To let Dd skive off tomorrow because of sports day?

[Cadela]

Honestly, the way the school organises it is horrendous. It’s FOURTEEN different ‘sports’ that you have five minutes at, and the kids have to perform in front of their peers so it’s already stressful. Plus there is no races, no medals, no winning!

Last year Dd was crying the whole way round because she was so worried about looking silly in front of the year 6s. She’s 7.

Usually I am very much of the let’s crack on and show ourselves we can do it! Mindset, but honestly Dd has been crying about this every bedtime and I just don’t want to force her to do it.

I've voted yanbu because I was this child when I was younger! But I also think try and encourage her to push on through, as it's these tricky situations that often shape us as a person! Bless her though ❤

Indeed. There's more to life than ghastly sports - not everyone is good at it, or wants to be. The non competitive gene in sports has run through three generations in our family now - me and my husband (who experienced the worst due to his public school), my daughter and despite huge encouragement my little grandson. And as for those bullying PE teachers - they're responsible for putting kids off sports for life. Keep her off and let her relax and enjoy her day. You're doing absolutely the right thing.

Eh. We stopped going three years ago. No regrets. She participates in PE and doesn't feel the need to humiliate herself running around a field. I support this and I am happy to facilitate her not going. I would not run around a field, she can make the same choice.

You sound like my mum, and your dd like me
She let me stay off sports day and I am still thankful she did. Much better childhood experience to look back and know she wasn't an arse and made me do something that would have caused me extreme distress. Some of us don't have the same confidence as others to compete in front of others I don't think there's anything wrong with that

Life's too short let your DD have the day off and take her somewhere nice.
She'll remember that forever rather than the time you forced her to take part in something she absolutely did not want to do.

Personally I wouldn’t because I think it’s good to face things we don’t want to do and know that we’ll get through them and then they’re done. I wouldn’t want to give the message that it’s ok to just not do things we don’t want to do.
I would also try to understand why she’s so worried about looking silly in front of year 6s - surely most year 6s are either nice or literally couldn’t care less about 7 year olds?

Yup. Have a lovely duvet day. Sport isn’t something you should be forced to do for a whole sodding day.

Keeping her off doesn’t solve the problem, it just puts it off for another year. You do need to address this with the school whatever you do, and sign DD up for a sports/swimming/dance class of her choice.

You can be your child’s safe space without solving all their problems for them. Solving all their problems for them is not actually great parenting. A family member used to teach and they said it wasn’t helicopter parenting anymore, it was black hawk strike force 1 parenting- where the parents abseil down in front of their child and clear the area with a flame thrower, she thought it was blindingly obvious this doesn’t do the child any favours. They have to work at maths, they have to have a go at sport. My 6yo child finished the sprint 10 metres early this year so all the others passed him while he stood there wondering what had happened. I’ll go next year and point out where the winning post is to him and tell him to keep going all the way. But he will be running it again, there will be no opting to stay home because he doesn’t want to.

Not only this, you get through it. I think I came last in every sprint I ever ran. I still had to go and it was good for me to have got through that. It’s ok to come last at something. I hated swimming, hated the start gun and diving into water to start the race. But I’m more resilient for knowing I could do it and did. I want that for my children.

At 7, isn't sports day really just a bunch of round robin 'games' designed to be fun rather than competitive?

I totally understand where you're coming from on this op. My dd is the same age and, although seemed fine (even excited) in the run up to sports day, I knew she'd have problems getting into school on the day itself. She's nd and she went into blind panic when we got there, complained of a 'bad tummy ache' (which we know is anxiety), refused to go into her classroom and just wouldn't move, stayed glued to the ground. But because I knew this would likely happen, I had worked out a plan b.

In the end, I said I'd speak to the school and let them know she was there, but that she could sit with me, no pressure, and watch and cheer on her classmates. Then, if she decided she wanted to join in with anything, she could do, but she was in control. Taking that pressure off really worked. Her relief was immense, her tummy ache began to improve and when she saw how the others were having fun, she even decided to join in a couple of activities and was so proud of herself. I was her safety net, which is exactly as it should be. The school were totally supportive of the approach, too, which really helped.

Could you take a similar approach? Often, when there's no pressure, children see that it's not as bad as they feared which does help them become more resilient.

If this isn't an option for you, then absolutely keep her home. 7 is still young, you can work on building her resilience in relation to performance anxiety more slowly over the coming years. But it does sound like something she may need some extra support with. Is she also a perfectionist?

I would keep her home.

Sports day is another level through. I disagree it teaches them they can avoid things they don’t like. Mine don’t love maths and science but they plod on and do them. There’s lots in childhood they don’t like but just get on with on a day to day level.

Sports day for the self conscious non sporty child is next level hell. Coming very publicly last in front of a crowd. Also it’s supposed to be fun! So if it’s not fun - don’t do it.

I’m kind of on the fence.On the one hand, it is important to learn to face up to challenges and we do grow from that.

On the other hand, Life presents lots of opportunities for this and when it is an ultimately rather pointless challenge and if it is bothering her disproportionately, I think sometimes knowing you have parents who will from time to time step in to solve problems for you is part of the security of being a child. I think without that sort of intervention on occasion they grow up with a different kind of deficiency, that of the absence of security of being taken seriously when distressed and a sense of not being heard. I know several adults who have the “ what’s the point in seeking help, you just crack on” mindset and never reach out to other humans . Learning to reach out and discovering people do want to help ease your pain and distress is also an important ingredient in growing up. Feeling loved and having a sense of security or “ windbreak” behind us in this world is an important feature in emotional development.

I agree with this. It’s a “supported” approach towards fostering resilience - not the “throw them in the cold, deep end and watch them swim ( or maybe sink)” approach and I think in the end it builds a deeper, more resonant type of resilience.

Completely agree with this. At 7, this is absolutely crucial. My dd was so appreciative of me not forcing her to do it, while supporting her to overcome her fears. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, an adaptive approach works with anxiety.

Yup.

I was an anxious child and I used to dread sports day with a passion. I’d have loved it if my mum had supported me and let me stay at home instead of suffering through it. I certainly didn’t get anything out of it or learn any life lesson from going through a yearly ritual humiliation, for all the people suggesting that your daughter might 🙄

Keep her home.

I'm 52 and still remember the humiliation of sports day when I was 14 and the head of year shouted at me over the PA system in front of the whole school (cohort of 1,300) to try running. I was running as fast as I could!

And another way of looking at it is that successful adults tend to shape their life to incorporate the things they are good at, not to publicly persevere in roles they are shite at. Learning to pick the right path and pick your challenges wisely ( or only face the ones you have to) is a skill successful adults embrace in reality, despite much rhetoric around taking on anything and everything and sculpting their cvs with ( carefully selected!) challenges. Pick your battles and beyond that fight the unavoidable ones.

I think there’s something precious about a child being listened to too. Particularly if you are usually a firm “do the right thing” mum who usually makes the child do the stuff they don’t like but then on a rare occasion when it means a lot to the child you listen to them and go with their view. I think it’s unkind to paint those parents as always over indulgent helicopter types.

She has a year to do that though.

We all have to do things we don’t like, but not necessarily in a public setting in front of our peers. This is more comparable to forcing a student who was bad at maths to take an exam in front of the whole school, with his performance visible for all to see.

Unbelievable.

I’m not surprised you still remember. Though of course you know who really made an utter idiot of themselves.

I think you should buy yourself a bottle of something delicious, sit yourself comfortably down, put your feet firmly up and toast yourself to “not running cos I’m just not feeling it!”

… with the rest of the school and parents all shouting “ multiply faster! Come on!!”