To feel down that we have no one

[Echo21]

My DH and I are without extended family nearby. I have no blood relatives other than our DD and we are both in our early 30s. His family resides on the other side of the world, and due to language barriers and distance, they are not involved in our lives. This isn't about needing help with childcare or wanting a break (even though childcare costs around 2250 a month in our area), because I know we consciously chose to have children. However, I can't help but feel a sense of sadness because our daughter doesn't have anyone else who truly cares about her besides us.

Initially, some friends visited us after DD was born, but that quickly tapered off. There have been no gifts or cards for her, and the same lack of recognition extends to us—there were few congratulations or ongoing support.

Looking ahead, it saddens me that DD will not have extended family gatherings or extended holiday traditions unless she gains a sibling. While we do have friends, the connection doesn't feel the same. Sometimes I myself, long to have someone to confide in, seek advice from, or share in my accomplishments, or just pop round to and feel like we have a "place" to be other than home. I've gone through every milestone in my life—my wedding, graduation, new jobs—without anyone who saw me grow up celebrating with me, reminiscing childhood, and now I see the same pattern for DD. I never want her to experience this loneliness.

I understand that family can't be conjured up, and friendships, no matter how long-standing, can't always replace the bond of blood relations. And if they do, they can it takes years to build up to that level. For a long time, I've settled for superficial friendships, lacking in quality and depth, and as soon as children come into the picture they're too busy with their own extended family. Meet-ups happen months in advance, as their calendars are full with "x's 60th, their nieces baptism, y's family gathering"

I've hit rock bottom with no one to put down as an emergency contact. All I want is someone to give me a hug, make me a brew, tell me I'll be alright, and say they're proud of me, even if it's just over the phone. Since I turned 18, I've had to tough it out alone, and while I'm grateful for my DH it's tough. Sure, I can make friends and build a support network, but what I really need is someone I can dial up at a moment's notice. AIBU or do I need to put my big girl pants on?

Your situation sounds really tough. People aren't supposed to exist on their own without family or a community. Of course you are feeling down.

Do you think you could consider seeking out a church community in your area? If you can find an active church with a fairly young congregation, I think they can offer the type of old style "village" type community that is often lacking in today's society.

I'm not a believer personally but as a stay at home Mum I have found lots of company and support attending various church organised things, even though I'm not actually part of the congregation. I know many people who have strong friendships, childcare, hobbies, social activities and local communities through church participation. In your shoes I would consider finding something similar.

Hi, we are in the same boat, without family on my side and my husbands side. Once we became parents I used to end up tearful after kids went to bed on birthdays and Christmas as I felt so sad we were on our own. But that stopped eventually, maybe no tears left to cry.

In my opinion a good family provides 4 forms of support which I have seen to be moral, practical, childcare or financial. In some cases my peers have 1, 2, 3 or all 4 types of support whilst we have none.

If we go through a big stress like a car accident which happened recently, it really brings it to attention how alone we are. I find people who have an abundance of family say hallmark like comments "your friends are your family" or "you make your own family" which I just don't think is the case, it's not the same.

To support myself I have a good long standing relationship with a private therapist and in cases like a car accident I drop her a text to book in for a session or two and she sees me with a few days. I take normally less than 5 sessions a year, just when I need some high quality support, wisdom and guidance. I can't buy family but I can buy support for myself and that will have to do.

In terms of the pressure it has put DH and I under, well it's immense and I am not sure if our marriage will survive, we did do some marriage counselling a few years back, the therapist likened us to Adam and Eve, whereby we have no-one which she felt was rare.

We are never alone and are nearing a full breakdown in communication - as we never get time alone to communicate I feel. We both hope it will get easier for us in the adolescent years if we can stay together until then.

Overall it's hard, painful and sad. I am filled with regular concern of what will happen to kids if DH and I were to die. I feel regret at times I've become a parent as I can't say I will be around until they are 18. We did have a friend who died last year in their 30's and left behind 2 kids and know another one who has just been diagnosed with cancer in their 30's who also has 2 kids.

I just want DH and I to be there until kids 18, until they are independent and won;t have to go into the care system.

I also feel that I have disadvantaged kids, and have thought maybe I shouldn't have become a parent because this is not normal, was this selfish of me?However therapist said, "well it's kids normal and they don't know any better, as long as you do your best and try to keep being a good parent, that's all you can do." And she is right, it is their normal. If kids have raised it we just say every family is different, which is true and talk about the different types of families and that's been enough to satisfy them.

Overall it's just a case of trying to hold on with no support.

Unless someone is in this unique position, I have found they don't understand.

@GiantPigeon

I find people who have an abundance of family say hallmark like comments "your friends are your family" or "you make your own family" which I just don't think is the case, it's not the same.

I completely agree. I’ve been without family since my dad died when I was 21, and our relationship was very difficult to begin with. However, I felt loved and supported by him from a distance and he was the first person I called after a car accident. He was always someone I could turn to. Despite the many friendships I’ve had since that have come and gone, I’ve never felt like any of them were family or have considered me family, and in most cases I’ve felt like they’ve taken far more from the friendship than I have. Yes, it was nice to have friends, but it’s really nothing like the same and I don’t think people understand that unless they’ve been in this position. It’s like having no anchor, a sense of being homeless.

