Boyfriend not coming back from holiday

[Madnessinblue]

Boyfriend had gone on a business trip and extended by a few days to spend time with his friend. He won’t tell me when he’s coming back as he is undecided and says he just needs a break. It started with one extra night to now on day 3.

Now normally this would be understandable. However he has hardly been spending any time with me over the past few months as he has been so busy with work and life.

I asked a few months ago if he would take a holiday with me (it’s next week as I have time off work) and he said he could not spare the time off of his work and that he also could not afford to do it. He does however seem to have the money to fund a trip with his friend and lavish fine dining meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner plus super expensive bars for a few extra days at a luxury destination.

AIBU?

I don't think it matters whether he's 'into you' or not. You aren't getting what you need from this relationship - you want companionship, you want to be someone's priority, you want to enjoy good times and have someone to share fun experiences with...he isn't offering you that.

You deserve all the things that you want from a relationship. This is the wrong guy for you. Don't make it about him, it's about you. Break-up with him and move on - this kind of person isn't right for you and he will disappoint you for ever more. Even if he says he will change, he might for a short period of time, but it won't feel good as you can't trust him not to default back to how he really is - someone that can't or won't prioritise you and make you feel special. Come on - make a change for you...be brave and courageous...and get on with your life how you want to live it!

Take the power here and tell him the relationship needs a massive change assuming you want to try to save it or says thanks it's been fun and bye .
I've watched my bil phase girls out.of his life in a very similar manner and it's amazed me what some have tolerated .

This sounds exactly like my ex. It's his exact playbook. Had you not mentioned the kids and not yet cohabiting I would've sworn you were the latest victim. Money for trips with the boys but not enough for a £10 seat at the theatre with me.

It made me feel like shit and it's part of the reason he's an ex. He was very clearly not interested but too lazy/cowardly to say anything so he hoped I'd cotton on. I did but I still made him say it as I didn't care but I did want to watch him squirm. Finish with yours OP, you'll probably find you don't miss him and you're worth more than the scraps of someone's attention. I met and married someone lovely once I'd parted ways with the selfish wimp.

The relationship sounds over to me OP.

He’s being cowardly not finishing it respectfully with you and is waiting for you to
end it, treating you carelessly in the meantime.

Then go, girl. It's less painful in the end and certainly before you live together.

With the background of spending less and less time with you over last few months, I would hedge my bets that he has found someone new. He’s on holiday with his new woman.

He's checked out.

But he hasn't the balls to have a conversation with you about his changed of heart.

Tell him he's dumped and move on.

Please be careful about giving him a few more days to prove himself... if he is crafty he will do something nice for your birthday so you'll temporarily forget how poor things are generally. Then the same pattern will likely resume.

Even though he might be angling for you to break up with him, he might also just like having you around as a convenient option.

If you raise your standards someone better will come along.

I was thinking that possibly the reason he hasn't broken it off with you yet is that he's lining up his new squeeze, maybe hoping to move in with her and the pieces haven't fallen into place yet.

I hope you get to make the first move.

Ring him up and scream at him, tell him he’s an A hole and you are not prepared to be treat like this

If he loves you - you want a holiday next week, paid by him for your birthday!

Go to that then dump!

You know this situation has red flags all over it. Cut your losses and move on.

So update:

he has booked a flight home. He’s booked it tomorrow as he says it’s cheaper. I looked up the flights and the one he’s on is 3x the price of an evening one today.

I called him and he didn’t answer, called me back 5 minutes later and said he was in shower. We spoke for 15 minutes and then I asked to FaceTime and he had bone dry hair and was fully clothed. Definitely hadn’t been in the shower.

He’s lecturing me about trust and that my lack of it is destroying our relationship. The guy lies about being in the shower, how can I trust the big things?

I think it’s done

You seem to be clinging on to a faint hope that he's going to make it all right for you. He isn't and this "trust" nonsense is just gaslighting.

Honestly - throw him back. You cannot force him to love you - and he doesn't.

I’d send one message and say it’s not working because honestly you don’t really fancy him anymore so best you part ways.

Let him take a hit to his ego.

Don’t bother blocking you look like you care.
Just stop responding.

Sorry he’s treated you so badly

I can guarantee you if your relationship ended now and he was chasing a new girl, he would not be treating her the way he is treating you. He knows he would have to devote time, energy and money to convince her he’d be a worthy boyfriend. Ive seen it happen with so many men. All the things their wives or girlfriends have begged them for (time, attention, affection etc) and not received are willingly showered on the new love interest. Don’t beg for his time or attention, if he valued you he would be putting in that effort. He’s not. Let it go and move on to someone who does think you are worth their time and effort.

Sounds like he’s checked out

@Madnessinblue please get in there before him and end things. Your dignity will thank you 💙

You are worth so much more than this and you'll find someone who prioritises you.

(This is all advice I wish I'd given myself in the past haha)

Does the man feature in any photos of the fine dining etc?

This isn’t a relationship. Move on.

So you make sure you are busy for the next couple of weeks OP.
he can’t prioritise you. So you don’t give him the time of day.
if he suggests seeing you over the weekend. Sorry bob im busy. Didn’t know when you were coming back so Ive got plans now.
your birthday - yeah sorry, can’t see you, I made plans with friends because didn’t know when you were back.
next week - no sorry I’m off on holiday with a mate.
etc etc.
he left you dangling.
fo the same to him. Except with the intention of never seeing him again.
Let the selfish idiot sweat a bit and get a taste of his own medicine.
make him KNOW that you are not sitting around waiting on his crumbs of attention, but instead are simply indifferent.
That will bother him way more than just saying we’re done.
then in a couple weeks, just block him and move on.

It's extremely unreasonable behaviour in a 3 year apparently serious relationship. I'd find someone else who went out of their way to spend time with me.

Of course he can do what he wants.

However, the OP can chose what she wants to do in response and I'd suggest she dumps him!

I think I would find a new boyfriend. Yes he can extend his trip. But his actions have shown you he can’t/wont spend time with you. I would go away without him next week even if it’s alone.

Sorry sweetie… sounds like he’s had his head turned at work. Fucker. I’d be going though his phone.

Yes, not to persuade him he wants you, but go live your life and have fun.