To think this was really inappropriate from a doctor

[urghmen]

Today I had to visit a consultant gynaecologist for an initial appointment about possibly needing a prolapse procedure. I asked him if an operation would help. He tried to put me off and refer me to physio but then at the end of this he then said "although it does make your vagina tighter" and kind of gave a little shrug and smiled. Am I unreasonable to have felt really embarrassed and uncomfortable with this comment. This came after an examination as well so to be honest I felt a bit violated. Just want to get opinions before I decide whether to make a complaint or not.

She didn't say he smirked!! He gave a little shrug and smiled. If I was telling a male patient that a certain procedure might increase the length of his penis (or something similar), I'd probably give a little shrug and smile. Perfectly natural thing to do. We're all humans, not robots.

I think he was just telling you. In my experience, no nuance or disrespect intended.
I understand that your childhood experiences must have made you very cautious about intimate examinations.
Perhaps try for a female consultant in future?

I think you are seeing more into it than there actually was as you were in a vulnerable position so would take it personal , the operation does make you tighter , beware you don’t ruin someone’s career to me it sounds like a normal conversation as some consultants are very aggressive in the way they talk , you could ruin his reputation be very careful

She’s not just a body though, she’s a person and should be treated as such.

The ‘tightness’ may be a problem actually not a ‘benefit’ (it could cause problems having sex including pain - the physio if they are specialist may be the best to advise on this).

It’s hard to read how it was said, but I would consider complaining and you can choose to disclose or not the background context.

Unfortunately agree could be part of patriarchal perspective, especially if the implication this was a positive (for who?) yet it itself can be problematic.

I don't think you're in the wrong. It can be really hard to read the way these things are said whether with your history or not. It's perfectly reasonable for you to sanity check.

I said this a mile up this thread, I had the op which was great, prolapse gone but the tightness was a real problem, my Dh and I are a bit older and the tightness was really difficult for him if you know what I mean, even before that there was a bit of ED that required a bit of help. It did get better, a bit.

Don't really know how to answer this, needs a bit more context to know if he was being creepy.Given his speciality and your reason for visiting and him being a he, it was likely to become uncomfortable. If it helps, I went for a prostate exam a couple years ago, at precisely the wrong moment Beyonce's 'Put a ring on it' started and I couldn't help but hum along, the GP lost it completely and it became a lot less humiliating for me because I felt I had regained some dignity and control. But that's just me...

Yes mine scared the living daylights out of me by telling me what will happen if he takes my uterus out. 😂So I'll stick with the posterior repair for now, then maybe the anterior THEN the uterus. Frankly I think I'll be dragging my small bowel around with me in a handbag by that point.

That said he is super lovely, gentle, understanding, compassionate, and treated me wonderfully. This is private.

Previous private consultant who was a friend of a friend was fecking awful. He is a well respected doctor amongst his colleagues but I felt his bedside manner was dreadful.

Also to the PP above who said anyone who gives birth wants a tighter vagina. I had literally NEVER thought about it. No one ever mentioned kegels. No one told me that two big babies plus forceps could mean a prolapse. Plus menopause.

I just carried on having sex and didn't notice the difference until I started weeing when I ran which was when youngest was 12. Perhaps women get more info now. It definitely wasn't covered at NCT in 2008.

Three big babies, forceps, menopause. I found estriol cream reduced the leaking that all the kegels in the world can't fix.

I'm shocked they're still meshing women though.

I'm so sorry to hear of your traumatic past experiences. The doctor was a gynaecologist, so was always always going to talk about your vagina etc. I tend to take a female chaperone (usually my sister) with me for anything like this. My witness helps me judge what's my sensitivity and what's inappropriate. Remember either or both is possible. I.e. just because some of us are sensitive doesn't mean they're not being inappropriate. 💐

I had 3 experiences of varying severity, like this, from different doctors when I was a young woman. I did nothing and it still bothers me now. Report him!

Same here 😂

I think you're taking needless offense.

There is absolutely no evidence at all that a circumcised man will have a ‘harder penis’ as a result of the surgery. Affect on sexual function generally is unclear in studies, with some suggesting positive benefits (not including a ‘harder penis!) and others finding a negative impact. Some men might have better erections due to improved confidence, but this is probably psychological rather than physiological.
This is clearly not comparable to a prolapse surgery when (depending a little on the procedure) the vagina being tighter than before is common, due to the repair being done. This is either as a direct result of the repair, or sometimes due to scar tissue post surgery.
A man would not generally be told that he would have a ‘harder penis’ post circ, as medically this is unlikely to occur.
A women would (and should) be told that she may well experience vaginal tightening post a prolapse repair, as physiologically this is likely.
Its quite simple really.

Sorry to hear, glad things have improved somewhat. I may have seen your post, I know I’m not to the 1st to mention pain.

A gynaecologist should be able to discuss this in a professional manner and it was said flippantly and in a way that was open to interpretation (at best).

I’m glad OP had someone with them and they can perhaps share their experience of this interaction with PALS as well, or even perhaps even on behalf of OP (depending on how OP feels about it now).

I saw an NHS gynaecologist recently who thankfully was extremely thoughtful with communication, but had some bad experiences as well with patriarchal overtones - one recently decided I must be depressed, even though I had said I wasn’t. GP, who didn’t meet me 10 minutes ago unimpressed by that too and luckily supportive.

Grow up, god everyone is embarrassed and offended these days. Doctors are human beings with families etc but you go right ahead and try to wreak his career because you’re insecure! He was simply stating a fact, don’t you know you’re supposed to be told the downsides and benefits of all procedures these days ?

Unsolicited advice - so welcome to ignore, but it’s changed my life so much I’m telling everyone it might help.

Give the physio a go.

Pelvic Floor physio is so much more ‘do your squeezes’. It takes time, persistence on your part and obviously need a specialist physio but zero risk of side effects/complications and turned my life around without going anywhere near surgery.

It’s not going to wreck his career, at best hopefully he will get sent on an update, or at least have the opportunity to reflect and consider how his communication might be received

@urghmen op do not be gaslit into thinking this is ok. It’s not. Your instinct is correct.

Surely he was just given you the options and the pros to having a operation. Just like he was given you another option with the physio. The shrug wasn't smarmy , more" these are the options"
You were probably feeling a bit embarrassed being examined but honestly they have definitely seen it all before. If you are not happy going back to see him ask for a second opinion with a female gynae consultant.

Thank you so much for all of the comments. I really appreciate people taking the time to give their opinion. I do really appreciate different views and I made it clear in one of my posts that I have obviously misinterpreted it and I won't do anything about it other than take it on board as a learning experience and something I need to work on in myself.

However I will now be leaving this thread and asking for it to be removed. Most people have been very open in their comments but also considerate. There are people such as @Lyraloo that just want to judge and be nasty and I fear that is why most people don't ask for advice etc anymore as people can be cruel when sat behind a keyboard.

Again thank you for all of the opinions I really do appreciate all the people who gave advice and polite views.

How was he meant to tell you the side effect.
Perhaps you get a female doctor if you are embarrassed 🙈

@usbrit Please read all op before commenting.

As part of a factual discussion listed among all of the possible impacts and outcomes. Not as a last minute aside with a smirk. I doubt the OP had much of a choice of their doctor either, although your sweet little suggestion with a cute emoji is surely super helpful to her.