little immature. It was my intention to suggest "yes he can have a key - but there needs to be ground rules about who comes back here and when" etc etc. This turned into a bit of a discussion - culminating in DP saying "I don't feel like this is DS home"
For context; his ex kicked DS out at 12; DP picked him up and asked if he could stay here that night and he has never left. I have moved everyone's rooms around to accommodate his DS; gave up my children's playroom and my office so he could have his own room. I have clothed and fed him when DP couldn't work or hasn't had money. I have taken him on multiple holidays including abroad.. he never even had a passport before he moved in with us. I never leave him out; if I buy for my two I buy for him... whether it be sweets or a day out.
His DS has behaviour problems; he has smashed up his room; hit me; destroyed things in my house; he doesn't like to be told what to do - such as coming in at a set time; tidyig his room etc. And yet I am still here.. supporting him.
For him to say "I don't feel like this is his home" has really hurt me. I have done more for him than his own family and grandparents.
He has said all day today that he doesn't feel he is wrong for saying it; despite it being hurtful; because that's how he feels and he is entitled to an opinion and feelings.

Three weeks ago; DP raised that he feels I am not intimate enough with him. Again turned into an argument. I tried to explain - I have endometriosis; which is so severe even the University Hospital surgeons won't do a Hysterectomy - I am waiting for a review from a surgeon 3 hours from where I live. The endo leaves me in horrendous pain most of the month; which worsens after being intimate (he knows all of this and has been to the appointments). Of course I am hesitant... it hurts!! When I explained this.. he said "hugging you is like hugging a corpse.. I get nothing back"
I was devastated at this... I am trying my best. I work full time; we have 3 children between us that I do 100% of caring for.. my two DC are both Autistic so they require a lot of attention.. my DD10 doesn't sleep well so I am up most nights. I literally sobbed; tried to explain why I was so hurt. I told him I was embarrassed that I can't be intimate more but it hurts and makes me uncomfortable. He dismissed it with "it's how I feel.. by saying I shouldn't say things like that you are saying I shouldn't say how I feel"

AIBU to say that if your feelings are going to insult or hurt someone you should maybe think twice about saying them... or am I being dismissive of him

YABU - he can say what he wants - regardless of the impact
YANBU - he can not say what he wants and should be more considerate.

The more I read, the worse it got. Please reconsider this relationship @isitme852. I think you and your children would have a much happier life without this awful man and his equally awful son. Neither of them appears to respect you or anything you do for them.

That's why she needs practical advice and support.

I'd get several people round (family, friends, neighbour you have a good relationship with even) and ask him to leave with witnesses.

Op you are going to need to be a LOT stronger. This is all on you now, he won't leave unless you can be strong for your children. If you don't, your life, and your kids' lives, will be destroyed.

Today, tell him you want him out in two weeks.

When he ignores it, you say 'I want you out in two weeks' again. You don't say anything else, you don't respond to any of the things both good and awful that he's going to say to distract you from what you need to do.

When he ignores what's happened tomorrow, you say 'I want you out in two weeks or I will be calling the police'.

Stop responding to him in any other way. Just repeat over and over again 'I've said everything I'm going to say, I want you out in two weeks or I am calling the police'.

In two weeks, change the electronic key.

In the meantime, if he or his son raise their voice to intimidate you or threaten you, call the police immediately and tell them he is intimidating you, that his son has been violent and he's refusing to leave your property. They will make him leave. Change the electronic key immediately.

Call the police if he tries to come back in.

Do you have any friends that can support you and be a phone call away for when you tell DP he needs to leave?

Otherwise speak to your local police and ask them how you can get someone out of your house who refuses to go (and that one male has already been violent). They can help.

It is YOUR house. YOU decides who lives there. Preferably not this horrible man and his violent son.

You trying to force me to have sex with you makes me feel sick to the core. I can't stand your hands on me. In fact take your son and fuck off.

