To feel insulted and hurt...

[isitme852]

going anon for this...

Whenever myself and DP have a disagreement he cannot apologise for things he has said; he declares "by apologising you are saying my feelings aren't valid and its always about how you feel"

Two examples.. But I have more...

Yesterday morning he briefly mentioned about giving his DS (17) (not my son) a key to the house we live in. It is my house; my mortgage - DP has lived here with his son for 5ish years. I had said I didn't know how I felt about it and could we maybe talk about it later. My DD was eating breakfast and DP was walking out of the door for work. I wanted to talk about it later as his DS has not had the best track record of behaviour and also is a little immature. It was my intention to suggest "yes he can have a key - but there needs to be ground rules about who comes back here and when" etc etc. This turned into a bit of a discussion - culminating in DP saying "I don't feel like this is DS home"
For context; his ex kicked DS out at 12; DP picked him up and asked if he could stay here that night and he has never left. I have moved everyone's rooms around to accommodate his DS; gave up my children's playroom and my office so he could have his own room. I have clothed and fed him when DP couldn't work or hasn't had money. I have taken him on multiple holidays including abroad.. he never even had a passport before he moved in with us. I never leave him out; if I buy for my two I buy for him... whether it be sweets or a day out.
His DS has behaviour problems; he has smashed up his room; hit me; destroyed things in my house; he doesn't like to be told what to do - such as coming in at a set time; tidyig his room etc. And yet I am still here.. supporting him.
For him to say "I don't feel like this is his home" has really hurt me. I have done more for him than his own family and grandparents.
He has said all day today that he doesn't feel he is wrong for saying it; despite it being hurtful; because that's how he feels and he is entitled to an opinion and feelings.

Three weeks ago; DP raised that he feels I am not intimate enough with him. Again turned into an argument. I tried to explain - I have endometriosis; which is so severe even the University Hospital surgeons won't do a Hysterectomy - I am waiting for a review from a surgeon 3 hours from where I live. The endo leaves me in horrendous pain most of the month; which worsens after being intimate (he knows all of this and has been to the appointments). Of course I am hesitant... it hurts!! When I explained this.. he said "hugging you is like hugging a corpse.. I get nothing back"
I was devastated at this... I am trying my best. I work full time; we have 3 children between us that I do 100% of caring for.. my two DC are both Autistic so they require a lot of attention.. my DD10 doesn't sleep well so I am up most nights. I literally sobbed; tried to explain why I was so hurt. I told him I was embarrassed that I can't be intimate more but it hurts and makes me uncomfortable. He dismissed it with "it's how I feel.. by saying I shouldn't say things like that you are saying I shouldn't say how I feel"

AIBU to say that if your feelings are going to insult or hurt someone you should maybe think twice about saying them... or am I being dismissive of him

YABU - he can say what he wants - regardless of the impact
YANBU - he can not say what he wants and should be more considerate.

God OP he sounds bloody horrendous and honestly I have no idea whatsoever why you are still with him. That corpse comment, I actually have no words.

Dump, dump, dump. This guy sounds like he has no redeeming features whatsoever and is draining the life out of you.

Sounds like you would be better off apart. Let him put his hand on his pocket and buy his own place. He can dish out a key to whom he wants then.

He is gaslighting you.
He is minimising your feelings to justify his bad behaviour. Your feelings aren't important to him. He brings nothing to your life apart from misery and getting you to doubt yourself.

Gaslighters have fragile egos, little self esteem and are inherently weak.

His son HIT you? He trashed your house? And your partner is moaning about YOUR behaviour. Out they go!

Why the fuck is he in your house
Kick him out
Both of them
He brings you nothing
I feel angry on your behalf op

His DS has behaviour problems; he has smashed up his room; hit me; destroyed things in my house; he doesn't like to be told what to do - such as coming in at a set time; tidyig his room etc. And yet I am still here.. supporting him.

You have put your daughter through all of this. Why?
What some women will put themselves and their children through to say they have a 'partner'.

Edited due to crap spelling

You don't have to live like this. You really don't. You don't have to put up with this young man hitting you and wrecking your home. You don't have to put up with his whining father either badgering for painful sex. Yes, you have had the son for 5 years from when he was 12 and you did your best but he is not your son and you are not responsible for him. He evidently didn't take the chance and opportunities he got. You have to prioritise your own health, finances and children by giving him and his son two weeks notice to move out. Just tell him that's how you feel.

