To feel down that we have no one

[Echo21]

My DH and I are without extended family nearby. I have no blood relatives other than our DD and we are both in our early 30s. His family resides on the other side of the world, and due to language barriers and distance, they are not involved in our lives. This isn't about needing help with childcare or wanting a break (even though childcare costs around 2250 a month in our area), because I know we consciously chose to have children. However, I can't help but feel a sense of sadness because our daughter doesn't have anyone else who truly cares about her besides us.

Initially, some friends visited us after DD was born, but that quickly tapered off. There have been no gifts or cards for her, and the same lack of recognition extends to us—there were few congratulations or ongoing support.

Looking ahead, it saddens me that DD will not have extended family gatherings or extended holiday traditions unless she gains a sibling. While we do have friends, the connection doesn't feel the same. Sometimes I myself, long to have someone to confide in, seek advice from, or share in my accomplishments, or just pop round to and feel like we have a "place" to be other than home. I've gone through every milestone in my life—my wedding, graduation, new jobs—without anyone who saw me grow up celebrating with me, reminiscing childhood, and now I see the same pattern for DD. I never want her to experience this loneliness.

I understand that family can't be conjured up, and friendships, no matter how long-standing, can't always replace the bond of blood relations. And if they do, they can it takes years to build up to that level. For a long time, I've settled for superficial friendships, lacking in quality and depth, and as soon as children come into the picture they're too busy with their own extended family. Meet-ups happen months in advance, as their calendars are full with "x's 60th, their nieces baptism, y's family gathering"

I've hit rock bottom with no one to put down as an emergency contact. All I want is someone to give me a hug, make me a brew, tell me I'll be alright, and say they're proud of me, even if it's just over the phone. Since I turned 18, I've had to tough it out alone, and while I'm grateful for my DH it's tough. Sure, I can make friends and build a support network, but what I really need is someone I can dial up at a moment's notice. AIBU or do I need to put my big girl pants on?

I do get it op. What I would say is that friends can be so much better than family. We had a family friend and her son(my age) and he is honestly like a brother to me and an uncle to my DS. More so than some of DS actual uncles!

My advice is yes join the church/mosque etc as they'll have events and will be welcoming (most are anyway). But then join the PTA when DD starts school and throw yourself into their events. I was treasurer for the whole time DS was at primary and it was great - made lots of new friends and had so many asks on a weekend.

Plus also sign your DD up for Beavers. It's a similar situation and you can join and be an assistant leader and we do so many camps and weekend trips etc - plus DD will get a lot out of the other kids.

And finally I get that some families do their own thing on the weekend so my close friends were both single mothers. Keen to join up when they had their DCs (as everyone else was doing family stuff) but also keen to meet up just as adults o their other weekend when DC was with their dad. We did weekends away and days out and it was great. Your DC can get a cousin sort of relationship with theirs.

I can really sympathise with you OP. We live really far from both our families (plus I’m low contact with my parents due to an emotionally abusive childhood). Before children it was fine, I had friends/colleagues. But after we moved (out of the city to a new area) with small children and didn’t know anyone ……. I found the first few years so isolating and lonely. I made a lot of friends and acquaintances but they all had wide families and long-term friends living nearby and I was just a small cog in their wheels. I longed for close friendships for many years and struggled to find it. But please don’t give up hope! We eventually have found it - although my children are 6-12 now, so it took a few years. The key has been to find other people who also don’t have family nearby, didn’t grow up in the area. I have 3 really close female friends now, all met through our children’s primary school. We have bbqs at each others houses, hang out at Easter, bank hols, new year etc when everyone else is at their parents round the corner. They are like sisters and we would drop everything to help each other in an emergency, have each others kids for sleepovers so that we can have a childfree night away, the husbands are all friends, the kids joke that they are cousins! So my point is to be patient…….. I hope that this will come to you with time also. What worked for me was just putting myself out there over several years - volunteered at the PTA, helped at a local playgroup, joined a women’s social group, got a part-time job in the local community. In time I found other likeminded people.

I could have written your post. I am in a very similar situation to you. I haven't read all the replies but wanted to let you know that you are not alone! I miss connection and honestly at times I feel too tired to try. It feels exhausting and very lonely and no one gets it so I keep this to myself and that hurts too!

I know exactly what you mean op.

I think this is going to increasingly be the case as society changes. People have fewer children, later in life, who then move away.
For example my childhood was spent playing with my seven cousins who all lived within a five mile radius. My adult children have two cousins who live 150 miles away. We used to regularly go and visit but despite numerous invitations sil and bil never visited us. My children have now left home and moved away so live 250 miles from their cousins, so haven’t seen them since pre Covid.
It’s very sad op.

I agree with this. We have no family nearby and DDs starting school was what really widened my social circle. But I had to make a big effort, organising play dates, chatting to other parents, arranging nights out on the class WhatsApp etc and slowly I built myself a small community.

The other thing that really helped was getting DDs involved in Brownies/Guides etc and the Scouting movement and actually getting involved myself and helping out.

