To feel down that we have no one

[Echo21]

My DH and I are without extended family nearby. I have no blood relatives other than our DD and we are both in our early 30s. His family resides on the other side of the world, and due to language barriers and distance, they are not involved in our lives. This isn't about needing help with childcare or wanting a break (even though childcare costs around 2250 a month in our area), because I know we consciously chose to have children. However, I can't help but feel a sense of sadness because our daughter doesn't have anyone else who truly cares about her besides us.

Initially, some friends visited us after DD was born, but that quickly tapered off. There have been no gifts or cards for her, and the same lack of recognition extends to us—there were few congratulations or ongoing support.

Looking ahead, it saddens me that DD will not have extended family gatherings or extended holiday traditions unless she gains a sibling. While we do have friends, the connection doesn't feel the same. Sometimes I myself, long to have someone to confide in, seek advice from, or share in my accomplishments, or just pop round to and feel like we have a "place" to be other than home. I've gone through every milestone in my life—my wedding, graduation, new jobs—without anyone who saw me grow up celebrating with me, reminiscing childhood, and now I see the same pattern for DD. I never want her to experience this loneliness.

I understand that family can't be conjured up, and friendships, no matter how long-standing, can't always replace the bond of blood relations. And if they do, they can it takes years to build up to that level. For a long time, I've settled for superficial friendships, lacking in quality and depth, and as soon as children come into the picture they're too busy with their own extended family. Meet-ups happen months in advance, as their calendars are full with "x's 60th, their nieces baptism, y's family gathering"

I've hit rock bottom with no one to put down as an emergency contact. All I want is someone to give me a hug, make me a brew, tell me I'll be alright, and say they're proud of me, even if it's just over the phone. Since I turned 18, I've had to tough it out alone, and while I'm grateful for my DH it's tough. Sure, I can make friends and build a support network, but what I really need is someone I can dial up at a moment's notice. AIBU or do I need to put my big girl pants on?

It's hard in this modern world, but connection doesn't build itself. I would look to see what's available in your area that appeals and find a new "family" - a family friendly church would be a good place to start if that feels like something you would want.

There's nothing you can do about the lack of extended family. However, if you have more children yourself then your DD will have lots of siblings who care about her and you'll have more family who care about you. Make your own large family.

Can you make more effort with DH’s family - visits every few years, regular video calls, learn the language yourself and teach it to DD? Are there other people from the same country as DH in your area, or are you religious of any type? Community or religious groups might provide some of this in terms of traditions, holidays, someone to turn to etc.

I'm single - admittedly by choice - and friends vanished for various reasons, so I have no emergency contact.

I can cope with the loneliness but no emergency contact really bugs me.

I can only say that you are likely to make friends via DC? I hope so. Society definitely seems to have become more insular and I think most people wouldn't want to be an emergency contact apart from family - which I don't really have.

It is hard. I sympathise. I never thought I'd be 48 and friendless.

But when I meet people I do tend to write off ones with kids because IME they are not willing or able to maintain friendships.

AFAICS this is a common situation now.

I'm sorry to hear that op. I think that must be really tough. I don't think making friendships which are so close they're like family is as easy as everyone says it is. Are you religious at all? Sometimes being part of a religious community can give you that feeling of belonging.

This is why communities are so important. A lot of people belong to religious communities for that benefit more than a religious conviction (although of course many have both). As we live more of our lives online (she said on Mumsnet, I know) the real life connections get neglected but they really are so important. You can also get communities from hobby groups (am dram, community orchestras, PTA/school, volunteering, craft groups etc).

Can you develop friendships with your daughter's friends' parents? We are also without any family nearby and my husband works away a lot, but we've got close to parents of the kids' friends and we truly can count on them, and they on us. They've done emergency childcare for us and we've done it for them. It does require an effort but connections are important even for shy and introverted people. As a society it feels like we have never had more connections across the world and yet loneliness might be worse than ever.

