To let Dd skive off tomorrow because of sports day?

[Cadela]

Honestly, the way the school organises it is horrendous. It’s FOURTEEN different ‘sports’ that you have five minutes at, and the kids have to perform in front of their peers so it’s already stressful. Plus there is no races, no medals, no winning!

Last year Dd was crying the whole way round because she was so worried about looking silly in front of the year 6s. She’s 7.

Usually I am very much of the let’s crack on and show ourselves we can do it! Mindset, but honestly Dd has been crying about this every bedtime and I just don’t want to force her to do it.

I'd keep her home. I adore sports, played everything as kid. Played for a girls football team too. But I hated sports day. I remember very clearly being forced to do the dressing up race and crying the whole time doing it.
It's not something essential imo. So long as she's active in other ways, this can be skipped.

I've got a non sporty ds (martial arts and walking up mountains are his thing) who, he admitted recently, never does pe cos he 'forgets ' his kit. School hasn't informed me of this, so clearly they're not arsed either.

He wants to keep his 100 attendance, but he shay hates sports day, so is angling for the day off. I'm very much of the 'you're going into school, even if your leg's hanging off. If it falls off they'll call me' category, but it's actually made me think. As far as he's concerned it's a waste of a day. He's shit at everything and hates all the sitting round having to talk shit to other kids. They're not allowed phones. He'd rather be in lessons. If they could stick him in the library all day, he'd be happy.

This.

There are so many parenting styles on this forum. Many make me cross, but my style probably makes others cross.

OP, don't take those comments to heart. You can only do what you think is right for you and your DD.

My mum let me skive off various sporting events throughout secondary school and I absolutely loved her for it. It really sticks in my memory 20 years later how she went above and beyond, even taking holiday off work, to prevent me from unnecessary anxiety. One time she sent me in with my arm in a sling for a week leading up to high jump in PE. Absolutely keep her off.

That if she is scared and worried I won’t force her to put herself in a position that makes her uncomfortable when I, as an adult, can sort it very quickly.

I worry this will not help her resilience later in life. Why was she crying all the way round sports day last year? That’s unusual. I HATED sports day but I didn’t cry all the way round. Do you think she was hoping you’d step in and get her out if it?

Your mum sounds completely fab! I aspire to be her.

All very good and well if that is how it plays out in reality but it may well leave her with life long memories of feeling really anxious and put her off sports all together all for the sake of building ‘resilience’.

Also it annoys me when people say "oh well it's for the kids who are sporty and not academic". OK but it's not one or the other - plenty of kids are neither sporty nor very clever. It can just have the effect of making them feel shit, and for what purpose?

The problem with your plan is you are telling her it something horrible to be avoided by facilitating her avoiding it.

It also subconscious tells her you think she can't hack it. Which is how confidence building opportunities get missed. Have you given the school a chance to negate her fears? What's the plan next year or the next thing that she doesn't want to do.

I would engage the school to support her and then compliment her on doing her best to get through the day, building her resilience.

Let the school know the reasons and keep her at home for the day. Perhaps look up about some great athletes that are women and let the school know you followed the sports theme on that day.

I'm sure you're a loving mum doing your best.

I still hold the opinion that you've got it wrong this time. We all get it wrong from time to time. There are no perfect parents. If you want to give her the day off, go ahead. All I was saying is that my approach would have been different.

I'm not sure why you've said you're a single parent. That isn't me omhaving a dig but if it's to add context that that's why you want to make everything ebetter for her, I can understand that. I just think sometimes we have to help them learn hard lessons, like speaking up to a teacher if the teacher is the right person to fix the problem, even when it's hard for them.

I will point out though that you asked

AIBU, I offered a different viewpoint to keeping her off and I got comments from you like "that's literally being a parent" (inferring my approach wasn't)

"Of course ill fix my daughters problems... Clearly we have different parenting styles". Insinuating I don't give a shit. Fine. But maybe think about how those comments feel before you come back to my post saying "it's so painful". You gave no thought to your comments to me, unless you meant them to come across as they did?

