To feel down that we have no one

[Echo21]

My DH and I are without extended family nearby. I have no blood relatives other than our DD and we are both in our early 30s. His family resides on the other side of the world, and due to language barriers and distance, they are not involved in our lives. This isn't about needing help with childcare or wanting a break (even though childcare costs around 2250 a month in our area), because I know we consciously chose to have children. However, I can't help but feel a sense of sadness because our daughter doesn't have anyone else who truly cares about her besides us.

Initially, some friends visited us after DD was born, but that quickly tapered off. There have been no gifts or cards for her, and the same lack of recognition extends to us—there were few congratulations or ongoing support.

Looking ahead, it saddens me that DD will not have extended family gatherings or extended holiday traditions unless she gains a sibling. While we do have friends, the connection doesn't feel the same. Sometimes I myself, long to have someone to confide in, seek advice from, or share in my accomplishments, or just pop round to and feel like we have a "place" to be other than home. I've gone through every milestone in my life—my wedding, graduation, new jobs—without anyone who saw me grow up celebrating with me, reminiscing childhood, and now I see the same pattern for DD. I never want her to experience this loneliness.

I understand that family can't be conjured up, and friendships, no matter how long-standing, can't always replace the bond of blood relations. And if they do, they can it takes years to build up to that level. For a long time, I've settled for superficial friendships, lacking in quality and depth, and as soon as children come into the picture they're too busy with their own extended family. Meet-ups happen months in advance, as their calendars are full with "x's 60th, their nieces baptism, y's family gathering"

I've hit rock bottom with no one to put down as an emergency contact. All I want is someone to give me a hug, make me a brew, tell me I'll be alright, and say they're proud of me, even if it's just over the phone. Since I turned 18, I've had to tough it out alone, and while I'm grateful for my DH it's tough. Sure, I can make friends and build a support network, but what I really need is someone I can dial up at a moment's notice. AIBU or do I need to put my big girl pants on?

This isn't guaranteed though is it. You only have to look at the amount of NC posts on here to see that.

OP, do you have Meetup groups where you are?

Agreed. I cut my sister off for good following her behaviour during my life and especially during out mothers illness and death. I'm done. I'm never speaking to her again.

Siblings can be the worst relationships imaginable.

Thank you @Echo21 – what a difficult way to grow up. You must be a very resourceful person to have gotten away from them and be here today with your own family. It’s completely understandable that you’re sad for your daughter. I think you’re going to find a way to turn this around and give her a much bigger community than you had.

Even though its been her experience?

Loads of people don’t have day to day family support. My parents aren’t massively interested, I’m an only child, DH’s family are abroad, we’ve done stints as expats. So I get it, especially the bit about emergency contacts! But don’t give up on friends. There will be loads of people in a similar boat. Of my local friendship group none of us have family we could reliably call, so we help each other out. You just need to find your tribe.

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. I can relate. I have a tiny, dysfunctional family and none are within 200 miles. I message my sister and ask how she is but she rarely asks me how I'm doing. I'm single and have children but no close friends here due relocation. I was on good terms with my ex until recently but now don't even have that. I have a surgery coming up and no one to put as a contact or to drive me home afterwards. On top of that, my neighbours are either unfriendly or unpleasant. I get very lonely.

I'm trying to build up friendships but it takes time. You're not alone.

I envy you.
Nothing worse than being saddled with people who feel entitled to your own time, energy and life.

We're in the same boat. We just have to get on with it on our own. It is the way it is.

I get it op, this is how I feel. I'm thinking I need to get out there and try and make some new friends, join interest groups etc.
Friends from my teens and 20's either moved away or we drifted as we changed as we got older. I'd really like some /
a close friend, not just acquaintances met through having dd and saying hi to in passing.

The crazy thing is I do though, I do have blood family that live within a 30 min drive, my brother- and my dd has 2 cousins a similar age. My db is v high flying and we're very ordinary, he's just not interested in us and we haven't seen each other for 6 months. I've tried so many times but they're always busy with their many friends and social lives, including the kids, so dd hasn't seen her cousins for 6 months either. Sil has never been keen on any relationship with us either, I've given up trying. It's really sad and gets me down.

Dm and df are elderly and in increasingly poor physical health, df has signs of dementia. Dm and I don't get on, I have always been the let down and my db her golden child. I can see them often as I find her exhausting and always come away feeling deflated and often triggers an episode of anxiety and panic.

So yeah, the blood family I have aren't people I'm close to sadly (though I love df
dearly, dm doesn't let me get close). Dh's family all live far away.

I really empathise op, I'm hoping I can meet new people and would love to make a good friend one day, just someone to talk to and do things with. I know not exactly the same situation but I understand how you feel

My best friend is an only dc.
She only had her dm growing up and her dh is an only too and his parents died when he was still in his 20’s.

She moved to a small village with a good primary school and she and her dh integrated themselves into the community.
They had 3 dc and are always busy with whatever is going on in the village. They and their dc have made lasting friends.

Her dc are very happy and I don’t think they feel lacking in family.

I think it is so hard to feel as you do but not unusual. My closest friends now are those I have made over the years at the school gate. Some now live far away and it takes real effort to keep them going. I think that you have time to build a community around you but it may never be at the depth you want but it can be enough to support you. Be open to building friendships however they come to you.

Does your husband not speak the same language as his family?

It is hard, there's no doubt about it.