How about asking someone to be a God parent? Idk if that fits in with your culture or not, but is one way round it that I found. Mine are grown up now, but still in regular contact with Godparents. I have four friends in all I have invited to be Godparents. One has been a substitute uncle in all ways, including being the link to substitute cousins and a substitute aunty. The other three, not so much, but not nothing ,either

I’m so sorry for your situation, I feel very sad reading your post. You don’t say what led you to being alone since you were 18, but it can’t have been anything good… is there a chance that in spite of wanting to be close to people, you’re actually keeping them at arms length because of the pain of other losses?

I disagree with your stance, my family are a joke and live close by and I see none of them ever. My friends are my family, in fact they are better than! Life is what u make it. Blood does not always run thicker.

You could get yourselves and the children involved in Scouts or similar to get to know other families and make family friends over time.

I always wonder when people say this, where they find these people! I have friends and whilst I see them, I find they are invariably busy with their own families much of the time. As op said, someone's 60th, someone's wedding, someone's BBQ, someone's christening.

OP you need to find yourself a friend who also has no family, even better if they have DC who can be friends for your dc. Then on family occasions like Xmas you could share time together.

It’s tough OP! You need to try and build a network around you.

My babysitter has just moved away to be nearer their family and it’s a bit of a catastrophe for me. They were the only person I knew / trusted to look after my child. So, at least for the short term, no evenings out.

See if you can find any local WhatsApp groups / fb groups for parents. This how I aim to find a new babysitter (another local parents nanny or similar).

I endured narcissistic abuse from my parents, who had me when they were around 40 and 50 years old as an only so I am the last in my bloodline and come from a much older family. I have no cousins, aunts, or uncles, and two of my grandparents passed away before I turned 5; I never knew the other two as they died before my birth. This is why I experienced life milestones such as my graduation and wedding ceremonies without any family by my side as I didn't have any other extended family

Sad to read this OP. If DHs family are over the other side of the world, why can't he help Skype with them etc?

I moved away from my hometown when my children were very little, and I have very little family involvement and didn't know anyone. It was so hard. And very isolating.

School was a big part of getting to know people and baby/toddler groups too. You'll be surprised with how many people can be in similar situations!

I really appreciate your thoughts on this; it's weighing heavily on my mind. Being a mother has been incredibly tough at times, but it's also given me a profound sense of purpose and the chance to love someone who is my own flesh and blood—a gift I never had growing up. The idea of having a larger family has tugged at my heartstrings, but the daunting cost of childcare holds me back. At this stage in my thirties, waiting 4 years until each of them go to school between children isn't as straightforward as it once might have been. I think one of us will scale back our careers so our child can have siblings if god willing my fertility allows it.

It's not up to anyone to tell you how many children to have and I understand the difficulties of it...but if you did have several children, once you're an older lady you could end up with quite a lot of in laws and grandchildren and a much fuller group of relatives.

Having said that as families shrink in size I think there will be many more people in this situation.

@Echo21 I hope you find your tribe.

@tamaribest AFAICS = as far as I can see

I can see you're here to spread hurt, but as an explanation that might benefit others, I moved to be near my elderly mother, so I do have two friends who would be emergency contacts but they're too far away now.

Re the friends with children, I had a lot of friends up till lockdown but at that point, the ones with children seemed to vanish.

I appreciate there might be more to it and I'm not judging.

I just feel I spent a lot of time and effort when friends had children and then they forgot about me. So I'm wary. Once bitten and all that.

Plus I didn't enjoy sitting in Costa with the kids.

In terms of modern society, if you look at MN you will see tons of posts across all age groups of people feeling this way.

I actually meant to write an update (on Mental Health as they know me there) because I've been out meeting people with interesting results.

I can see how a couple might also have no "in case of emergency" friends between them.

I think you're over estimating how much family would be involved if they were here.

Aunties and uncles are really not that super involved and have lives of their own. She'd maybe see them a few times a year?

She has 2 parents, my dad wasn't even around for my childhood.