To feel down that we have no one

[Echo21]

My DH and I are without extended family nearby. I have no blood relatives other than our DD and we are both in our early 30s. His family resides on the other side of the world, and due to language barriers and distance, they are not involved in our lives. This isn't about needing help with childcare or wanting a break (even though childcare costs around 2250 a month in our area), because I know we consciously chose to have children. However, I can't help but feel a sense of sadness because our daughter doesn't have anyone else who truly cares about her besides us.

Initially, some friends visited us after DD was born, but that quickly tapered off. There have been no gifts or cards for her, and the same lack of recognition extends to us—there were few congratulations or ongoing support.

Looking ahead, it saddens me that DD will not have extended family gatherings or extended holiday traditions unless she gains a sibling. While we do have friends, the connection doesn't feel the same. Sometimes I myself, long to have someone to confide in, seek advice from, or share in my accomplishments, or just pop round to and feel like we have a "place" to be other than home. I've gone through every milestone in my life—my wedding, graduation, new jobs—without anyone who saw me grow up celebrating with me, reminiscing childhood, and now I see the same pattern for DD. I never want her to experience this loneliness.

I understand that family can't be conjured up, and friendships, no matter how long-standing, can't always replace the bond of blood relations. And if they do, they can it takes years to build up to that level. For a long time, I've settled for superficial friendships, lacking in quality and depth, and as soon as children come into the picture they're too busy with their own extended family. Meet-ups happen months in advance, as their calendars are full with "x's 60th, their nieces baptism, y's family gathering"

I've hit rock bottom with no one to put down as an emergency contact. All I want is someone to give me a hug, make me a brew, tell me I'll be alright, and say they're proud of me, even if it's just over the phone. Since I turned 18, I've had to tough it out alone, and while I'm grateful for my DH it's tough. Sure, I can make friends and build a support network, but what I really need is someone I can dial up at a moment's notice. AIBU or do I need to put my big girl pants on?

Erm, I think people are actually starving to pay their bills. What world do you live in?

Yes I do agree with this. I think it can really vary with aunties and uncles and cousins, I have many but don’t really see them much tbh and they certainly weren’t actively involved in my upbringing, celebrating milestones. I do appreciate some can be a lot more involved though but not a guarantee, I find closer bonds with my friends tbh.

The easiest way is to join in with some kind of 'ready made' community

When I had dd, I found a family friendly church to join. Both she and then ds grew up knowing loads of people who did care about them and always asked how they were, made a fuss of their achievements etc.

It is very like an extra family, and even though 18 years on they go very rarely now, they often bump into people in town or at work and they always feel cared for

DH is an atheist but he agrees it was good for them to experience and he's glad they got that extra love, support and sense of belonging growing up

Agreed. Having aunts/ uncles/ siblings doesn't mean you have someone you can put as an emergency contact or who will make you a cup of tea when you're a bit low.

If you want that kind of connection then you have to make it. Yes it does take years - so you need to start now.

This is why third spaces are so important. Seek out some third spaces OP! It won’t be the same as family but you’ll find some people to bring into your circle and I bet an emergency contact! I’ve just put down a mum friend as DD’s emergency contact on her nursery form, I did have a moment’s sadness about that too.

Blood of the covenant (friends/likeminded people) is thicker than the water of the womb (family ties). Make your own network, honestly. It takes a lot of effort and tenacity but needs must and it’s worth it.

AIBU or do I need to put my big girl pants on? YANBU, it is hard, but you also need to put your big girl pants on and go forth and socialise. Also have more kids. Probably not a popular opinion on here but fill your future Christmas table. It doesn’t even need to be people you’ve borne yourself tbh, have an open, welcoming home and let people in once you’ve found them.

When I was a child I hated extended family gatherings!
And you do have family, just not nearby.

Try to cultivate your friendships, OP, because they are the people who stick by you and matter most - in my experience of 40+ years of friendship.

As Far As I Can See - is my guess?!

