Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I think you are being given a very hard time here, OP. Sounds like you and I are of similar backgrounds - in my case I was the first (only) one to go to university, as my family members left school at 16 and typically became parents in their later teens. In your shoes I'd be so disappointed that your niece has chosen to make her life so much smaller than it needed to be. I can completely understand that you want more for her than just - yes, just - motherhood, at her age.

No doubt you'll continue to be regaled by tales of MNtters who popped out three kids by age 19 and still managed to get their Oxbridge Ph.D. before running a FTSE 100 business. Good for them. The chances are vanishingly small that your niece will do this, especially if she's saddled herself with an unambitious lad. I get it completely.

Yes, and they grew up outside of the UK, giving an extra hurdle to jump. Seeing as you said she's already been accepted to courses, i'm sure she has the capability to return to uni at a later date if she'd like to.

edit: quoted wrong post but still by OP

I thought you were going to say she had ended her own life!!
Of course she hasn't thrown her life away.
She's your niece and you have mapped her life out for her
Judgemental and dramatic much?
Keep your nose out before you say something you'll regret.

There are a lot of Pollyannas on this thread.

She is not married to the father (it appears). She is 19. Most unmarried couples who have a baby are no longer living together by the time the child is 15 and most women who have babies young don't end up staying with the father long-term either, so putting those two statistical realities together, the odds that this is going to last don't seem very high. She has given up on the idea of university. Most likely, she is going to end up as a single mother with few career prospects, or treading the difficult path of trying to study and build her career while caring for a young child. It's not the end of the world, but it's not ideal either.

Saying "Not everyone wants to travel" "Not everyone wants to go to university" is fair enough. But it doesn't sound like those were this young woman's preferences from the start, does it? It sounds like she's met a guy and has dropped everything she previously wanted for his sake. That's not great, is it? And again, it further pushes down the odds that this relationship is going to last.

Not a lot the OP can do right now except smile and say "How wonderful, I'm happy for you." But I hope she will maintain good relations with her niece and support her when the wheels start falling off the cart.

Congrats on the baby, no?

@Corianm think a few women were offended and replied early on and set the ridiculous tone of the thread.

THIS
She can still study / uni / travel just later.
Sounds like she loves children so this has probably always been her plan.

As do I, but to be honest there was a lot more privilege. Their husbands were hard working, and had good jobs, and valued that their wife had been at home with dc from very young so was 100% there to support them to achieve their goals when the dc were a little older, they are a good team.

Niece and I have a special connection. I’m quite a bit younger than her mum but was often given babysitting responsibilities.

No one else really cared about exams in the family. Niece stayed with me for revision sleepovers where I helped her study/reassured her when she got overwhelmed. She could have easily sacked off education but she chose not to.

Peak Mumsnet. DN has thrown her life away because she is pregnant with a man who doesn’t like art galleries.

Did you read the bit where I said he lives with his parents and earns £6/hour.

Two more points:

1. Having a child young within a relationship that is unlikely to work out long-term curtails your future dating prospects a lot, honestly. A lot of men will not date a woman with children; trying to date those who are prepared to date a woman with children can be a minefield - worry about perverts, the fact that many of the men who are prepared to date a single mother will be divorcees with kids of their own and then you have blended family crap to deal with... The alternative, of course, is spending many years not having any relationship, which is not what most women in their 20s are dreaming of.

2. If a woman with no post-18 qualifications becomes a mother and then a single mother, from her family's point of view it tends to become a choice between "letting your daughter end up with zero career prospects" vs "considerable burden on grandparents." A daughter of my mum's friend did end up going to uni and having a successful career after a youthful relationship that ended in single-motherhood. But it meant that my mum's friend was doing SO much childcare and 24/7 support for years on end. It was really tough.

I'm just trying to give some background on why many of us would feel disappointed if the above situation happened to a close family member we are fond of.

Don't know why you bought art galleries into it. I'm council trash and still love them 🤣

I don't really understand why you or other posters think people are being disingenuous or not though? No matter her age or any other opinion you have on her, she's pregnant, she wants to keep it.

All you can do is offer an open place to talk and give advice.

The father of the baby may be great or shit but if she wants to keep it she'll keep it. What good is judging her, saying 'her life is over' etc. when the decision is made by her?

Yes maybe certain life choices may be limited but as a close family member such as yourself, all you can offer is support. It really is pretty horrible of previous posters to suggest all she can get now is local unis and no further opportunities when i've seen this isn't the case. We as women should stick together and encourage the best of each other. Don't limit her options because that's the stereotype.

It'll be hard for her, but don't let her think it's impossible or she won't strive for more. Now is the most important time for her to realise this shouldn't completely limit her.

I fear that you're right. I come from a large, WC family - every single one of my female cousins on one side was pregnant by 18, and every single one of them is now scraping a living in a minimum wage job (or on benefits) to pay the rent. Their lives are, incredibly, even smaller than that of our parents at our age. Teenage parenthood, particularly to low-income people, is absolutely devastating to their future prospects, regardless of the love they have for their children.

I have to step away from this thread. Luckily my niece is just an abstract concept to you all so the abandonment of her ambitions are of no consequence

I'm sorry, OP. I can imagine how devastated you must be.

That’s it exactly. If the title was, “AIBU to think that my niece’s career ambitions will be more difficult now she’s pregnant?” or “AIBU to wish my niece had gone to university before getting pregnant?”, then I’d be saying, yeah, I get where you’re coming from. It’s always nice to be able to get education and travel done when you don’t have the responsibility of kids yet.

But instead, it’s chucking her life away, as though the niece’s life is over now and there’s no longer any hope. And as if a healthy, intelligent adult woman having a baby she’s excited about is some kind of horrible fate.

I'm sorry OP - I think you've been unfairly given a hard time here.

There are so many threads on mumsnet written by women who are tied to useless men because they have children with them. I think it's a fair concern that this might happen to OP's neice.

Perhaps he will step up. It's possible.

Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that

I think that's exactly what you have done. It also sound like you have been living through her. It's all a bit weird.

Saying that, getting pregnant a 19, especially to a bloke who sounds like a loser, is hardly anything to be thrilled about. I think she's an idiot if she doesn't have a termination.

Her post hit a nerve with me and I had mine at 28 and 31.

I think it’s totally fine for OP to be concerned about the difficulties this may bring to her niece’s life. But I also think it’s insulting to act as though being a young mother is “chuck[ing] her life away,” and fatalistic to act as though her niece can no longer do anything but raise children.

Whatever could your niece see in this absolute cretin?

Unless he's in his late 30s, perhaps you could give this young man just a tiny bit of leeway to not be an absolute fuck-up for life, like you clearly now think your niece is.

"abandonment of her ambitions"

Still bringing the drama.

I agree with this. Another MN pile-on. It’s tiresome. 🙁

I totally agree, I would be devastated if my daughter or niece threw away a potentially brilliant future for this.

I'm so sorry to hear this is her choice, please be there to pick up the pieces should she need you to in the future, I can imagine disappointment or resentment may grow.

If she remains happy than that is also great. I really hope this turns out to be the case.