I don't know if it would be for you, but I've often found churches very welcoming and sociable if you can find the right one. Often with groups for children too.

Sure, I can make friends and build a support network

That’s the sort of thing that happens naturally over years, rather than suddenly deciding to make some for a support network when your kids some along.

Have neither you or your husband made any friends over the last 30 years?

It’s not unusual to have no family support but for neither of you to have any friends either, I would say is unusual.

All I want is someone to give me a hug, make me a brew, tell me I'll be alright, and say they're proud of me, even if it's just over the phone.

⬆️ This bit is exactly how I feel. I have plenty of friends but what you’ve written above is what parents give you. If you don’t have parents (or your parents are inadequate), you miss out big time. I feel very jealous of people with close extended families all living nearby. It’s a completely different life.

Gosh I think friends are far better than blood relations, you can pick the best ones for a start. It sounds like maybe you're not that close to people in general. Maybe taking up a social activity would help?

I have no close or extended family but an OH and lots of friends, and I wouldn't trade that for the world because everyone's family members seem to cause them hassle even though they often still love them. I love my friends and they don't cause me any hassle. I have far more in common with them than I did with family members when I had them, and you know they genuinely want to see you and spend time with you, it's not just out of obligation.

I think maybe you're focusing on the fantasy of what it would be like instead of what it would really be like.

If your friends don't do those things for you, you need better friends to be honest.

I completely get where you are coming from OP. We are in a similar position. Only DM still around and she is in late 80’s and not in brilliant health: needs our help more than she can help us.
Have friends but not close and there’s nobody I really feel comfortable imposing child-care on even on an emergency basis. When we go out I use babysitters.

When I had my third child a few years ago I was forced to go out of my comfort
zone and ask a friend’s daughter if she would watch my two other children so that DH could attend the birth as it was a night long job. It worked out fabulously- they loved her and she appreciated the large amount of pocket money she earnt but I could only cope with it on the basis that we were remunerating her for her time.
When i analyse it it’s because people have taken the piss with my generosity in the past and I’m scared of asking for help in case in case I become beholden to someone else and then feel I’m forever in their debt. I also have been badly hurt emotionally by friendship in the past so I’m scared to let people in I think.

I do worry what would happen if DH and I were both killed in a car crash or something . I do realise that it’s something I need to think about as no one is invincible.

@Comedycook

I have friends who I count as family.

Both sides have invested in the relationship. I am the only single person amongst my friends although I do have a child, but was the last to do so.

I have friends from university - so nearly 40 years standing
I didnt walk away when they had kids, I put the time in, I am a god parent, I spent Christmas and summer holidays with them. I sat in the soft play with them, built sandcastles on the beach, was probably the eccentric ‘auntie’ who went off on strange holidays and brought them back unusual things. All time they gave back in spades when I adopted my child.
I have another group of friends, again I’m the only single parent, but we all have kids with ASD/ADHD, so its mutual support. Not quite in the family category but one is my second contact for school and I can rely on any of them in an emergency, as they can rely on me

its down to time and effort

Oh OP I've been struggling with this a lot recently too and I think so many people are lonely for many reasons! DP and I are only children with no contact with cousins due to distance, we want an only child for various reasons but worry they'll feel the loneliness I do.

I don't think extended families always provide the close connection you're imagining. In some cases they definitely do, I have several close friends with large, close families and it feels hard to miss out on that when I see the joy it brings to them, but I think the norm is to have 1 or 2 relatives you're really close to and the others are more friends/acquaintances, but the family tie means you see them throughout life.

I'm working on strengthening connections with the people we have, and focusing on friendships as well as other forms of community - in the past year our hobby group has been a great addition to both our lives and because it has a wider age range there's a slight family feeling. A weird tip I have is to try to deepen the friendships by being more open and don't let the friendship stay superficial - not in an oversharing way, but I've opened up a lot more with friends in the past year and it's brought us closer together with one even inviting me to her family Christmas. Equally, be someone others can open up to, if a mum friend says she's having a tough week but laughs it off you could ask what's wrong or invite her for coffee.

For your DD, the one thing that I wish my parents had done is set me up with more social connections. They're both extreme introverts and I'd have loved to spend time with family friends and other children when I was small. Interestingly, my friends from large, close families all have childhood best friends who are like an extra sibling - even though their parents had the benefit of extended family they also had wide friendship groups.

Sometimes I myself, long to have someone to confide in, seek advice from, or share in my accomplishments, or just pop round to and feel like we have a "place" to be other than home.

This sounds slightly like you want more from them than you would give back in return. Think of the people you would currently class as friends, are the relationships truly 2-way?

I’m in the same situation OP. I did make one good local friend and we helped each other out but she emigrated. God I miss her!

No emergency contact either.

There’s no getting away from the fact it’s hard and it limits what I can do as there is no one to step in if DH is busy. It sucks You have my sympathy. I’ve found it really upsetting to realise how isolated I am,

Eh? She's clearly not saying that 🙄

Its not the same as loving parents

What an awful reply. Negative & shaming.