It's sad at times isn't it OP - I have my dad still alive but he is more of a child than dd and is currently ignoring me because I got so sick I nearly died at the start of the year...Yeah, I don't get it either.

I think friends become super important but you have each other in the same boat which is an absolute gem. I have been long term single and it is really quite bleak at times. I would say lean in to each other but also make sure you keep hobbies for each separately, so at least you get a break but have topics of conversation.

Learn how to develop better, deeper friendships. People who are a valued part of your household, that you don’t have to tidy up for. People who you might go on holiday with. People who will love your child. It does take time, it won’t always work out, but it is really worthwhile. They might be people older or younger than you, single or married, with or without children. You will need to be willing to be open and vulnerable with them, and willing to reciprocate. Good luck!

Can you try to be more involved with the family of your husband, even if they live far away? I assume your husband speaks the same language as them?
Can you connect via Skype, FaceTime, Zoom, Teams? Telephone?
Perhaps your daughter can write letters/e-mails to them, and your husband can translate them for his family?
Can your daughter draw pictures and send to them?

@theeyeofdoe did you read that childcare in their area is circa 2250 a month? I don’t know what their income is, but not sure it would stretch to a large family! There is no family support to fall back on which makes raising children very difficult and expensive.

Even if your daughter won't have a lot of extended family gatherings during her childhood, when she is grown-up she (by herself, or together with you two) can perhaps travel abroad to visit your husband's family. That will be such an experience!

I'm in a similar position to you and @EmeraldRoulette. No family, no children, no partner, no emergency contact and I've had to tough it out alone since I was 16. I used to have several close friends but in the last few years one has become a pro-Putin conspiracy theorist, another became agoraphobic and seemingly gave me the slow fade despite my best efforts, one used me as a therapist then ditched me, another dropped me when he met his GF and another I'm at breaking point with due to her chronic flakiness. I get frustrated with people on here who say 'well go out and meet people', 'join a club, 'cultivate friendships', like it's that easy and we haven't already tried that. It's almost as bad the ones who say 'I envy you, my family drive me mad'.

I totally get that feeling of just wanting a hug and someone to make you a cup of tea or pick you up from the hospital. I always tried to be that friend. I gave so much support to the pro-Putin one, I'd have done anything for her except go along with her views, which ultimately was all that mattered to her. In hindsight I can see that she wasn't a good friend. Only a twat would agree to pick someone up from hospital after a GA operation then make excuses a couple of days before, leaving me scrabbling to find an alternative.

I don't know what the answer is, and it's on my mind more and more as I get older and the chances of me experiencing health problems increases. I can't remember who said it, possibly @EmeraldRoulette... I can deal with being alone, but not having that emergency contact and someone to rely upon in the event of an emergency is quite worrying.

I’m so sorry, I hope you are ok. Not sure how old your child is, but once mine started school it really opened up so much opportunity to us, but I did have to put the work in. I do find it hard to socialise but both my children have a really close friendship with a class mate and we’ve hung out as families and chatted lots whilst dropping them off for play dates. It’s really grown and I would hang out with the mums 1-1 now. And my DCs friends have become like family to me now. Didn’t happen over night though and had to put the effort in. X

I decided to stay at home because childcare costs were more than I could earn locally as a SM with restricted hours (the earliest age they could take her was 2yo and only 9-12 - I did find a nursery across the other side of town with a space that did until 5pm but it took over an hour to walk to/get 2 busses and I didn't have a car). If you did decide to have more kids I think it may be wise to have them closer together, so they all go to Primary at similar times and you can then start working. I am not sure I'd advocate staying at home as something to do if you are a bit depressed however. I have stayed in touch with 1 friend from the baby years but when they all went to various primary schools most of them got on with new friends as did I. Your kids will be the best way to open friendship doors, regardless.