Here's what i'd do in your position:
Contact Homestart and explain you have no support. They will put you in touch with someone - often an older woman who has had children, who will look in once a week for exactly what you say you want - a cup of tea, a chat, a hug, a bit of companionship and help with the business of raising children.

If you have faith, get involved with your local church, mosque or temple. I only know about churches but they are a huge support to young families if you pick the right church. I presume mosques and temples might be similar. An in-built church family offers you people to chat to about family life, invites to picnics and dinners and family days out, Dads groups and mums groups and marriage support groups.

Also, I would decide to try to connect with DH's family. Teach your DC some of his language. Get on Zoom if you can and get DC to say hi, to send them drawings etc and save up/plan to visit them occasionally so DC know that aspect of their culture and more importantly, those family members.

I totally get what you say. I am an only child. Both my parents are dead, as are my grandparents, all of my parents' brothers and sisters and my only cousins are in Australia and New Zealand and I hardly know them- have never met most of them. I have a much older cousin in London but we only see each other every two or 3 years and he is single and has a very busy life down there.

DH has a sister who is NC with the whole family- lives in the Scottish Highlands.

His parents moved to the north-east of England to be near us and they are lovely.

But I have no one to talk to about my parents, my childhood, my grandparents, what we did, what we remember, the past of my family. I grew up surrounded by aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents -lots of events, holidays, stories about the past. It has all gone and I feel bereft. But it's how it is.

My DC never met my parents. DH never met my dad. He only knew my mam when she was elderly and increasingly frail so doesn't know how lively and vivacious and what a doer she was. He doesn't understand because he still has his parents and a grandma (who lives with them). He thinks I am now part of all of that and that's fine-they are lovely people. But it just wipes out my family and my past. It's such a lonely thing.

We have good friends but they are close to their families and they are not my family. Our DC ask about my parents sometimes and we look at photos and I talk about them but they are just images to them, not real.

Our DC will have each other- there are 3 of them and that's really why I agreed to have 3- I would never have wanted an only child.

Firstly - your husband’s distant family. You don’t say what their financial situation is but unless they’re in the midst of war and famine surely between you, you could conjure up an iPad and WhatsApp connection for regular video calls? Your husband doesn’t have a language barrier - it’s up to him to share and facilitate such communication. Because you’re right - it’s good for children where possible to feel part of a wider clan.

I do wonder, @Echo21 whether, because you’ve been forced to do without family relationships through adulthood, you can’t see the point in making an effort with this in case it doesn’t work out? Though the effort must really come from your husband.

No matter how dire current circumstances might be, you might as a couple begin to make a plan - even if years in advance - to bring even one of his family to visit you for a short time. That would be a joyful thing to look forward to for all of you.

Secondly, I second the poster who suggested godparents for your children. (Every religion must have something equivalent? And you don’t even have to be religious, just amenable to gathering for a ceremony with friends you have made and intend to keep close. Obviously godparents can be hit and miss but just one good one can make a difference to a child’s life.

I’ve spent about a third of my life with all my family on different continents to me. It’s hard - and I would have given anything to have had the internet back then. Honestly - give yourself a shake and start making an effort to connect with people; it will make all your lives richer and more playful.

My emergency contact ended up being my mum an hour and a half away! They insisted I put someone and couldn’t comprehend I didn’t have anyone. my brother is in another country 11 hours away by plane and pil are 5 hours away. That said, we have no drama in our family so there’s pluses.

The grass is always greener on the other side, people with often wouldn't mind going without.

I don't think its unreasonable to be upset but I think its more because of the conclusiveness in that area of your life rather than anything else.

Not unreasonable at all to be upset by this OP, I would be too. I come from a huge family and I can’t honestly imagine being without any of them so I really do feel for you!

This is just not true for most people. I have a small family but I don't feel like I'm saddled with them at all. We support each other, and spend time together. It is a very positive thing for me.

She specifically says that she does have friends but if she were saying that neither her or her partner have any friends would this be a kind or helpful response?

And if you dislike them so much, why don't you just cut them out of your life?

I think this is a sad but common situation. My DH and I have our parents but not particularly close. I almost never see my siblings (and never any other extended family). I often think about how different life must have been even 50 years with big extended family groups supporting one another.

My Uni friends are all spread out (and admittedly, we have all grown and changed). Pre-COVID I was feeling lonely and isolated. However for the past 2-3 years, I have put a HUGE amount of effort into making local friends and it has changed my life. I know my neighbours, I joined a gym and made local friends, school helped - and now I have lots of people I could call on in good times and bad. It’s been hard work at times, I’ve had to get outside of myself, be a bit more emotionally robust but I’m so happy now.

How old is your child? It’s tricky when they are young but as they get older, you will make friends, you will have time for people and hobbies. See it as a good investment of your time, understand that it takes years, but starts with a small thing “hi”, “how old is so and so”, “let’s meet for coffee”, “come round for a play date”. We have two kids and not that you always get to choose, but I like them having each other. Good luck, you can do it.

I was just the same as you. I had 2 children and a step daughter. Our saddest Christmas was 3 of us sitting in front of the TV after cooking a tiny dinner. Now our full set is 15, we have had to buy extra chairs, crockery etc. It's chaos. They have all also added nice in laws to the group. Don't despair it will get better. And don't get too bogged down with worry about money and childcare. There's always a way, no one has ever said that they are starving to pay the bill

You sound so sad, and I’m really sorry for you.

I have a friend who lost both her parents in quick succession, and has no other family. She’s built herself a group of friends who are like family. Their bonds are so strong. It takes time and a hell of a lot of effort but it can be done.