To support myself I have a good long standing relationship with a private therapist and in cases like a car accident I drop her a text to book in for a session or two and she sees me with a few days. I take normally less than 5 sessions a year, just when I need some high quality support, wisdom and guidance. I can't buy family but I can buy support for myself and that will have to do.

This is a really good idea and something I might look into. Sometimes I just need someone to validate my feelings otherwise I go inwards and start having unhealthy thoughts. It’s my birthday soon which I hate because I mostly spend them alone. A so-called friend and I were supposed to be going out for dinner for it a couple of years back and she cancelled on me a couple of hours before, because she said she felt tired. Last year I was supposed to be meeting Flaky Friend but she contacted me in the morning to say her back hurt so could I go to her instead. She asked me to drive her to Asda to help with her shopping, the day was pretty much all about her. It’s hard going through life feeling expendable to everyone.

For anyone in this position, please feel free to PM me. It’s awful there’s so many of us.

I was an abused child, so although I had a family they were also my abusers. The aunties and uncles colluded with them to keep the police away and so I really had nowhere to turn as a child.

What helped me?

I went to a church nearby every week to pray and joined the choir - there I came across the kindest people you could hope to find and felt a deep sense of belonging.

I developed deep connections with friends and friends families, they too brought love and joy to my life and relief.

I found older people in my neighbourhood and felt a connection with them.

Once older:

I have older friends that are a blessing and have wisdom
I have made many friends through hobbies and been vulnerable about who I am.

I had a big family that fills my heart, my children will have each other when we are gone.

I volunteer and am a big part of my community. I feel valued where I live.

I have an amazing therapist that gets me through every Christmas and birthday when I am triggered

@tamaribest I've already answered this. He does speak the same language, but if you had bothered to read the thread, you would know that. You haven't provided any constructive feedback; instead, you've insulted me and other posters by asking for more clarification on a very delicate subject from me and others. Yes, we did offer to pay for everything, but they didn't show up for the taxi from their house to the appointment, if you really want to know. I don't need to explain further about my situation if all you're going to respond with is rudeness. I can't reply to everything because I'm working.

Yes best to not comment further you're right. Please read my OP. Have a fantastic day!

I'd love to know how all these posters have managed to make friends who are just as close and loving as family. Maybe they do have close family as well and have never had to put the differential to the test.

Or maybe their family are shit? It’s very common. I’d take close friends over rubbish family any day.

There are a lot of lonely people in the world. I am one of them. There’s just me and my husband. Our nearest family is 7000 miles away. No emergency contacts here either.

I had friends here for a while, but they all had kids then moved away. Once the kids appeared the writing was on the wall anyway, I realised one day that in six months of meeting up not one of them had asked me a single question about how I was doing. So I can understand the poster who steers clear of people with kids.

I work, volunteer, joined a gym, etc, but no friends. My colleagues are nice and we can have a laugh but there’s no real socializing outside of work. I’m trying to become comfortable with just being friendless but it is hard.

I went through similar OP. I have no family that I’m in contact and DH’s family are at the other side of the world but no language barrier. DH worked long hours and I had 3 under 5 with occasionally my DSS only a couple years older thrown into the mix, it was hard going and I craved ‘grandparents’ for my DC. Fast forward 20 years and I have amazing friends but all 121 rather than a group. These were all formed around primary school or such. Mine and DH’s social life is now mainly focussed around our 4 DC and their partners.
you get out what you put in….good luck

OP, I think many people feel like you. Facebook, MN, LinkedIn, gym classes etc give the illusion of human contact, but it's all v superficial

I think that you need to put in a lot of effort over a prolonged period to form really meaningful friendships. But it can be done

Also, think about what you can do for other people eg invite a single colleague over one Friday night, and friendship might grow from there

Could you as a family go & visit your H family?

I’d say many people have no one, that’s why they spend so much time online. Or sometimes online chat’s more suitable for people. You can nip in & out whenever you like, but without any strings. There’s lots of bitchin’, it can be quite sad, & also entertaining.

Consider having a large family but less money. I think it would benefit you and your Dd long term as when you are old and frail she will still have someone to support her, and you will have had busy noisy family occasions all your life.
It’s easier said than done. But It takes literally years to forge the deep connections you need for someone to be your surrogate family. It takes a long long time to know someone through and through like that.
It’s only family or seriously close friends who would put your happiness before their own, which is what you need from time to time.
Really think if you can cut back at all financially to have a larger family.

I think this is a hard one OP. I get the fear about children missing out, I had a very insular upbringing myself and it does cause problems.
As a person without family nearby I've decided to try my best to go against my introverted tendencies and pursue social relationships anywhere I can.

The two things I've had to try to accept is that I will always be up against the trend of people only making time for "their little family" and that even if I overcome that one most of my relationships will still feel very uneven with me being the more dependent party. These aren't always easy things to accept.