Firstly does not necessarily take years to make new friends OP. Especially for parents- you can make friends with other parents at baby/toddler groups then school. Having a common ground or interest is a lot easier than randomly making friends though this can be done through friendship apps- lots of likeminded people.

OP I’m sending hugs. I hear you. I don’t know about you personally but if you’re introverted I appreciate that is harder still. Have you tried the baby groups etc? Remember as a pp said thinking of what you bring to the table too in terms of friendship. Be yourself, be open, warm and friendly. Connect about your children. Friendships do need nurturing a bit but easier with the common ground. X

@Echo21 just to reiterate, I really believe your time will come with school etc

@kitteninabasket I just wanted to acknowledge your post. People going weird in recent times is a thing.

I posted a lot on here about being lonely in the past. I realise now that post-lockdown was probably a really stupid time to try and meet people. I was very lucky to have friends who were like family until lockdown.

one of the reasons why I'm so conscious of the "in case of emergency" thing....
I did have a spinal injury and friends were incredibly helpful and looked after me really well. I have done a lot for those people too, but I do wonder if eventually some people just don't want that level of commitment in a friendship.

And I'm afraid I think that applies particularly to people with partners and children, I can see why because that is a very all-encompassing thing. But plenty of them have actually told me that!

They have said that they simply do not have time to maintain friendships. I can see you from social media that they are hanging out with friends with kids because obviously that gives the kids something to do as well.

Now I don't think I'd have anyone able to help at all in illness or emergency, although there are still two people who would, but they are too far away.

I have debated posting an update because I've had some interesting experiences trying to meet people but I'm still processing it all and maybe nobody would be interested anyway! Or lots of people would just post to say "hey, it's all your fault, try harder." I actually spent a couple of years thinking it was my fault, which I now see was a total waste of time and actually I didn't do anything wrong.

Ironically, as I type this, one of my neighbours is moving out.

She has complained to me that she has only made friends with me here, but she has also said that it wasn't really worth making more effort because she is moving.....But she's moving 2 miles down the road!!

I'm about to go upstairs with a card for her. I realise a lot of mumsnetters will scream at me and say "oh it's just a pointless card that she has to throw away, environment blah" but I want to make the gesture just the same.

From her conversation, it does appear that probably no one else would give her a "new home" card , so I'd like to make the gesture.

Anyway, I think an awful lot of it is luck and I probably just have to accept that I had very good luck from my school years until I was aged 44 - so yeah my luck just ran out! And I have good things in life so I have to focus on that.

I'm hoping that at 55 I can move into a retirement place, and that will be more of a community.

By "family," I mean his parents. He has tried to connect, but they aren't very interested. They have limited access to WiFi as they live in a remote area in a third world country, and their health is poor. They don't understand Western culture and haven't shown a desire to be part of our journey—they didn't even try to get a visa for our wedding when we were going to pay for it l. He is much younger than his only brother, who is severely disabled, making a long-distance relationship difficult.

Have more kids if YOU want them, but don’t have more kids just to provide siblings - my DH is from a large family and they have little to nothing to do with each other despite living within 30min of each other! A close sibling relationship as adults is not a given.

It sounds like you need a big hug, I hug my daughter every time I see her so I'm sending you one today. I can fully understand the need for family and friends as your family grows. I always think it's a pity there's not a website for people who would love to be grandparents are matched with families that don't have them, win win situation. I definitely reach out into your community and try to make connections that way x

@EmeraldRoulette I would be interested to hear your experiences. I think I know what you mean re all your fault. I'm grappling with that at the moment, feeling like it must be me and was half expecting someone to reply to my post to say I'm the common denominator or whatever. I feel it's a bit like relationship breakups, where people advise you not to start dating for a good while afterwards. That's where I'm at with friendships, I feel bruised and battered and too vulnerable to put myself out there again for now.

She has complained to me that she has only made friends with me here, but she has also said that it wasn't really worth making more effort because she is moving.....But she's moving 2 miles down the road!!

This is a rather odd attitude. I'm finding people increasingly baffling.

You have to put yourself out there and build your community. You mention friends not visiting, or giving you support, but are you visiting and supporting them? There's plenty of people about with little family support, you just need to find them, and be prepared to put the effort in. People seem to forget that relationships are reciprocal.

What about something like this? https://www.ageuk.org.uk/services/befriending-services/ It’s obviously not going to be a replacement mum or grandmother, but if you’re missing that presence in your life where you can just phone up for a chat, or after you’ve got to know them, have your child interact with a different generation, it might be something that you could all benefit from.

I’m one of four and although I’m incredibly close to one of them, and his DC, siblings are definitely no guarantee of a close relationship.

We’re generally both lucky in terms of family and friends otherwise though (don’t get me wrong, the awful ones are really bloody awful), and new babies and lockdown only made those ties stronger, if anything. I think that having a strong, supportive network of people around you is 20% choosing your friends wisely, not being a dick etc, and 80% luck.