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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend not coming back from holiday

278 replies

Madnessinblue · 27/06/2024 22:31

Boyfriend had gone on a business trip and extended by a few days to spend time with his friend. He won’t tell me when he’s coming back as he is undecided and says he just needs a break. It started with one extra night to now on day 3.

Now normally this would be understandable. However he has hardly been spending any time with me over the past few months as he has been so busy with work and life.

I asked a few months ago if he would take a holiday with me (it’s next week as I have time off work) and he said he could not spare the time off of his work and that he also could not afford to do it. He does however seem to have the money to fund a trip with his friend and lavish fine dining meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner plus super expensive bars for a few extra days at a luxury destination.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Kittensat36 · 03/07/2024 07:30

I've been ghosted and I think it's an awful, appalling thing to do, cruel and heartless.

I would TOTALLY ghost this guy.

Wouldn't even bother dumping him, just yeah whatevs. And that's not a tactic to get him running back to you, it's a tactic for getting your life together.

If anyone asks, tell them you were tired of putting up with his shit and leave it at that.

FailingMum81 · 03/07/2024 08:48

Do hope you're ok op and you were able to enjoy your birthday in some way ❤️

Original poster
Madnessinblue · 03/07/2024 09:13

Thank you all for your comments and thoughts on the situation, it is really helpful to see your view in the situation, although most are aligned that it’s a LTB situation!

So he didn’t bring me anything back from his holiday or remember my birthday, I didn’t get a present or a card and when I told him he didn’t even and say he will make it up to me or suggest a meal out or a proper apology. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

So I’ve since found out, through sleuthing, that he was staying at a luxury 5 star hotel (not his friends sofa as he told me) the entire trip was pre planned and not a last minute thought. He’s planned a party week and lied to me about it. He also went with a male friend from home. Not his elderly business/ work friend. It cost an absolutely extortionate amount (we are talking multiple thousands) yet he told me he can’t spare a few hundred for a flight to come away with me, as I had said I would pay for the hotel and everything else. At one point I said I’d pay his flight but he said he couldn’t spare the time off work!

I’m ashamed to admit this isn’t the first time he has lied to me. But it will be the last. I’m going to LTB. I know deserve so much better.

It’s tough knowing I’ve given this man 3 years of my life but, wow, I’ve learnt a lot of lessons on this one!

OP posts:
TheTartfulLodger · 03/07/2024 09:17

Madnessinblue · 03/07/2024 09:13

Thank you all for your comments and thoughts on the situation, it is really helpful to see your view in the situation, although most are aligned that it’s a LTB situation!

So he didn’t bring me anything back from his holiday or remember my birthday, I didn’t get a present or a card and when I told him he didn’t even and say he will make it up to me or suggest a meal out or a proper apology. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

So I’ve since found out, through sleuthing, that he was staying at a luxury 5 star hotel (not his friends sofa as he told me) the entire trip was pre planned and not a last minute thought. He’s planned a party week and lied to me about it. He also went with a male friend from home. Not his elderly business/ work friend. It cost an absolutely extortionate amount (we are talking multiple thousands) yet he told me he can’t spare a few hundred for a flight to come away with me, as I had said I would pay for the hotel and everything else. At one point I said I’d pay his flight but he said he couldn’t spare the time off work!

I’m ashamed to admit this isn’t the first time he has lied to me. But it will be the last. I’m going to LTB. I know deserve so much better.

It’s tough knowing I’ve given this man 3 years of my life but, wow, I’ve learnt a lot of lessons on this one!

So when are you going to leave?

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 03/07/2024 09:38

Just read your update 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 YAS!!!!! Know your worth!!

Now leave him, book a girls holiday (or solo trip) and enjoy 👏🏻🥰

Original poster
Madnessinblue · 03/07/2024 09:38

TheTartfulLodger · 03/07/2024 09:17

So when are you going to leave?

Show quote history

This week. Just need to get a few things in order first and will update here.

OP posts:
Sweetenuf · 03/07/2024 09:40

I’m ashamed to admit this isn’t the first time he has lied to me. But it will be the last. I’m going to LTB. I know deserve so much better.

That’s a terrible update, sorry to hear this but good job on the sleuthing and resolving to leave because there’s really no other option. Hope you manage to do that asap like now!

I can imagine they were bringing women back to their luxury pad to “impress” them. There doesn’t seem to be any other likely reason why a man would opt for this instead of a trip with his long term partner and also lie and be so deceptive about it.

He’s made his contempt and lack of love for you very clear. I think he’s doing that cowardly thing of treating a woman so badly in the hope that she’ll be the one who calls time on the relationship , instead of just admitting he has checked out and his attentions are elsewhere.

You’re right you do deserve much better. Personally at this stage, I wouldn’t even have a conversation about everything I’d discovered, to give him a chance to gaslight or deny it.

I’d just bluntly tell him it was over and wasn’t working any longer. What is there to discuss really?

Houseofpainjumparound · 03/07/2024 09:47

Not the update we wanted to see OP but glad it's given you clarity....