Everyone going on about resilience - sports day is only one of many ways to build resilience. Knowing you have a parent/family who know when/how to encourage and also when/how not to push is also important.
@Cadela go with your gut.

I let my DD cry off sports day.
she is a highly successful competitive dancer but absolutely loathes sports days. She hates running and can’t thrown a shot put to save her life. Sitting around endlessly in the burning sun (Australia) to be told by other kids she’s rubbish at sport when she is easily the most athletic of them all. She gets all of the ‘benefits’ of a sports day from her extra curricular.
if your DD hates it that much and this isn’t her first rodeo, ie you have made her go for a couple of years, there is no sense in making her do it, but be prepared you may then have to follow suit every year thereafter!

I wouldn't go as far as your lovely mum, but agree that knowing someone really has your back is a wonderful thing!

I hated sports days when i went to school my mother made me do it every year i still hate it.
My own children only done about 7 sports days in all their schooling.
They just hated it they could not stand it.

Personally I would not let my child stay at home, if she is really upset I would arrive early tomorrow and talk to the teacher and ask if she can sit some of the activities out if necessary but join in others. It may be that her fears will subside when she is actually there and that she finds at least some of it fun. 14 'sports' sounds like the odd bit of running but also a lot of activities that are not dependant on being 'sporty' and are not serious. (I remember watching my son throwing a foam javelin and the children just laughing at all the ones - their own ones - that went in the wrong direction). By the time they have done one or two I guarantee no one will be watching because they'll all be chatting to their friends in the queue while waiting their turn. There might be a relay or some longer races but she could stand those out.

Kids who hate maths don't get bullied by their peers. Kids that hate sports do get bullied by their peers, and sometimes by their teachers too.

For some children sports day is a little piece of hell that is dropped into their life once a year.
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Exactly this.

Noone who struggled with maths or spelling has to perform their struggles in front of parents.

I have just found out that the reason I struggled with sport at school was because of a lifelong genetic condition. Making me do sport in front of an audience was like making a dyslexic do a spelling bee.

The parents at my daughter's school literally scream and yell during the races. I don't make her go. She's probably one of the sportiest kids in the school and she regular does dance shows and climbing competitions but she hates the heat and screaming parents.

Plus her school rewards the winning team with an afternoon off lessons on bouncy castles etc on the field while all the rest have to keep learning (even though the judging is most definitely not scientific)

I was a teacher, and I hated the whole atmosphere - and quite often the heat and noise of sports day as well. However, I realised that it was probably the one day on which the non-academic sporty children got to shine, and that it was good for them. It was still dreadfully boring, but it seemed fair.

I have not seen that and especially not at age 7. I have been in classroom where children are asked to read aloud in turn from a class book and there are some that whizz through it and others that struggle with nearly every word. They probably feel self conscious of that too.

I used to keep mine off. It was a miserable day for them, and they didn't benefit in any way - ever - in their whole school life.

I can't say they've regretted not going or suffered in any way from missing it.

Removing a problem and solving a problem are two different things. Guiding a child to successfully overcome a problem is good parenting. Making the hard things go away without helping them deal with a similar problem differently in the future isn’t.

Agree! And putting your kid through something they find truly upsetting can sometimes be counter-productive.

I'm puzzled that your daughter finds this type of sports day so difficult. For my non-sporty children it was a godsend, because it was non-competitive and no-one comes last. Why do you think it would better if there were races and medals and winning, if your child is never going to win?

The other reason this sort of sports day was good for my children was that the games were quite fun - no-one cared if another child might look silly, in some of them the games themselves were quite silly. Is it possible to suggest to the teacher that they have a trial run beforehand so that she can see it's not as terrible as she's built it up to be in her head?

I can see you don't want to put your child through this if she's really hysterical about it, but in your shoes I would be really worried that my normally calm and sensible child is so worked up about something that objectively really is no big deal. Why is she so obsessive about not looking silly in front of others? By the age of 7 she should at least be beginning to work out that that really isn't so terrible, it happens to everyone, and very often people are laughing with you, not at you. I would be particularly worried that if she runs away from this it will just continue to build itself up into a big bogey man in her head and she won't cope if or when she's in a situation where she cannot escape it.