To be annoyed DH’s niece is now coming on holiday with us

[Mossyroller]

MIL books two weeks at the same house on the same dates each year; her and FIL holidayed there every year till he died 4 years ago. Since then we have holidayed with her for one of the weeks as she doesn’t want to go on her own for the whole time.
We pay for our own flights and with 4 of us that’s not cheap, and we take her out/ generally organise stuff like trips/meals. (Things she wouldn’t do on her own). Flights were booked 9 months ago.

Niece (24) has just split from her boyfriend and DH tells me today that MIL has booked and paid for her flights to join us, and that she is staying for the 2 weeks.

Niece has only met DD3 once this last Christmas, and for some reason kept making DD cry (I think it was because she didn’t know her and was quite awkward with her?). She ignored or seemed frustrated with the children, made zero effort, didn’t contribute in anyway and clearly had zero interest in our family (which I do get a bit as she is a young adult now). To be honest I’d tried so hard over the years to keep in contact with her, have sent birthday cards/gifts, all to no acknowledgement, that after Xmas day I stopped and suggested DH maintained an effort which he hasn’t.

The holiday house has 3 bedrooms so apparently now DS14, is going to share a room with grandma (82), so Niece can have her own room. I think that’s a bit off?

It changes the dynamic as Niece doesn’t want to do the stuff we normally do. And MIL has always made it clear niece is the ‘golden’ grandchild.

I’m a bit miffed and DH doesn’t see it at all, he says it’ll just be what it is, that I’m being completely unreasonable, am I though?

She's got herself a solo room. Nana is paying for house. Daddy paid for her flights. She's not a woman is she.

It's a break-up love. Get a grip.

"Send DH and DS. They can have a week away and you can take your DD on little trips. If she's only 3, and the niece gets irritated by her, she and you won't have a good time anyway."

This seems like a good idea - if you can get a refund on the flights?

But poor OP loses her hollibobs!

If you don’t go op you know your dh will pay for everything for whoever is there… dn will have a great free holiday.

I'm hoping that OP is somewhat less wound up about this than many posters are. Because if she had the attitude of a lot of people here, I'd be hoping that grandma just withdrew her invitation.

One year my younger daughter didn't want to join us on our family holiday. She was very happy just staying home and hanging out with her friends. But her grandma invited her to join her and SIL and family on their holiday. DD happily joined them.
It didn't occur to me to check on the situation with SIL. We were already away when MIL made the offer.

It turns out that DD wangled the trip then. Who knew? And she wasn't even getting over a break up

Niece's mum?

JK

I agree DS sharing with grandma won’t work but what does he think? Isn’t there a put-me-up in the sitting room that would do. It’s only for a week. I wouldn’t be cancelling at this stage. I’d see how things went but if it turns out to be the disaster you envisage then I wouldn’t be going next year.

it's 2 weeks

Thing is, we don’t know that the Niece isnt prepared to pay her way - that’s an assumption, the OP seems annoyed that she’s going because she doesn’t pay her kids attention etc - what 24 year old would?

I’m not saying it’s not inconvenient for the OP to have her holiday plans changed at short notice but it’s a bit rich to be annoyed that her MIL has paid for her granddaughter to join them when she was happy enough for MIL to cover their accommodation costs too!

I wouldn’t even use a pretext, I’d be upfront with GM and say it’s totally inappropriate for ds to share with her, whilst two woman is fine! If she doesn’t want to do that, book accommodation without them! I’m so fed up with reading about men that can’t or won’t stand up to their mothers but expect their wives to put up and shut up!

Dh has never shared a room with any dc.. With a baby under 9 months only...

If the op pays for MIL when out what are the chances a 24 year old will pay for themselves.

Did SIL and everyone else have to scrunch up to accommodate your DD? Did people end up having to share with kids whereas they had previously had rooms to themselves?

I really feel for your son in this. I would not want to put him through it and I would get DH to telll his mother why it’s inappropriate. DH surely can remember what it’s like being a 14 yr old boy. I would book different accommodation for your son, you and your DH.

