Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I would feel the same as you OP - for anyone having children so young. My DS and his girlfriend, both 20, had a slip-up recently. I am so pleased and relieved that they chose to terminate without hesitation as soon as they knew (and that he chose to tell me).

I can understand the defensiveness of people who've had children young too of course. But they are looking at your niece's situation from a skewed perspective. I honestly doubt anyone would say parenthood is a perfect or ideal thing to do with your life as a 19 year old.

So you are basically saying she should have an abortion/adoption and carry on with her plan.
She most likely didn't plan for this - but life changes.
Should could not be pregnant and never have children but still not end up travelling the world, learning Italian and setting up that business.
All 19 year olds have ideas of what they want to "do" - but life doesn't always go to plan.
Please don't ever make this future child aware of how you feel. Can you imagine growing up and being told "You ruined your mum's plans and she never did learn Italian".

Absolutely this. Her life, her choice, if she is happy and supported, then please can you not get behind it and be happy for her and enjoy and share what is to come. Being a parent at a young age isn't necessarily a bad thing. Apart from the career stuff, I think I would have made a better parent at 20 than 30, and certainly at 40. I've only recently stopped doing school runs, and I feel too tired now to do anything for myself. I don't regret any of it, but everyone does it differently. Embrace and enjoy xxx

So you are basically saying she should have an abortion/adoption and carry on with her plan.

Im not saying that all. Just wanted to express myself anonymously on a forum.

The father, who it sounds like she's in a relationship with, is an apprentice. Those are very portable qualifications. Of course as soon as you're in a relationship or have a child you have other things to think about than just yourself. It will change things but not necessarily for the worse.

Having a baby at 19 only made my life better and I have no regrets at all (I was with the father, still am). It didn't make my life harder. It didn't change the timeline of a few things but I was quite happy with that.

If niece is determined and has a vision, she can forge her own path. Yes, it might look different, but not necessarily worse.

From what I've seen of people who waited till later to have their children, I feel it was a good choice. Maybe it is for niece too?

@Corianm ok....let it out on this forum but please don't let these feelings out in real life towards your niece and her future baby.

A dream, not “her dream”. One person can have lots of dreams, and they can rise and fall in importance over time. Living abroad is one she may well still live in one way or another.

You’re acting like a schoolgirl dream is the same thing as a locked-in plan. There’s a world of difference between the two and most people’s lives do not follow a carefully mapped-out plan anyway.

My life didn’t go the way I would have imagined it at 18 (not because I had kids early - in fact I had them far later than I imagined I would) but in my late 40s, I feel very happy with how my life is.

Her life is her life to live, and it is not your place to decide that she’s made the wrong choice just because you wouldn’t make the same one. Your niece is not you. If she’s happy, your role is to find a way to be happy with her.

If she's excitedly reading parenting boards and sites, it might not be as anon as you think.

Well she was accepted on a university course which related to her ultimate area of interest. Specifically chosen as it had a year in industry. Had reached out to various companies she was interested in seeing if they supported this route.

This is not the pipe dream some are making out.

How misogynistic.

There are middle aged women on mumsnet moaning about how hard holidays are with toddlers or how they can't cope with a crying baby despite having enough money and help, yet everyone here thinks a 19 year old can just move a toddler to Italy by herself. Women with a house, a mortgage and savings accounts moaning they can't cope with a couple of kids and we all feel bad for all of them instead of telling them to get a grip. Lol, OK.

OP's post may be a bit dramatic in tone but this is a teenager. I'd be disappointed and sad for her too.

And there's plenty of well paid careers that cannot be established while having young kids. All this "she can study and work later" - yes, but it will be different. Her choices will be much more limited.

Kindly, it is her life and she has chose to do this with it. Every person has a different path to take and this is hers.

One of the best parts of life is that what is given to us is unexpected. Other people cannot decide what we do.

As long as she's happy in her decision you should support and be happy for her.

No life is linear, having a baby does not mean her life will be any less happier. The expectation we should do 'this' and 'that' is so restrictive. We are individuals and we shouldn't project our expectations onto others. Think of the world we'd live in if we all wanted the same thing. It would be pretty shit in my opinion. I wish her luck and happiness 🐣

You're being ridiculous. Even if it my own daughter I wouldn't be this dramatic about it.

Her life is on a different pathway yes, but unless this man is abusive then there's no need to be so over the top.

Wtf how did you get misogyny from my post? The word “schoolgirl”? Would it help you to know that I would use the word “schoolboy” just as readily?

If your niece is as determined and resourceful as
you say, I don’t understand why you think she’s just going to become a different person all of a sudden now that she’s due to become a mother.

I feel this thread is being really disingenuous for some reason.

And also to add - I know plenty of people who have had children go on to go to uni after and have very successful, independent careers

It couldn’t possibly be that you are being melodramatic and fatalistic could it.

Did these people grow up on rough estates?

I really get your disappointment, op. It is totally understandable. Your niece has somewhat curtailed her ambitions by getting pregnant so young. There is no shame in feeling sad about this whilst also welcoming the new addition with great happiness.

Maybe she wants kids more than she wants the career? She will have her own story that others may not know about.

Just because some middle aged mothers have trouble coping doesn't mean that she will. I coped extremely well while seeing older mothers struggle much more.

Ah well, I'm going out, because it's daytime where I am in this country I wanted to live in since I was a preteen, and moved to with the man I was too young to marry, and the kids I was too young to have.

You are getting a hard time but I get it. I would be devastated if my DD did this. I’d be supportive but to many women motherhood isn’t the be all and end all and I really believe your twenties should be for travel, fun, establishing yourself in your career - not tying yourself to a bloke who sounds average at best.

I think it’s highly unlikely everyone would be fine if this were their daughter. I wouldn’t be thrilled by this pregnancy at this age and I’d be very upset about the change in her plans. I’d be doing evyerthing I could to support her still going to university if that is what she’s always wanted to do. It’s even more important now that she establish a good career to meet her responsibilities as a parent, which include providing for her child. Her partner should be doing the same.

I don’t think it’s a disaster at all, there’s very few things you can really do that are disastrous and having a baby really isn’t one of them, but I think at least some of the posters claiming they’d be quite happy are not perhaps being entirely truthful.

As often, the first response is the best.

She might have thrown away "your" version of what her life should be like, but she is not you. I have always been an underachiever, and haven't spent any time travelling (didn't have a baby however) but I certainly don't consider I have thrown away my life and am perfectly happy.

Let her live her life as SHE pleases and you get on with your own.

There's no doubt this can happen but it is an uphill battle with children because their needs come first. It is easier establishing a career when one has less responsibilities. I don't think the op is wrong to feel a little disappointed.

This pregnancy is not planned. We had a look around IKEA for kitchen supplies for her to take to university not even 3 weeks ago.

It is

i would just hide it. People are spectacularly missing the point because the ‘right’ thing to say when a teen is pregnant is that their life isn’t over and there is still evening classes 🙄

absolute lol at the poster who said he has portable qualifications. As if he is going to move to palmanova and taken up plumbing there to support her dream with a baby.

no, her life isn’t over- but it will be heavily limited by having a child with a knuckle dragged at such a young age.

goodbye year in industry and travelling the world

hello taking whatever she can get at a local uni and trying to establish a career around doing the bulk of the childcare