To feel down that we have no one

[Echo21]

My DH and I are without extended family nearby. I have no blood relatives other than our DD and we are both in our early 30s. His family resides on the other side of the world, and due to language barriers and distance, they are not involved in our lives. This isn't about needing help with childcare or wanting a break (even though childcare costs around 2250 a month in our area), because I know we consciously chose to have children. However, I can't help but feel a sense of sadness because our daughter doesn't have anyone else who truly cares about her besides us.

Initially, some friends visited us after DD was born, but that quickly tapered off. There have been no gifts or cards for her, and the same lack of recognition extends to us—there were few congratulations or ongoing support.

Looking ahead, it saddens me that DD will not have extended family gatherings or extended holiday traditions unless she gains a sibling. While we do have friends, the connection doesn't feel the same. Sometimes I myself, long to have someone to confide in, seek advice from, or share in my accomplishments, or just pop round to and feel like we have a "place" to be other than home. I've gone through every milestone in my life—my wedding, graduation, new jobs—without anyone who saw me grow up celebrating with me, reminiscing childhood, and now I see the same pattern for DD. I never want her to experience this loneliness.

I understand that family can't be conjured up, and friendships, no matter how long-standing, can't always replace the bond of blood relations. And if they do, they can it takes years to build up to that level. For a long time, I've settled for superficial friendships, lacking in quality and depth, and as soon as children come into the picture they're too busy with their own extended family. Meet-ups happen months in advance, as their calendars are full with "x's 60th, their nieces baptism, y's family gathering"

I've hit rock bottom with no one to put down as an emergency contact. All I want is someone to give me a hug, make me a brew, tell me I'll be alright, and say they're proud of me, even if it's just over the phone. Since I turned 18, I've had to tough it out alone, and while I'm grateful for my DH it's tough. Sure, I can make friends and build a support network, but what I really need is someone I can dial up at a moment's notice. AIBU or do I need to put my big girl pants on?

Because I'm not an equal, these are either people with local or at least closer family who take priority or else they are people who would be perfectly happy with "my little family" and can take or leave other relationships.

I figure I could rage against God or the universe at how unfair it is or I could do what's best for me and my kids and make the best of it.

@WhatNoRaisins I hear that. Has to inform my choices going forward.

It is tough but as others have stated only you can change this by finding your own tribe. You will only be able to find them by putting yourself out there. Find a welcoming church (if you are religious), have a look on meet up to find local groups, check out your local library/sure start centre to see if there are any groups that interest you, invite your daughter friends on play dates or meet with others at a playground.

It does take time and it can be hard to break into existing friendship groups but at least you will have fun doing it and having something to look forward to.

I know how you feel. Friends are no substitute for family, though we like to kid ourselves that they are. Truth is, most friends are only friends so long as it suits them. When you are ill or depressed, you're no longer fun, and so they drift away. Even good people will quickly tire of an unhappy friend. Plus, of course, a friend owes you nothing. They have no duty to stand by you. Family do. Even if your relationship with a sibling or parent is shaky, there is still a sense of obligation. A friend can, and often will, drop you as soon as it's convenient. We've all lost a friend when they moved, got married or had kids.

I have a sister and an ageing mother, and that's it. I yearn to be part of a big, happy, strong family – with a couple of older brothers, a close auntie, and that sort of thing. I sometimes think loneliness is really our natural state. Therapists always say "get out there and meet new people," but overlook how difficult it can be to find a) someone you really like, and b) someone who also wants a deep friendship with you. And even if you find such a person, you may loathe their partner, or find they drop you when they have kids, or whatever.

Even families are often riddled with jealousy, tension, fallings out, etc. Just because you're related to someone, that doesn't mean you'll get on. I'm very different to my sister. We love one another, and there's never been any petty jealousy or disagreements, but we really have nothing in common. Quite a lot of big families aren't close. It often surprises me how many people haven't seen their siblings in years, for example.