I sympathise. I have no blood relatives in the Uk and only one sibling overseas who doesn’t keep in touch much. But my dh does and it makes a world of difference to piggyback off his family’s.

there’s no magic answer, you’ll have to work at building connections in your community, try and put down roots if you can.

we had a big age gap between our kids - even with that gap I’m glad to give my dd a sibling. Childcare costs are outrageous in the UK but having more children helps you feel less isolated and guilty about your older dc in my experience

As your child gets older you’ll have more opportunities to branch out and find new friends. Some will stick and become good friends. In the meantime what are your neighbours like? I have worked hard to be on good terms with neighbours and some are becoming good friends - one in particular would now be quite flattered to be named as my emergency contact I think!

I have over thirty cousins , my parents and a sibling with family most live within an hour and I don’t see or here from any of them

Sometimes families come from the oddest places.

I am NC with my parents, sadly, and had DC with 2 abusive men. But: DC2's father still has both kids EOW and takes them to visit his parents, who they love. His ex partner (the one after me) became quite close to them, and still takes them on days out, sometimes with her daughter and SIL, and sometimes they go to visit her mum ("the bonus granny"). The DC's old childminder still keeps in touch and takes them out to the cinema sometimes. DS1's dad is a serial impregnator and a right wrong'un and thankfully doesn't see DS, but I have become close to one of his subsequent partners- now also an ex. There are varying difficult situations involving DS1'S numerous half siblings (down to their monster of a father), but I have hopes that in the future all the half siblings will be able to get to know each other.

I consider most of these people to be family- if not to me, then to my DC.

I had 2 younger siblings (twins). My parents had them so I wouldn’t be lonely. My brother died a few hours after birth and my sister hated me from first sight. There are no guarantees that siblings will get on or care about one another.

Even if you do have a decent relationship with your family, it doesn't mean you constantly have family events to go to. I have one sister, DH has one brother. We live quite a way from each other, 4 hours' drive to DH's brother, the other end of hte country to my sister. We see each other once or twice a year, keep in touch by whatsapp or social media. We get on FINE, but are not living in each other's pockets, soap opera style. I don't think those sorts of families exist in rel life in huge numbers and if they do, there are endless posts about interference and never having 2 minutes to yourself.

Agree with others, you have to create your own network and this requires sustained effort, it's not going to just drop into your lap.

Are you religious, OP? I am wondering if so, given you used the phrase “God willing” in one of your responses.

I am an atheist, but have several religious friends of various faiths, who have built up strong ties and family like bonds within their religious communities. That could be an option?

"Sometimes I myself, long to have someone to confide in, seek advice from, or share in my accomplishments, or just pop round to and feel like we have a "place" to be other than home."

Now look at it from the other side. Do you also long for someone who wants to confide in you, seek your advice, tell you about their accomplishments, pop round to your house? A friendship takes two people.

Motherhood gives you such an easy way to meet other women who are potential friends. Baby and toddler groups, school picks ups, other social groups… You don't say how old your DD is but if she's little, could you start a postnatal group? That's what I did. Poster on the fence, bought tea, coffee and biscuits. If you want to make a close friend, you need to meet as many people as possible to find those you really click with.

Yeah it's tough. My family are 200 miles away and very small in number, we were infertile so no kids and the strain of that ended my marriage. I'm also self employed My emergency contact is my ex husband! I can relate OP.

When your kid starts school and hobbies try and make some good parent friends. That's how my sister met most of her current friends, and is something I have completely missed out on.

It is hard when you don't have family, particularly when you see cousins playing together on FB etc.

We do have family but not close by. My family we only see once every few years. But I have made a huge effort to make our village and my kids are growing up with friends who feel like cousins, so I'm hoping that makes a difference. A few of our friends they call 'Uncle X' and 'Aunty Y' and I love that when they're older they have myriad adults in their lives to turn to.

It takes work to create that but if you can, it's definitely worth the effort.

@Echo21 what is your response to those posters who are saying why isn't your husband in greater contact with his family, and could he start to teach your daughter his language so she is bilingual and then able to talk with this wider, extended family?