Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

Is the babies father a farmer by any chance?

I'd be (privately) disappointed too OP.

I agree with op. The niece is now going to have a very different life and by all accounts has fucked up. No uni, no living in Italy, no travelling. Plus, a lazy unambitious boyfriend. I would be very disappointed.

Your title is a little dramatic unfortunately but I get it and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to feel that way. I'd be gutted too.

No idea why you’re getting harsh replies OP, no idea why everybody’s being so defensive and hostile to you - blunt truth is nobody would choose this for their child, or much loved family member.

😂😂😂

@JennyJenny8675309 Disagree, what is tiresome is posters assuming a disagreement is a pile on. Sorry some of us don't think disagreeing with the OP is a 'pile on'.

She hasn't been given a hard time, posting here she has asked for opinions and that's what she's been given.

As previously stated, OPs neice is an adult and shoukd be given full authority on her decisions. It's very fair to share these decisions and if she has choses what she wants to do the thats her choice and it should be respected, whatever your opinion on that is.

Time and time again (rightly) we are told 'our body, our choice' so when a woman makes that choice with all available options to her, we should respect it.

I personally don’t think it’s that serious but everyone in my family had children quite young (17, 19, 21 etc) and we all come from council estates and poor backgrounds. Having a baby will obviously change the trajectory of her life but it doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s doomed

I get it. She’d planned a future for herself that would have taken her off her estate and given her the opportunity for a million exciting opportunities. If art galleries are boring and all he wants to do is spend time in the pub with his mates while she stays home to be a mum and housewife, she’s not going to be taking the baby on a cultural tour of Italy, let alone live there. And if he has the same attitudes towards division of labour that his family do, she’ll be too tired to think straight, let alone learn Italian. You’re disappointed for her that she’s not going to have any of those experiences now.

I think you’ve had a really harsh response on here. I strongly suspect that 99% of the probably middle class posters who are telling you it’s a perfectly fine choice would have an absolute shit fit if their own daughter told them that they were chucking away their chance of getting a degree, seeing the world and having a good job that would pay enough for her to have a comfortable life so she has the choices her mum didn’t, and instead, was having a baby at 19 and staying with a man who’ll leave her with the drudgery while he pisses his £6 an hour up the wall.

Sadly, it’s done now. All you can do is accept her choice and be excited to meet this lovely little baby she’s going to have. But I think it’s only natural to feel the way you do.

Same as the majority of women throughout time then. I was 19 when I got pregnant, finished university as a single parent and have a very good career, it just took a little longer to get there. Having children young has a lot of positives.

God I hoped the world had moved on since I was told repeatedly 31yrs ago that I’d thrown my life away when I fell pregnant at 16. You know what, those words (from many) echoed in my ears when I was staying up late every night studying for my degree and later when going for promotions at work. My son didn’t ruin my life one bit, he enhanced it. Now my 3 kids have grown up (or nearly, youngest 16) I have me time again, I can travel, throw myself into my career or whatever I want to do. Who says you have to do it when you’re young? Good luck to your niece, I really hope no-one is saying this to her face as it’s really not nice. She sounds like a wonderful person and I’m sure she will be a wonderful mother.

You haven’t missed the mark op, it’s just a mumsnet pile on that means nothing.

I was once your niece and you’re right, life will be much harder for her. Can you speak to her and express your worries? Maybe that wouldn’t help, I’ve no idea . she can have kids and still have a great life. Maybe you can remind her of her teenage dreams sometime in the future when the time is right.

Being happy with all her younger step siblings perhaps led her to believe that having babies was the way to go for happiness.
You thought she was being kind to the younger ones she could see that was her path for a happy guture.

For all those saying she hasn't thrown her life away, well she has. Come on , she's tied down now when this should be the most exciting time of her life. Even if she had waited 5 years, at least it would have given her some time to grow and enjoy her life without all the seriousness of bills & responsibility. Her travel dreams are on hold now & even if she does go when she's older it won't be the same excitement & thrill as it would have been now.

Two of my sisters fell pregnant at 20, both unplanned. Both went on to Uni, and now have successful careers (midwife & secondary school director), now in their 30s/early 40s with teenagers/adult kids and are off exploring/travelling etc.

There is no set timeline to doing what you want in life. I’m 39 and only just having my first baby having travelled and established a career. Now I can’t work due to ill health. Everyone is different.

I think you’re being judgmental about his family there could be all sorts of reasons why some of them don’t work. Her partner doesn’t like art galleries and goes the pub - so what! Everyone’s interest are different.

I’d suggest you be fully supportive of her becoming a parent, act excited and be there for her if she needs you.

And it also has a lot of negatives.

The niece was excited to share her news so is obviously pleased about the change in direction her life has taken, but if you’ve done it yourself, you know that she’s going to be missing out on a lot of the chances and experiences that her peers are getting and that it’s going to be tough for her. Something that was going to take hard work is now going to take really bloody hard work. And if the boyfriend sticks around, it doesn’t sound like he’s the type to support her or encourage her to go back to it.

THIS. I love that story.

This is all your projection - please dont express these negative feelings to her. If she takes on the view she has "chucked her life away" then that will be the narrative she carries with her and it doesnt lead to anything good.

I get it OP. If my own dd had got pregnant just before going to uni I'd have been gutted for her.

Has she looked into deferring her place/looking at uni closer to home? Has she mentioned whether she wants to make it work with uni or just binned the whole plan?

I don't know. I could describe my 18 yo daughter similarly to the OP's niece.

If she announced she were pregnant, I'd certainly be disappointed. She'd never know and I'd love and support her as best I could but, yes, I want 'more' for her as a young adult than motherhood.

I feel your pain.
Yes, being pregnant at 19 in this day and age is a terrible waste of opportunity, but she is being led by her hormones and hrr heart, neither of which are stable until you're about 76 years old!
She will eventually work out that this propably wasn't the live she ennisioned, and will need a lot of support fro family.
I suspect you are frustrated at this waste, because it is; nothing against kids, just that today, a woman shouldn't feel she has to produce a small person when so young and unrounded.
She is a fool, but clearly a lvely one.
God help her when she wakes up. Be there for her then!

You sound like some of my family when I fell pregnant at 19. But it didn't stop me from going to uni, or getting a career or seeing the world.
You appear to have an old fashioned view of looking at things. My baby has now graduated and my youngest is at uni. Would I have been upset if they were to become parents young? No, because it didn't stop me from doing anything, and I wouldn't have let it stop them either.

Same!

I think you posted at the wrong time of day OP, hope you’ll get more reasonable ones. I’d initially be very very disappointed if this was my niece.

@Corianm I get it, I would feel exactly like you.

I agree. You and your nice didn’t come from a privileged background. But your niece wanted to experience the world, travel, go to uni. She was buying kitchen supplies for her university apartment less than a month ago!

Now she’s pregnant and you’re afraid she’ll be stuck. That fear is made worse by the fact that her boyfriend (?) is from a fairly conservative family and doesn’t seem to encourage your niece’s ambitions or interests.

What are your niece’s current plans?
yes, it’s very likely her life will be harder. But that’s life. The support of her family is crucial now. Is she still planning on going to uni?

I do understand your disappointment. I would be too if it was one of my DCs. However one of my good friends had a baby at a similar age.
She didn’t go to university but has worked hard and has a good career, her child is an adult now and she is free to do whatever she pleases in her early 40’s so she’s packing in the travel and the qualifications that she didn’t get to do in her 20’s. Your niece can still do whatever she wants to do if she has the drive to do it. FWIW my friends (now ex) husband wasn’t supportive either