Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

Sounds like you're trying to correct and compensate for your own perceived 'poor life choices' by reliving your life through the life of your neice. Just hope the meddling and overbearing interference in her life ends now or you'll very likely alienate her forever.

Briefly, I agree with this and other, similar comments.

@Corianm OP I feel you are getting a bit of an unfair bashing.

Whilst it is untimely your niece's choice as to how her future plans out now, I can understand your (silent, to your family) disappointment in how her life is no longer going to take the path she once dreamed/talked about.

Obviously, as you know, this doesn't mean to say she won't do all or some of the things she dreamed about, or that her life is effectively ruined. She is just on a different path now. Hopefully this new path will still bring her all the joy and fulfilment that she felt her other dreams may have brought her, but I agree that such a change in trajectory is going to be daunting.

All you can do is keep supporting her and be happy for this new journey as you seem to be doing (and there is absolutely nothing wrong in coming onto an anonymous forum to express your concerns, that kind of is the whole point in these forums).

I get it OP. If any of my kids was in this situation at 19yo, be it sons or daughters, I would have been utterly gutted. I’d be supportive as ‘compulsory’ but honestly I’d be gutted, and now looking back at what some of them have achieved between 19yo and now (and I have some still ‘in process’) I do believe that would have been the right reaction for me to have. I’m sure DH would have felt the same and still would from a retrospective perspective.

I don’t know if I’d say ‘throwing their life away’ but it’s definitely not the live they could/should have had.

OP, you have two choices here. You can grieve for the life your niece may or may not have ever brought to fruition, or you can celebrate the life she is creating and offer her support. Neither choice is likely to alter the route she has chosen, but one will give you far greater prospects for a good continued relationship with her.

If the man she is with treats her well, then try to look kindly on him. It's a rare man in his late teens or early twenties who will enthused about the joys of art galleries; that doesn't make him a bad person. Neither does working for his father; family-run businesses are a grand tradition. Is he KIND to her? Does he intend to be a good father and partner? If so, then there is room for joy here.

It is hard when young people make choices that are different from those we would have made for them. My DD is a very talented artist, who has always talked about studying art and going to live in New York or California to practice her craft. She sat down with me a few weeks ago to tell.me that she's really into her baking hobby right now, and is thinking of pursuing a career as a pastry chef instead. Is it what I would have picked for her? No, probably not. If she chooses to go that route, does it mean her life is over? Absolutely no. It means that adult she is becoming has different dreams than the child she was, and that's really true for most of us. And that's okay.

I get it op I really do, if my DD was your niece then I wouldn’t be happy either. However, her ambition was just talk with which you’re imagination has run away. If she really is as ambitious as you’ve portrayed her to be, then she will find a way to achieve the things that she wants. Yes, children will make it much much harder but not impossible.

I thought she had taken her own life too. Was going to.offer some condolences and advice 2.5 yrs on after happened to partner.

I think you're getting a hard time on here, too, OP.

I was a teenaged mother and everyone thought I was throwing my life away, too.
And they were right, in a way. I lost so many life chances.
Saddled myself with an unsuitable (and, as it turned out, violent) husband, followed by a period when I was homeless and penniless.

It took years to get back on track, resuming my education and building a career, getting together with a good man, etc, which in turn made a better life for me and the DC.

Of course, I wouldn't change having my DC and we managed to have a good life after jettisoning the (not D) H. And there were other opportunities and interesting times that came along. But there is no denying it was a harder road.
I wouldn’t wish it for any young person in my family, either.

Agreed and I at 36 when I had done my share of travel, and was well rooted in my career. I still think this post is awful.

From the other side, I had kids young and my grandma in particular was devastated.

She felt I was throwing away the possibility of a great career and that as an intelligent woman I should have chosen the career.

It really upset me that she was devastated. I'm old now and I have never had a glittering career but I had a career I enjoyed and where I made a difference to people's lives which was what I wanted to do.

I only ever had the one birth, twins, and they are wonderful people and my family mean a lot to me.

My grandma had been made to resign from a civil service job in the days when married women couldn't work in the civil service and I think that coloured her attitude.

@Corianm I do get where you're coming from although expressing it very dramatically which has put people's backs up.

If all you have said is true about the culture in her boyfriend's family then I would be concerned about the future she is going to have.

Not because she's having a child because people can go to uni, travel, move, have amazing careers etc with children but that would take supportive partners who might share those ambitions or family who can help.

People can get defensive all they like but I think it's reasonable to be concerned that a 19 year old appears to now have a very different future mapped out to what she had wanted.

