Boyfriend not coming back from holiday

[Madnessinblue]

Boyfriend had gone on a business trip and extended by a few days to spend time with his friend. He won’t tell me when he’s coming back as he is undecided and says he just needs a break. It started with one extra night to now on day 3.

Now normally this would be understandable. However he has hardly been spending any time with me over the past few months as he has been so busy with work and life.

I asked a few months ago if he would take a holiday with me (it’s next week as I have time off work) and he said he could not spare the time off of his work and that he also could not afford to do it. He does however seem to have the money to fund a trip with his friend and lavish fine dining meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner plus super expensive bars for a few extra days at a luxury destination.

AIBU?

I would think about cutting him loose. You’ll be free to meet someone who values you and wants to spend time with you.

Go quiet on him. Make your own plans, book yourself a holiday and start doing what he is doing. Be “too busy” for him: “I’d love to see you but I’ve made arrangements to go out with friends / take a trip / do something I’ve always wanted to do…” Say it without venom or anger. In fact just be lovely, calm and happy.

See what he does.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He's not that in to you. He's not investing in you emotionally, physically or even financially if he can't even be arsed to treat you both to a nice meal out instead of a walk in the park or netflixs and chill!

Do not progress with this relationship because he is not showing you any respect here. Do not move in with him, do not marry him and certainly never get pregnant by him!! RUN!

I can imagine how horrible you feel. It makes you feel completely confused and helpless because you can't understand why things are changing when nothing has happened. I'd trust your gut though. Whether he's cheating on you now or just keeping his options open for later he doesn't see you as a priority.

What I'd do is take your power back. Don't worry about contacting him or waiting to see what he says or hoping he's factoring you in or whether he sees a future with you. Think to yourself what do I want to do next. If I could go anywhere or do anything what would I do? What do I want to focus on: health, career, fun, travel?

Nothing to do with him, this is all about you, prioritise yourself. Then sketch it out in your head and write it down and put it into action.

Then end it. It’s making you feel bad and relationships are not supposed to make you feel bad, ignored etc.

Do you have somebody you can make a nice birthday plan with?

Oh, that adds a whole layer of complexity. On Reddit we'd call it "art room" after a particularly notorious thread. Married guy wanted to turn a spare bedroom in house into an art room for his new male bestie. And give him a key to the house. I'll let you figure out what happened next.
Honestly don't chase him. When he returns, his behaviour will tell you all you need to know. Keep busy.

@MeTooOverHere oh my goodness, I need details!!!!!!

You handle it by subtle dropping in facts about his behaviour for the next month and letting him think he's getting away with it.

No, X didn't get me anything nice for my birthday.

I've texted him but not heard back etc.

Wait for people you know to suggest dumping him. Then you "follow their advice" and he doesn't get to play the bolt from the blue victim.

I think you know what you need to do. He's showing you how he feels. Don't let him treat you like this!

You’re a better person than I am. I’d roast him alive for having told me he couldn’t afford to go anywhere with me and then having a lovely little holiday with his ‘mate’.

OP, you deserve a lot better than this. I’d tell him straight that you don’t appreciate being put at the bottom of the list and it’s over.

THIS! ^
If you just don't chase him you can also add you "stopped hearing from him". No big fight and sides to be chosen. "He just stopped calling me....."

You are the backup option.

You are Miss Right Now not Miss Right.

He's hanging onto you, until he gets a better option. Thats all.

Walk.

Yeah fuck that. Christ I'd have asked my partner to join me if I was intending to extend my trip.

The fact that it's your birthday and you want to go away and he's blowing any potential holiday budget on hanging out with a friend abroad instead would be the final nail in the coffin especially after months of taking me for granted.

Really sorry OP, you deserve better.

Have you seen any evidence of this man? Have you seen photos? Is he on your bfs social media?

I hope this isn’t the case but I had a friend whose boyfriend would go off on trips abroad with “the boys” but it came out later he was going for weekends with one or two of his “other women” .

He had full blown relationships with these women although he lived with my friend. She would go to visit her family for a weekend and come back and think it was weird how he always changed the bedsheets (didn’t bother much otherwise) or photos of her that were on display previously would be tucked away .
He always excused it as he was just cleaning or saying she was imagining things etc but I didn’t buy it and pushed her to investigate. She didn’t want to open her eyes to it, but eventually did and found his secret second phone about a year later which showed he was in relationships with multiple women while he barely paid her any attention.

It would be even easier for your bf to be doing something like that since you don’t live together.

At the moment he lets you do all the chasing and accommodating. That’s not a relationship.

If I were you I’d stop contacting him. Make plans as if he doesn’t exist. See how long he takes to notice. It will give you space to decide whether your life is actually improved by not having to bother about him.

Actions are so much louder than words. This is red flags all over for me. In the context of an otherwise great relationship it would be fine but from what you've said it's like you're getting the slow fade and not being prioritised. Make some nice plans for your birthday of your own, even if it's just you taking yourself out for afternoon tea or going for a nice walk or driving to the seaside! Anything you enjoy. I'd be tempted to wait until your bf gets back so you it's no drama whilst he's away and he's getting his break but as soon as it's over, say something like I've had time to reflect and think it's really good you've had a break and will be good for both of us to do that and go our own ways. Along those lines. Put yourself first and things will honestly only get better from there. Even if it takes time it will all be ok.

Well, since you see how he has been behaving, let him go. Don't hang on because "it's been 3 years".
You deserve better, and you don't deserve to be treated like a chore this dud needs to check off his list. Find someone who will value you and want to holiday with you and just be with you.

You’re answering your own questions here, @Madnessinblue, I’m very sorry.
Perhaps if you went back and just read your posts only, it’d be more clear.

”Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”
—Oscar Wilde

I expect there's another woman.
There always is in these scenarios.

He's just not that into you.

Beware the sunk cost fallacy - 'I've invested X years in this relationship so I have to keep going or it's all been wasted.'

Consider he doesn't seem to want to spend time with you, and it's unlikely he'll remember your birthday.

Or he does remember it and does some cut and paste soppy text and an easy option present and a Moonpig card. Keep you quiet.

You're the convenient option. Not The One.

Let it go.

I definitely don’t feel like a priority to him

Don't contact him any more. If he wants you he'll have to make an effort.

He's checked out. Dump him

He is telling you as clearly as possible, without actually using the words, that he wants out. Stop running after him - and read this classic book: Women Who Love Too Much. It'll help you make sure that you won't be messed about like this ever again.

OP you sound lovely but really, you need to have dignity and take back some control of the situation. Please take time to read these comments and reflect on what’s happening here. This man is treating you appallingly and you’re just accepting it and allowing him to do so. He claims to love you but doesn’t want to spend time with you? Claims to be hard up but is spending money lavishly on himself while on his extended break without you? I’ve just re-read the last part of your OP and really, it’s complete madness for you to stay with this man!

I think you should start thinking about yourself and your needs and find someone who truly deserves you.

Good luck!