Growing up I had my gran. Now my parents have died I have no family except my DP. You have to make the best out of life. Make friends who are also looking for friends, not just looking for someone to pass time with.

Personally I find this so hard to fathom, as I have a rich social circle. So I'm going to is some questions to try and se show to helps if it's help you'd appreciate.
Why do you not have any friends? Did you go to college or university? What hobbies do you enjoy, how do you and DH spend your evenings and weekends?
The basic way to make friends is join social groups, take initiative, volunteer and be cheerful. It can feel forced or uncomfortable at first, but the aim is not to make friends with everyone, just sift out the people you get along most naturally with and invest in them.

OP I sympathise.

I think there’s an important and helpful distinction to be made between community and friends tho. If I were you, I would focus on things that give you some community rather than looking for individual friendships. By this I mean a regular commitment - it could be a running group, volunteering, PTA or scouts, church, a hobby - something that means you see the same group of people pretty much every week or so. It doesn’t matter if you make super close friends, you will start to build community links and have a sense of community around you. And in my experience after a year or two those things begin to stick and withstand group fluctuations too.

It also sounds as if you would like more children and it’s worth making sacrifices to make that happen too.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you feel lonely. I'm not surprised, given the background you gave about your parents. I wonder if it might be worth trying to separate out your own sense of loneliness (and having to go through all those milestones alone does sound extremely tough) from your feelings about your daughter. I think, understandably, that you are muddling the two to an extent, and projecting some of your own feelings of isolation onto your daughter. Her situation is not the same as yours: she has two parents who love her. She will never be lonely in the way you have described, in the sense of lacking any family support. And having two loving parents will give her confidence and a solid sense of self, so that she will go out into the world able to forge her own connections and make her own family (whatever that looks like). So perhaps try to accept your own very understandable sadness without letting it colour your thoughts about your daughter's happiness too much. These are separate issues. I really feel for you and wish you more peace in the future.

I agree with this. We live in a small, remote village with a very strong community. We are not really proper friends with anyone locally but I stop to chat to people several times a day and I know that if I was bedridden a lot of people would help me (as I have helped neighbours in the past). Nothing can replace family or close friends for the strength of support but if you had a community of some sort I think you’d feel a lot better. It also takes away the pressure of having to like someone enough (and them like you enough) to be close friends.

I sort of get this. I didn't have any grandparents growing up and my extended family lived 3 hours away. However I never felt missing anything growing up as my parents put huge efforts into being involved into making friends and being part of a community. We saw a lot more of family friends and their kids growing up and it was great! Even now my mum is still friends with a lot of those people.

And have more children because you want them. I have two siblings that I have little contact with and I'm much closer wirh my own friends.

Truth is, most friends are only friends so long as it suits them. When you are ill or depressed, you're no longer fun, and so they drift away. Even good people will quickly tire of an unhappy friend.

i don’t relate to this at all. Quite depressing you have this view @Cooper77 which is presumably my based upon your experiences with “friends”

I'm in a very similar situation to you OP. I have lots of family on the other side of the world but have never met them. I often find people busy with their own extended families. Now that I have my own children, I haven't been able to give them extended family either because I don't have it to give them. I feel the lack of connection more and more as I get older. My mother gave me a list of a few people to invite to my wedding because she was concerned that my side of the church would be empty otherwise, when I got married. She wasn't wrong. Her and my father were the only family I had to invite full stop! I don't know that I can offer anything other than finding community in other ways (something I've found hit and miss and variable), just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this kind of situation.

Then you're lucky.

I lost friends when I was depressed. Made me not want to trust anyone again.

lucky?

to some extent yes. But like a marriage…. it requires effort and commitment and compromise.

But so very worth it

I think life sometimes throws these things to help us find who our real friends are. I lost friends when I had a child going through serious illness. They didn't want to deal with me sometimes being a bit unreliable. Their choice but I feel real friends would have understood my child was sick and it was out of my control.