I’m shocked at home much of a hard time you’ve had on here. Actually yes she is going to be giving up a lot to have a baby at 19 and she will be throwing away the life many of her peers will be having. I certainly wouldn’t want that for my own children. Let’s be absolutely honest now- the chances are she’s tying herself into childcare or at best low paid work etc for the next decade at least rather than getting an education and giving herself opportunities. With cost of living what it is it doesn’t exactly sound like the boyfriend is in a particularly stable job to afford childcare.

There isn’t necessarily an ideal time to have children but no-one will ever be able to convince me that having a baby at 19 is a good idea in the circumstances.

How do you know this isn’t what she wants?

YANBU I’d be devastated too, she really has thrown her life away.

She will still be young enough to travel the works if she desires when her child is grown. I'm assuming you have no kids Having a baby isn't the end of the world you know.

I understand you OP, I would feel the same, but I’ll leave you with this one. 100% true.

when I was at school there was a girl there, she was so clever she was mind blowing, and this was a grammar school. She was from a large, poor family, a bit scruffy and quiet. We all thought she would go places she was so bright.

Just as we were leaving school (I left at 16’ we found out she was pregnant, she wasn’t a friend, but I was gutted, thinking what a waste of an amazing brain.

Many years later I read in our local tiny town paper that she was starting a new job as some fancy nuclear scientist in the US, her (3) children spoke of how proud of her they were.

I admit, I cried.

I think there is alot of snobbery in your thinking.
Firstly this 19 year old lad is working, he is a apprentice learning a skill/trade, when he gets older he will earn a lot more money, as for 19 and living with parents, have you not kept up with the news, alot of young people in their 20's live with parents to try to get a foot on the housing ladder.
I am older than alot of mumsnetters, I have a 19 year old Grandson, he got good GCSE results but did not want to go to do A levels or go to University, he is apprentice doing a high level of engineering. He goes to pubs and likes football, he has also got a 19 year old girl friend who is training to do teaching. They are good together and have ambition.
Also I have a long term partner who loves all sports which I find tedious but I go out and do something that I enjoy.
Your niece sounds lovely and has made her choice, good for her. I would look at yourself because you are quick to look down on others.
I would agree with you if this 19 year old is feckless,not working, has addictions but he is not. I would be interested on her Mothers take on this.
I know you are supportive but all you can do is support her decision and not show any disapproval.

I would be horrified too if this was my daughter OP. I don’t care if that sounds dramatic.

You’re disappointed.

Not her.

This is all about you.

Perhaps, with family support she could still go to university? Her life doesn't need to stop and nor does she need to be a SAHP.
Equally, the young man her boyfriend is today, is not the man that he will be forever. People
change, mature and develop. My DH had zero ambition when we met, he followed me abroad not quite knowing what would happen, and whilst it was hard in parts, he has done very well for himself. I have no doubts that if we had stayed in the UK, he would not have taken the path he has.

Your DN will be under 40 when this child becomes an adult, and they can both go off and do things. She will know who she is as a person and can still have a great life! I live in Europe, and there are some great opportunities for both single people and families available out there. I studied with the OU, (I even took the books into hospital with me for the birth of DC2, as I had something due a week later).

Her biggest obstacle is Brexit, not a baby and a boyfriend who at this point in time doesn't have a global vision. Her biggest asset is a family who support her through the early years and welcome this child with loving, open arms.

I’m tempted to name the London estate niece spent the majority of her childhood living on. Maybe then people will understand why I am scared for her. I don’t have the privilege of optimism. I know what she’s up against.

You may also be able to tell I’m dyslexic. I’ve cringed at some of the things I’ve typed, as yes, it has come across quite dramatic and ott. I struggle to put into words exactly what I’m feeling. Hence why I’ve missed the mark.

I’m with you OP. So young and the world is a big , exciting place. Plenty of time for a family. Babies toddlers children teens are all hard graft, yes rewarding etc But your life is never the same and that total freedom u have is over. Not forever but bur def for the next 20 years. I’d not want that for my 2 DC

What a pile on!

The pregnancy is unplanned. So it's not her dream or grand plan. It's something that has happened and she is making the best of.
As some PP have said this now makes her life more difficult if she does want to achieve the things like uni or travel. Is it impossible? No and there's lots of people who manage it but it ain't easy. And defaulting into a SAHM role because you have no other options (DP and family expectations etc) rather than that being a decision you actively chose is also a shame. Because the OP is worried that this niece won't be given a choice and will be expected to down down this road. That's not being negative on teenage pregnancy and traditional roles, it's saying that she's disappointed that the niece has default to this rather than made an active choice for it.
I agree OP. I'd be devastated if my DC had unplanned kids at that age, I'd support them and love them and do everything I could to help. But I would rather that having children were an active choice.

I would feel the same as you if someone in my family at 19 was pregnant. Very disappointed for them.