Boyfriend not coming back from holiday

[Madnessinblue]

Boyfriend had gone on a business trip and extended by a few days to spend time with his friend. He won’t tell me when he’s coming back as he is undecided and says he just needs a break. It started with one extra night to now on day 3.

Now normally this would be understandable. However he has hardly been spending any time with me over the past few months as he has been so busy with work and life.

I asked a few months ago if he would take a holiday with me (it’s next week as I have time off work) and he said he could not spare the time off of his work and that he also could not afford to do it. He does however seem to have the money to fund a trip with his friend and lavish fine dining meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner plus super expensive bars for a few extra days at a luxury destination.

AIBU?

Don't let anyone treat you like this. You are worth so much more. Book your own holiday and make yourself unavailable from now on.

Don't ask him again when he is coming home. Move on with someone that actually fancies you.

YBU to think this man is your bf or partner. He's; dumped you, is dumping you or planning on dumping you.

Make a plan for your birthday so you can have something nice to look forward too. Less disappointment and maintain your own sense of self.
Book trip away with a friend, i have found it is best to cintuine doing what you wish with others or by yourself.
Does he call you while he is away?
I would be moving on myself.. it is fairly easy to maintain communication and being considerate when needed by someone.
If he contuines to be like this I would be moving on.

Please don't tell him it's over. Don't embarrass yourself. Just drop the rope. He was done with this ages ago. Block and delete and forget the word salad he came out with about wanting to be together.

Don't go by what he claims, he's gaslighting you (telling you something that you just know with facts isn't true).

he's showing you who he is, his actions speak volumes. He's got children from another relationship who he has to put first, he has a friend he wants to spend time with. He has choice and you don't fit into those choices. If there was a list of priorities, you aren't even making it onto that list.

let him go, you aren't even living together. Tell him it's over, thanks for the good times and your lives have now moved in opposite directions. Adios.

Is this a joke? He is CLEARLY seeing someone else, how can you not see that? Sorry OP. Bin him.

However he has hardly been spending any time with me over the past few months as he has been so busy with work and life.

This is the nub of it; the extended break with friends shows you he can make time in his life for fun, just not with you. It won't get any better and your self-esteem will be in shreds if you allow this to drag on any longer.

I'd be concerned that if I stayed with this man I would always be low down on his priorities. And that upsetting me wouldn't bother him.

Imagine if you had kids together and you were still low down? If he chose mates holidays over family. If he chose himself over family.

I'd seriously consider moving on and aiming higher. From what you said you deserve better.

My instincts would be that he is waiting to see how his new relationship is going before fully letting you go.

I'd bet any money that the person on holiday with him now is actually his new girlfriend of a few months...but he wants you as a backup option.

If it doesn't go well he can come back and tell you he has finally realised how much you mean to him, or some such guff.

@Madnessinblue he has absolutely no plans to move in with you! move on and go out tonight and enjoy yourself because that is what he is doing. dont bother wasting time trying to contact him again.

It sounds to me like he's not really into you. If he's not moving heaven and earth to spend time with you now then he never will. Life's too short to waste time on someone who doesn't see you as a priority. Dump him and move on.

I think you’re getting the message OP. Time to move on I’m afraid.

How old are his children ? Im guessing theyare all adults as if they were younger he would be having them to stay at his house, not visit them in their own places.

how do you get on with his children and his family @Madnessinblue ?

Yup. Agree.

Ah, many years ago I had an ex that did this. He didn’t actually tell me he wasn’t coming home, he just never turned up. Spoke to his dad who told me he’d decided to stay longer but didn’t know any more details. 6 weeks of radio silence later, he reappeared on my doorstep to confess that he’d met someone else. I threw things at him.

I heard through the grapevine that things didn’t work out with the “soulmate” he told me he’d met… shame. I sometimes wonder if he ever did manage to sort himself out. Meanwhile, I’m happily married with a baby on the way.

Hopefully your partner isn’t quite as extreme as this one was. But whatever happens, you’ll be ok.

In all honesty I'd play it cool and just not bother contacting him. Wait for him to contact you then tell him it's over.

It's over. Don't waste any more time thinking about him and get on with your life.

I understood that he has extended a work trip and is now there with a friend so the meals would now be for him to pay for. The only thing his work would cover us the return flight as they'd be covering that anyway just at another date.
There's nothing wrong with extending a work trip in itself, but he refuses to go on holiday with OP or even meet up with her recently.

I presumed that maybe they lived far away so he visited them at their mother's or close to there.
OP didn't mention that he sees her on the other weekends though so do they get any weekends together?

How do you know about all the lavish fine dining?

I think this demonstrates the difference between not being ‘able’ to afford something and not ‘wanting’ to afford something.

He didn’t ‘want’ to afford time or money on you. But he is ‘able’.

The message is clear.

I used to go abroad for work and frequently extended those trips. I always planned and organised it in advance... you couldnt / didnt randomly do it as you need to organise both the flights and time off work.

Its been THREE years - at this point he knows you well enough to know how hurtful this is.
Either he thinks:
you'll put up with his shit
Or He wants out and doesnt want to pull the trigger.

either way is bad tbh.
I like the message @BananaLambo suggested.

The walks and tv and sex is a shit way to live. That was my life during lockdown!!!

When i was dating my dh we had an amazing time, went to anything new or cool that opened, galleries, museums, restaurants, operas, shows, nice restaurants, loads of city breaks allll the bars and restaurants.

Life is too short. Dont wait for him to come back.

Edit: I assumed you and he were early 20s 🤯🤯🤯😵‍💫 but there are children plural.
RUN get out !!!!

Some people don't like to have conversations that may be upsetting or difficult. Probably whilst this places the onus on you, if you end the relationship you have certainty and leave it with dignity.

Was he actually there for work? Do you have any evidence for that?

He does know when he is coming back he's just not telling you. This was always a trip he had planned.

I would also suspect he's not with who he says he is with.

I am sorry OP.