I'm not very good in relationships 🤣

Then you are in situation where he is wielding coercive control and this is a police matter. Coercion can take a range of forms, including refusing to take any notice when asked to leave.

Contact Women's Aid for advice: https://www.womensaid.org.uk

If he has no right of occupancy then you can give him 14-28 days notice to leave and if he doesn't you can change the locks and shut him and his son out or get a court order to have them removed.

It sounds like a good time to make the break. The son has finished his education and is working and the time has come for you to go your separate ways.

This sounds a nightmare. You cannot raise an issue with your 'partner' because he''ll twist it and say you don't care? So, you can never, ever give him any feedback or that means that you don't care! I can see how he had control over you for years because you needed to PROVE that you did care. But at this point, give your feedback and say that's correct, I do not care, I am done.. If he says you're cold, you're heartless, you're a bitch, just say that's correct yes.
Don't be afraid to ring the police. I did. I have that t-shirt.

OP, you are getting some practical advice to mull over - please let us know if any of it feels do-able?

@isitme852 believe me, i understand.

My x wouldn't have accepted that a relationship was over because I said so. He would have been the judge of that. NOt me. He thought I had NO RIGHT to end the relationship! and the reason he thought that, and told me that was because I wasn't perfect either.......... I kind of bought into his thinking for a while. But he couldn't stop me leaving. It was his house.
This is your house, You're going to have to ring the police. You can get a barring order and a safety order. Do it. I did and I'm so glad I did.

Oh, sorry, didn't mean to blame the OP. Or that she is being soft. But she does need to ask herself, why should they stay.

I hope you can get them out @isitme852 - can you ask Women's Aid for advice on how to get an abusive man + son out of your house?

Please get rid of him OP, your dd is coming to an age when she needs to feel safe in her own home, she clearly isn’t safe if this 17 year old is prepared to hit her mother to get his own way. For her sake, and yours, tell your partner they both need to leave. This weekend. They don’t need notice, they can stay with friends, book into a B and B or hotel.

I'm fairly certain OP made a very similar post a few months ago and was given some very helpful advice.

I do understand how difficult it is to get someone out of your house when you're scared how they might react; I was lucky because although he'd been violent previously he left quite calmly when I told him to. It may have helped that I had two friends there as back up/witnesses. I didn't know about organisations such as Women's Aid at that time but I was certainly prepared to call the police.

@isitme852 if that previous thread was yours please take some of the advice given because you know this situation isn't going to get better. You need to find some strength and start being proactive in evicting these people, not least for the sake of your children.

Your response to that should possibly be “no because I don’t love you and I don’t want you and your son in my home anymore…”
or something like that

Contact the Refuge helpline for practical advice and emotional support. You may not see yourself as a victim of abuse, but someone who refuses to acknowledge that you've tried to end the relationship multiple times is 100% trying to control you. People saying "just throw them out on the street" and "tell him to fuck off" don't know what they're talking about and are obviously missing the fact that one of these men has assaulted you and smashed up your home, and the other one is controlling and may have the potential to become aggressive when challenged.

My advice would be to contact the police and inform them in advance that you will be telling your DP and his 17 year old son, who has previously been violent towards you, to leave. Tell them you are worried they won't go as you have tried to end the relationship several times and your DP won't accept it. Tell them explicitly that you do not feel safe. I have worked with women who have done this and the Police have sent someone out to be there and make sure the man leaves. You will need to get the locks changed and it would be a good idea to arrange for someone to have your DC for a few hours (if you can) so they aren't there to witness any unpleasantness or shouting.

Tell your DC's school and let them know what's happening. That way they can be on alert in case he tries to pick them up from school or anything.