So DH can share with his mother, you can have ds in a twin with you. DD goes in with the golden child.

You do your own thing if DN doesn’t want to engage with what you normally do

And… you don’t go again unless DH grows a spine.

That’s a bit odd if they’re his DC. Perfectly fine for a father to share with his children.

Occasion has never called for it. Caravan or holiday cottage trips with own bedrooms . Not everyone can afford hotels.

Fgs some of u are forgetting op is going on this trip because MIL doesn't want to go alone, this is MIL'S holiday, op is doing the MIL a favour so why does it matter that MIL is paying for the whole house? They should get the rooms they expected to get when agreeing to go and DS probably only said he doesn't mind sharing with MIL cause maybe he feels he needs too. I agree with telling DH to go sleep in the room with his Mum if it comes to it. I'd go as far as suggesting he shares with DN, see how many people think that's inappropriate but it's OK for DS to share with MIL.

People asking why can't DS share with MIL, why can't DN? op really needs to put her foot down and say it's not happening.

As for paying for DN, don't! Who said u have to? If u all go out for a meal and u are paying for MIL, ask DN beforehand if she'd like to come, give her an estimate for the cost of her meal, when the bill comes split it 5 ways, OP, DH, DS, MIL and DN, DN pays her own share and op pays the rest. I will add that when I go out to dinner with family the bill is split between all the adults and not the kids but to avoid DN from moaning I'd include your own children so yous are paying for yourselves.

Going forward, I would tell DH that's the last holiday there, that's if u don't want to go again. Tell them 4 years is plenty enough holidays and u want to do your own thing from now on.

I think some posters also haven’t grasped that the Op and family are only going for the second week.

Before inviting the niece, the MIL was going to be alone for that week - so the niece is also doing grandma a favour keeping her company.

A 14 year old boy sharing a room with his grandma? I don't think so. It's very awkward. Just book your own place and visit with grandma and niece if and when you feel like it. If ever.

Yes, as they had already booked the hotel rooms. We were abroad, so weren't involved in any of it.

But knowing all the family members involved they wouldn't have cared. When we all stayed with MIL over Christmas etc, there'd be 11 of us staying in her three bed (one a box room) house! Up to six of them/us (always including MIL) sleeping on mattresses or sofa cushions on the floor downstairs. Good times ❤️

so the niece is also doing grandma a favour keeping her company.

Yeah, maybe she is but u don't put other people out.

I think that if I were you OP, I would call NOT text, your DN and say how pleased you are that she's joining you and the family on holiday. Then, tell her that you understand that GM is expecting your DS to share a room with her, which he is really uncomfortable about, being a teenage boy, puberty, etc., and ask her if, as she will have had a choice of rooms for the first week, she would mind very much swapping and sleeping in with GM herself, so that your DS can have his privacy, which you feel sure that as she was a teenager not that long ago, she will understand. If she says no way, then I would have no qualms whatsoever, in telling her that she's being extremely selfish, and making it clear that you hope she'll be paying for herself if the family goes on meals out together, as you feel it would be unfair of her to expect you to pay, when she won't even sleep in a different room to help you out, even though your holiday was booked first! Also, if she refuses, I'd be inclined to make it clear to MIL that this will be the last joint holiday, as having your DN there, has totally changed the dynamic, and she's also proved herself to be very selfish, by point blank refusing to swap rooms, in order that her adolescent MALE cousin can have some privacy, forcing him to have to sleep in with his GM, which in incredibly out of order for a boy of his age!

I would have no qualms whatsoever, in telling her that she's being extremely selfish

What? All the young woman has done is accept her grandma's invitation to join her. That is the ONLY thing we know about her involvement in this holiday arrangement.

It's probably Grandma who's decided on the sleeping arrangements, and everything else is just conjecture on OP 's part.
For goodness sake @GoneFishingToday you're entire post is just stuff you've made up in your head.