To be honest OP I'd have more children - I remortgaged and took loans out to cover childcare - when people ask why i don't agree with being deliberately one and done then your post explains it perfectly and painfully and I really feel for you. You can't do much about your situation for you yourself but you can try and make sure your child doesn't experience the same as an adult

The OP shouldn't have more children just to ensure that her current child won't be lonely or as some built in support network. Getting into debt to cover childcare can lead to all sorts of complications and could result in debt that is completely unsustainable, impossible to pay off and could in extreme circumstances result in losing homes.

Having a family network is great but it doesn't always work out that way. I don't speak to my siblings and I have many friends in the same boat. I work with older people and again many of them have children who aren't involved.

We seem to have become so insular as a society that we seem to have lost connection with our local community, friends and neighbours. Traditionally no matter how big your family you could rely on these external supports too. Instead of the OP being guilt tripped or pressured into having extra children she might not want, be able to have or afford, effort could be made to build up support elsewhere and widening a social network around them.

It is true that solid friendships require effort but ime it’s rare to find a friend who will put you in the same category as family. Friends who don’t drift away, who will help you move house, look after your kids if you die… that’s not an easy thing to build.

I would also be very careful about having a big family with no support. We have two and couldn't cope with being outnumbered. Yes obviously you get the odd chilled out mother who can cope with 4 while her partner's working away a lot but most of us aren't that woman.

It is nice to have extended family - although for some they can be a mixed blessing!

When your children go to school you can join the PSA and get involved in all sorts of ways. This will create a new network for you.

I have one friend like that, though I don't think it extends to caring for each other's kids if one of us dies. (Our kids are all older anyway). My friend is also all on her own, so we are peas in a pod in that way.

I am chronically ill I have no one except my husband no children I lie in be all day and do nothing I hate it I used to have friends to do with my hobbies but that is long gone. I hate it

This thread is so incredibly sad and really resonates with me.

I an an only child, as is my other half. We have no family outside of our parents, and obviously they will not be around forever. If we were to have children I would share the concerns of some of the other posters (that if anything were to happen to us, the children would have nobody). And we are older now too, which makes it worse.

I long to belong to a big extended family. Of course not every family gets along, but many do. My neighbours for example are a lovely big close family. When they get together I hear them laughing and having fun together through the walls, and I feel so incredibly sad that I will never be a part of anything like that. And of course, it isn't just about the fun times - it's the sad times too. They have the support of one another, people to share memories of their parents with when they pass. I will just be alone with my thoughts.

I look back on my life and analyse how it came to this. As a child I was always very quiet. I had friends, but moved around a bit (went to different schools etc) and didn't manage to make any long lasting friendships. When I go on Facebook, I see acquaintances from school who now have children, siblings, nieces, nephews and long standing friends from school too. I have none of that. I blame myself for getting into this position, but realistically I think some if it is just circumstances and bad luck.

I probably sound like a terrible person, but I don't think I am. I'm just a quiet person who has fallen by the wayside in life.

I think all I can do at this stage in my life is to try to make friends. I am less quiet and more confident than I used to be. I think what I need is friends who are in a similar situation (lack of) family wise. People who understand, that I can be loyal to and who will hopefully be loyal to me in return.

I am just not sure how realistic it is to find such friends. Obviously on this thread there are a number of people in the same (or a similar) situation as me, but how many are there out there in 'real life', in the local area? I really don't know if what I am aiming for is in any way realistic.

I have thought about starting my own group and paying to boost it on Facebook or Instagram or something like that. Maybe that would be a really worthwhile thing to do if I could help bring others in a similar situation together.

I feel that I have really really prioritised building friendships and community - it's literally something you actually do have control over.

volunteer locally, join a choir, reach out and arrange playdates when your kids are old enough - invite neighbours round for drinks -

Children / families tend to make a lot of really good connections in the primary school years so you aren't even there yet ! so very much not too late.

I made a lot of friends and acquaintances when my girls started school. If work permits get involved with the PTA, school drop off etc. In the meantime I’m sending you a hug and if you’re in Berks let me, I’ll meet you for a brew 😃