Boyfriend not coming back from holiday

[Madnessinblue]

Boyfriend had gone on a business trip and extended by a few days to spend time with his friend. He won’t tell me when he’s coming back as he is undecided and says he just needs a break. It started with one extra night to now on day 3.

Now normally this would be understandable. However he has hardly been spending any time with me over the past few months as he has been so busy with work and life.

I asked a few months ago if he would take a holiday with me (it’s next week as I have time off work) and he said he could not spare the time off of his work and that he also could not afford to do it. He does however seem to have the money to fund a trip with his friend and lavish fine dining meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner plus super expensive bars for a few extra days at a luxury destination.

AIBU?

"He’s lecturing me about trust and that my lack of it is destroying our relationship. The guy lies about being in the shower, how can I trust the big things?"

Sounds like he's jumping in with some pre-emptive attacks so he doesn't have to answer your reasonable questions (a DARVO manoeuvre). Either he's got something to hide, or he's so emotionally checked out he cannot see why you'd be (understandably) miffed that he's turned down a holiday with you but has then extended a business trip to hang out with a friend.

I agree that you need to pull right back.

OP you deserve so much better but while you let this man waste your time you won’t meet someone better .

Get organising a night out with your friends for your birthday and think carefully about losing this BF

Sounds like the guy I wasted 5 years of my life on
end it and put yourself first

Sounds like he has too much on his plate with work, children, he's put you on the back burner because after three years you're a nice habit.

Sorry but I can't see this going anywhere. Get on with your own life. You're a friend with benefits now.

I don’t think he’s into you anymore.?

Sounds like he could very well be with someone else on this trip as well
I was so naive as I wanted my relationship to work so badly I turned a blind eye to obvious things
If he won't be direct and end it himself I suggest you do or you'll waste your life and be destroyed by this sort of nonsense

I think it’s done too babe.

He is definitely lying and regardless of why (though I think we are all filling in the blanks about why men tend to lie about things like this).

Don’t demean yourself by checking up on him, you’re worth more than that. Keep your dignity and give him the 🥾

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

Lied about the cost of flights, lied about the shower,your getting the 'feeling' he's avoiding you. How much more evidence do you need OP. It appears he keeps you dangling so he has someone there to neet his needs when desired. I'm usually all for trying to make relationships work. On this occasion I'd be running for the hills.

It’s not working out for you. This is how relationships end. Just tell him it’s over

This relationship has run its course. Tell him you met someone else and you are dumping him.

OP trust your gut.

I stayed with a guy for 18 months after the point where he had emotionally checked out of the relationship. I couldn't see it at all at the time. I loved him, but I also loved the idea of him and where our life was going. That was probably the bit that prevented me from seeing how things truly were.

Don't break up by text. The advice an earlier poster gave was good. Don't send another text. Book yourself something lovely for next week - go visit a friend somewhere or spend your money on a couple of days at a spa resort. After you get back you can have a face to face conversation, somewhere neutral like a coffee shop or pub, bearing in mind that it is 90% certain that the relationship will go no further. He should hear your very valid concerns face to face, even if he ends up being defensive. That sort of stuff percolates in people's heads and you'll feel better that he at least knows.

There's also a certain power in doing the breaking up, rather than being the recipient. It doesn't really matter that they've backed you into that position, there is a definite confidence you'll feel.

I don’t suppose you can clear out your bank accounts - your half plus whatever he’s spent on his “work trip”, take your name off any mutual bills and the lease/mortgage, and clear all your stuff out? That would be a lovely birthday present for you. Take your pride and run with it. He can have his sleazy little cesspit.

Cut your losses, mate. Whatever the circumstances, you aren't a priority to him.

At least the break up talk should be easy - ‘sorry but you appear to have no time or energy to invest in this relationship and I have no time or inclination to be messed around and left hanging. Bye, have a nice life.’

They don't live together so I doubt they have shared bank accounts.

I expect there is someone else on the horizon or already on the side - sorry but he is a coward and doest know how to end the relationship - but is keeping you on the back burner.

tbh I'd ghost him in this situation, he doesn't deserve any respect from you and I feel if you straight up end the relationship its a nice get out for him.

Oh so it's your fault if the relationship is rocky, is it? 🙄 Your fault for not trusting him. ffs.
I can only echo what other's have said, sadly you're not a priority for him. And if he's now trying to hoik the blame on to you for the relationship breaking down I'd suggest you get in there first, save your dignity and dump him. Rip the plaster off, quick and move on.

I think it’s done

I agree OP💐Something just doesn't add up when you compare what he says to you, to his actual actions.

The classic reverse from a guilty man.... Saying it's you with the problem for not trusting him yet he's lied about the price of a plane ticket which is a much easier lie to prove than whether he was in the shower or not!
I'm not one to jump in with the ltb but as previous posters have already said, give him the shock to his ego and get rid! He's taking it for granted you'll be there no matter what he gets up to and it sounds like he's getting up to all sorts behind your back. Sorry op x

After a divorce, there are gap relationships which fill a void. They're never meant to be till death us do part. It's just a stage in the healing process. I'd never have considered seriously a relationship like this.

Sounds like your BF has a new female friend and your relationship has expired but he's gaslighting you while he does the "transition", you seem to keep clinging to it with the hopes. What a jerk.

He's blatantly shagging someone else on this trip so how dare he lecture you about trust, what a bellend..only way to get your own back is tell him he's dumped it's over and get back out there yourself, don't pine for this absolute douche canoe

Be brave,stop letting him keeping you on the hook so to speak;he's clearly not worthy of you,no woman deserves to be Miss okay for now when I can be bothered or I fancy some sex.

End it;take some time for myself;consider what makes a decent partner and cast your net again.

Would you be prepared to book somewhere for yourself that YOU would enjoy doing alone rather than beastie the time off you have? Then you can suit yourself where you go, where you stay and do to your heart's content without having to take someone else's wants/needs into account. This would also give you time and space to decide what you're actually getting from this relationship and what you want to do next. If you decided you wanted more than he offers, at least you'd not need to worry about moving out/getting him to move out as you each have your own homes. 🌹