When my ex after 2 years started sleeping with a friend (after other episodes and holidays booked on the sly) I finally got out and booked a holiday to USA visiting 3 different places on my own and it was the best thing I ever did. Solo travel is underrated, I met up with some friends I knew in one place and the rest of the time enjoyed my space and finding myself and my own independence again.

Wishing you all the very best OP, you don't need him, you never have.

Apolloneuro · 03/07/2024 10:02

I love your last sentence @Houseofpainjumparound We rarely need someone. We might want them, but we can actually survive and thrive without them. Worth remembering OP

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 03/07/2024 10:20

Not the outcome we were all hoping for but glad you have clarity OP.
I love what you said about lessons learned; everyday is a lesson at the university of life ❤️ and these years aren’t wasted because you now know that you’re not going to put up with prick men. Good on you but sorry it’s happened x

Bookworm20 · 03/07/2024 10:33

Sorry to hear this op, it must be very hard at the moment for you, but at least you now won’t waste another 3 years on this useless spineless idiot.
get your things in order then just stop contacting or replying to him. Dent his pathetic ego by simply being indifferent.
That will bother him much more than an actual break up (where you may get emotional or tearful). He simply doesn’t care. But what he will care about is you simply not bothering with him. He won’t be able to fathom that one.

Mazpaz · 03/07/2024 10:39

Don’t waste your life on him
get rid and enjoy your life
he has no respect for you

pikkumyy77 · 03/07/2024 11:19

So sorry OP but this will probe to be a wonderful opportunity for you to recalibrate snd start again.

ironflan · 03/07/2024 12:11

Madnessinblue · 27/06/2024 22:46

It’s a male friend (apparently ) that he has known for many years through work and visited once or twice a year. I have never been invited or met the man.

Show quote history

I'd be very suspicious at this in all honesty. Like other posters have said. It does not sound like you are a priority and if he is making you feel like you aren't valued. Go find yourself someone that makes time for you without you having to feel like it's a big hassle.

sugarapplelane · 03/07/2024 12:14

Hope it works out for you. You deserve so much more.
As you don’t live together breaking it off with him should be easier than if you have assets etc. You just have to be strong.
He actually deserves a dumping by text

TheShellBeach · 03/07/2024 12:30

What an absolute cunt.

Well done on your decision to leave him, @Madnessinblue

Theeffingcleaner · 03/07/2024 14:23

IMHO if he has lied that blatantly to you about this trip no doubt there are more skeletons in his closet!

I have had a relationship where there were more lies than truth, I put effort in but got cheated on, lied to constantly, unfortunately I had a child with him, but last straw was when I caught him out so I ended things,
it was vey messy indeed, the girl he cheated on with me he ended up marrying, blamed me for all sorts, made me out as if it was all my fault, fed her lies and guess what 2 years down the line after having another child , she ended up divorced from him because he cheated on her, so then it dawned on her it wasn’t me all along!!
one thing to come out of this is at least you didn’t have a child with him and also didn’t live with him,plus have a relationship with his children as that would be very upsetting for them and to understand why you are no longer with their irresponsible, lying ass of a no good father.

you are worth way more than that and yes giving him a few years of your life devotion is nothing compared to if you would of had a child with him, you would of been stuck with him for rest of your life so think yourself lucky fact of you have managed to get out!! Good luck with finding a real man who will love you for you and not treat you like he has.

Clauz · 03/07/2024 15:16

Hi OP. Yesss you are worth so much more than his crumbs! What an absolute s* he turned out to be! Sorry to hear the update but hold your head high and your life is going to get better and better from here. As others have said cannot recommend solo travel enough and doing things you love and just making a great life for yourself! Good things will follow!

It will take time to get over this but you'll be so much better for it in the long run. Don't give him any airtime from here on. I've had a situation with some similarities in the past and despite the person not giving a crap about me, he also couldn't stand it when he no longer had my attention or any sort of hold over me anymore and tried his best to keep his claws in with manipulation and more lies.

With people like this, you never get the truth or a reason why. You just have to take them for what they have shown you they are, and then run as far as you can in the opposite direction. I don't think ghosting would be unreasonable in this case and would never normally suggest that. Wishing you all the best!

WoolySnail · 03/07/2024 16:26

Know your worth and then add tax; well done OP!
I think, that awful as it was he forgot your birthday and then didn't try to make it up to you, it was the best thing to happen because you know exactly where you stand and it's given you the drive to end things.
Here's to you and your wonderful new future ✨️ ❤️ x

Bigcat25 · 03/07/2024 17:51

Wow op, he sounds like a sociopath. Sorry you have to deal with this.

MLP2020 · 03/07/2024 19:24

I’m sorry OP, it’s tough but I truly think you deserve better. Good luck for the future 💐

Vonesk · 05/07/2024 02:57

Its called Gaslighting.

Vonesk · 05/07/2024 02:57

Its called Gaslighting.

Angrywife · 06/07/2024 15:53

Wow, what a dick
Can you go on a flash holiday with a mate, post lots of lovely photos of you having a fab time, then block him after a few days and totally ghost him as a parting gift?

ohnoi · 08/07/2024 22:01

he sounds just like my ex OP