I know you are asking about how he apologises and him being entitled to his feelings, but he is moaning about not having mire sex when he knows it hurts you. And the corpse comment is so low and awful OP, and then he doubles down by saying that is how he feels while you are crying. For God's sake please leave the nasty little prick.

OP please correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me that you want them out and your partner is pushing back on this?

If this is the case, please tell us simply, and the wiser on here can advise how to do this safely and clearly and permanantly.

'Chuck them out' isn't helpful. What one under each arm?
Leaving bags on the doorstep is going to cause a furore, with accusations and reasons to return.
He will try to stay. You need absolute clarity here.

If this is what OP wants, can we please discus how she can do this safely?

You don’t need his permission to break up with him and tell him to leave.

Yes ,I wrote kick them out ...it was just the initial reaction to the situation as I read it
Two men bullying the op ,one for sex and the other for ....
I'm lost for words ...but op your poor daughter in all this .
But yes , people on here will have so much good advice if you want them out

And you reply “of course you are, but I don’t like your opinions and I don’t love you anymore. This relationship is over. Please leave”

You don’t need his permission to end it. He will gaslight you and try and make you feel like he is a victim, especially to his son. Those aren’t reasons to stay. You’re sacrificing your own happiness for someone who doesn’t care about you. Put yourself and your children first.

So angry to read this... what a bully... my friend had endo so severe she couldn't have sex.. I'd see her laid up for days with pain...
Get rid of these two horrible males

You don't need his permission to end the relationship. If that's what you want to do, you have the right to do it. I know it's easier said than done but if you feel you need permission, we are giving it to you!

You're getting some pretty hard reality reflected back to you Isitme852 - and I'm sorry for that. But this really is an untenable situation and I don't see a way back for your relationship from here.

You don't have to act immediately, take a breath. Think of your DDs and your future. Don't get hung up on his problems (like finding accommodation). And when you're ready - tell him he and his son have to go. Please though - don't leave it too long

Unless your DP has some amazing qualities unmentioned so far - you should remove his key too and let both males stay on the other side of your door.

You do not deserve to be treated like this.

Hope your op goes well and that your future is better with the removal of all the pains in your life.

I have to ask, why are you with this man? He doesn't seem to bring much to the table - his son has HIT you and still you're told that you're not making him feel welcome? I wonder why that is?

He doesn't care that the person he is supposed to cherish is in pain and wants sex regardless? That really is shocking - he doesn't care at all.

He is a cocklodger.

He wants to have sex with you even though he knows it will hurt you.

This is one of the most upsetting things I think i've read on here and I've been around for 15-odd years.

What kind of monster, seriously?

As for the rest of it - he's an abusive shit who is using you. His DS is violent and has behavioural issues that are not your problem.

You have to separate for the sake of your own children, even if you can't do it for yourself.

And yes, to add to what everyone has said.

YOU DON'T NEED HIS PERMISSION TO END THE RELATIONSHIP.

It's your decision - nothing to do with him now.

Also you feel hurt, but have you spared a thought to your kids who had to live with these people because of you?

This x1000.

He sounds horrible. Your kids don't need to be dealing with him around and all the tension. Get rid. You are not responsible for housing him and his son.

I am open mouthed reading that.

He is absolutely disgusting.

I am so sorry OP.

Yet another post of a woman doing all the work, holding everything together for the family at great cost to herself, whilst an absolutely disgusting arse of a man can only think about himself.

Yet another post of a woman doing all the work, holding everything together for the family at great cost to herself, whilst an absolutely disgusting arse of a man can only think about himself.

That the woman herself is choosing.

His feeling are NOT more importantly than yours, he is selfishly missing the heart of the matter.

The intimacy thing sounds terrible. In such a circumstance I can image my partner says he misses me or our time together and is sad too. This sounds like he is only concerned about his own intimate and emotional needs.

I would say.

1. I am not intimate for reasons you understand.

1. I don't understand why you feel I do not want your DS here. In future set aside time to talk properly and agree a solution together that we are both comfortable with. I will not talk about this in front of the children.

He can have whatever feelings he wants. You can wholeheartedly disagree with them. You do not need to defend yourself against such nonsense.

I would probably ask him to keep vents about these type of feelings to himself. He can have whatever feelings he wants, he doesn't not need to visit these things on you, especially if you have told him they are hurtful.

(I would simply agree with them). He sounds like an arse.

Didn't you post about your stepson a few months ago? You were scared of him because of his behaviour; he'd broken your fingers, punched you and smashed his room up. The details in the post are uncannily similar to this one.

Whether that was your thread or not the advice is the same. Your partner and his son both need to find somewhere else to live. You and your children deserve better.