You have received an awful lot of advice here about getting DP and his DS out. I hope it is of use to you.
I just wanted to add something about endometriosis. That on its own, with lots of support, is enough to contend with. It is physically debilitating and mentally exhausting.
Anticipating pain during intimacy is awful.
However, I think the lack of intimacy is being compounded by the way you are being treated, which is beyond the pale. As for the ‘corpse’ comment well I should imagine this man would have that affect on any woman. And you are far too kind to say!
I hope that you get your house and life back OP. You deserve it. I know the advice of experienced posters on here who have been through this will help.
I’m sure meeting someone else is the LAST thing on your mind. But I do know that women with conditions like Endo feel nobody else will want to know. It doesn’t exactly make you feel attractive. But…
If you so choose, at some point in the future, a decent man will understand what you need and that intimacy can be a step forward without you being hurt in any way.
This just an extra post script at the end of more timely and needed advice. It’s definitely not one about ‘when you find your next man’ by the way!
I hope you are able to find some physical strength as stress compounds this awful condition.

I voted YABU only because you stay in a relationship with this inconsiderate prick and home he’s disrespectful son. Get rid of the boyfriend and he can have a key to his dads place instead

I'm fairly certain OP made a very similar post a few months ago and was given some very helpful advice.

I thought this sounded familiar.

Instead of telling us that he 'just won't go', @isitme852 - can you tell us what is actually stopping you from getting him and his awful son out of your house?

What have you tried, what speific steps did you take, and why were you unsuccessful?

Here's the Women's Aid website, @isitme852

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Good luck!

I sometimes think there'd be a market for a Mumsnet Crack SAS Troop, to go round to people's houses to sort out cocklodger or violent or coercive men.

This is a 17year old who HITS his stepmother. He shouldn't be given a key - he should be out on his ear together with his cocklodging father. Don't know why your putting up with this OP- he certainly saw you coming.

OP. It's a trick. He has been trotting out this 'entitled to my feelings' response, because it SOUNDS reasonable, when actually he is simply shutting you down.

It's good that you have had enough.

He obviously has things very nicely set up with you and now it has taken the burden of him sorting his DS away - you've been doing it all. He will continue to put his fingers in his ears and 'la la la la la la' your concerns away unless you are really clear and specific I'm afraid.

Don't do it in the heat of an argument as this is too easy to dismiss as 'being emotional'. Tell him you need to have a chat tomorrow (you mentioned plans tonight) alone. No DC.

Tell him that the argument around DS and the key has focussed your mind and in fact you feel very unhappy with the way the relationship has developed and in particular, a bit horrified that he is 'offended' that you don't want to be in agony so he can have more sex.

Be firm. "I'm really sorry, but this isn't working for me and I am ending things". Say it over and over again if you need to.

Give them a week to make arrangements but do not waiver.

Come back here as often as you need to for support.

Good luck.

So he wants to fuck you even though he knows it causes you pain. Sex in a relationship should be a mutual act of love. Not him getting what he wants. No decent man would want to have sex with a woman who doesn’t want it and knows it hurts her.

If he is refusing to go have you tried contacting women’s aid or refuge for help?

You’re asking the wrong questions.

People are entitled to feelings and opinions but he's using this to justify behaving like a twat. Infact, to hurt you. He's a waste of space. Next time when he says do you want me to leave because you don't want me to have feelings and opinions say no, I want you to leave because you are a really horrible bloke.

He manipulates you
He dismisses you
He gaslights you
You do all of the physical and mental work
He is dismissive and cold toward your pain and physical wellbeing
He is coercive
His son is abusive toward you and your home (which is also your childrens' home)
He never left because you solved his problem having to find somewhere for him an his son to stay.

OP, he does not care about you, he cares about his own set up and wellbeing. Finding a place for him and his son would be difficult and he would have to support you financially too. That's why he doesn't want to leave

This is not a reflection on you btw. It's not your fault. You are a kind hearted and empathetic person who cares about him and his child and wants to help.

You and your children deserve for you to find the strength to leave. You are in an extremely advantageous position in that you own the house. And I'm assuming you are not married as you call him DP and not DH. He needs to leave and let you rebuild your life with somebody who loves you, and who has compassion (and a fucking CLUE) like you do.