To be annoyed DH’s niece is now coming on holiday with us

[Mossyroller]

MIL books two weeks at the same house on the same dates each year; her and FIL holidayed there every year till he died 4 years ago. Since then we have holidayed with her for one of the weeks as she doesn’t want to go on her own for the whole time.
We pay for our own flights and with 4 of us that’s not cheap, and we take her out/ generally organise stuff like trips/meals. (Things she wouldn’t do on her own). Flights were booked 9 months ago.

Niece (24) has just split from her boyfriend and DH tells me today that MIL has booked and paid for her flights to join us, and that she is staying for the 2 weeks.

Niece has only met DD3 once this last Christmas, and for some reason kept making DD cry (I think it was because she didn’t know her and was quite awkward with her?). She ignored or seemed frustrated with the children, made zero effort, didn’t contribute in anyway and clearly had zero interest in our family (which I do get a bit as she is a young adult now). To be honest I’d tried so hard over the years to keep in contact with her, have sent birthday cards/gifts, all to no acknowledgement, that after Xmas day I stopped and suggested DH maintained an effort which he hasn’t.

The holiday house has 3 bedrooms so apparently now DS14, is going to share a room with grandma (82), so Niece can have her own room. I think that’s a bit off?

It changes the dynamic as Niece doesn’t want to do the stuff we normally do. And MIL has always made it clear niece is the ‘golden’ grandchild.

I’m a bit miffed and DH doesn’t see it at all, he says it’ll just be what it is, that I’m being completely unreasonable, am I though?

How about this OP?

It doesn't sound like you want to be around, or pay for, the niece, which is fine.

And no one wants to be forced into a holiday with people they don't like either. That's just poor boundaries. Yours and your son's have not been respected. That's something you might need to explain to him now as he is completely of an age to fully understand all that, and it's the ideal opportunity.

But - you need a break. Of course you do.

Let them know that given the 'spatial conundrum' you and little one will have a lovely relaxing week at home. Do what you want, eat what you want, go on lovely day unstressful day trips and plenty of rest.

You'll probably feel more refreshed and calm and glad to see DH when they get back, rather than having days seething at niece for being there, and wanting him to stand up for you when paying restaurant bills and the like.

You might not be able to get rid of her, but you can remove yourself from the situation and still get some R&R.

Actually annoying as the situation is, how sweet is it that your 14 year old DS is so excited about going away to this place, and doesn't mind sharing with his DGM.

She's paying, I'd be a bit miffed that what was agreed has changed, but if it's that awful book your own place.

MIL is paying for accommodation but OP and family are paying for flights, food, meals out and trips including MILs share. Plus they don't get a choice over where they go and don't get an opportunity to holiday on their own as a family of four.

MIL clearly enjoys playing lady bountiful and having everyone dance to her tune!
However she's not that bountiful is she? She's not covering the cost of everything, far from it!

I’d go suck it up but basically just use the house as a base. Leave mil and niece to their own devices and you dh and the children do what you want. Eat when and where you want. Buy foods for you and the children that you guys actually want. I wouldn’t be paying another adults meal out or trips out as in the niece.

I would say to your DH that if your DS has to share with DMIL then your hill to die on is that your family unit will not be picking up any of Dnieces costs. You don't care if MIL, BIL or niece herself pay for them, but you won't be doing it. Apart from maybe some household groceries- don't want to appear too petty .

I like your idea of sending a list of what has been booked to MIL and Dniece so she can book her own as required. I would also mention her paying her own share, but I am struggling with wording that doesn't sound awful, so its maybe more of an in person suggestion. Or maybe if you are linking to restaurants "As you can see from menu main course plus a drink and tip usually around £35" which gets the idea across that you won't be paying for it.

If niece is backwards in coming forward, I would take her to one side and be very explicit "Niece we pay for MIL as a thank you for letting us stay for free. Your share is £xx.xx do you want to do bank transfer?"

I think you are missing the point that they all love this holiday and mil pays for the villa which they couldn’t go to without her. I’m staying in Florida at this very moment, most rooms have two double beds and whole families are sharing them. The room next door to me is a surgeon and his wife and two teenage boys, all sharing! They clearly see absolutely nothing wrong with this arrangement and neither does the hotel management, if ds is happy to share with grandma, what’s the issue🤷‍♀️

There is a difference between choosing to share a room and being required to share a room.
My 14 yr old DD would not want to share a room with her Grandfather. Nor he with her.

Yes. The boy himself seems to especially love this holiday. So OP refusing to go again (and so depriving him of a visiting a place that he loves) seems to be a strange way of sticking up for him over the bedroom.

@saraclara I still think it would make most sense for just her DH and DS to go, thus solving the bedroom issue as they can share a room, and she can have a week at home with her toddler. Personally, I love a staycation with just one child, you can focus on them and get things done in the house.

Can you imagine if the niece decides to pull a no-show at the last minute after all this...

Of course your DN should share with her GM for the second week. She's on holiday, not living there - it's easy enough to switch rooms.

However, DS and DH don't seem to mind and are looking forward to it so unless you want to look like the miserable old cow I think you have just got to accept it.

I think it perfectly acceptable to make it clear that you will not be paying for niece's jollies too.
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If niece is backwards in coming forward, I would take her to one side and be very explicit "Niece we pay for MIL as a thank you for letting us stay for free. Your share is £xx.xx do you want to do bank transfer?"

This is a great way of phrasing it, and of course your DH will be having that conversation!

TBH, if I was the niece the idea of sharing a holiday with my granny and a family of kids I didn't know very well would have me running for the hills, so she may well do that and the problem is solved.

These situations you dread most often turn out to be fine in the end and you wonder why you got so wound up about it.

Plan your own holiday next year if it all goes Pete Tong!

But he’s been asked and is ok with it, what’s the issue 🤷‍♀️

If it's awful they could look for alternative accomodation somewhere within easy reach of the airport so they can use their existing flights, could be the same resort or another in the opposite direction. If you are happy to take her accomodation then you save on cost but lose on control.

Why not suggest dn shares with your dd? See how mil declines that suggestion...

DH shares with his DM. You and DC have the other room

I'm confused at why is it inappropriate for a boy to share a room with HIS grandma? I'm I missing something? I'm not English so perhaps we differ here, obviously sharing a bed is a no, but on separate beds but in the same room as ur own grandma, how is that inappropriate? It's not a permanent set up, literally for a holiday.

Having said that tho, it makes more sense for the niece to share with grandma. Why should she get her own room when she wasn't part of the plan in the first place. If you're paying for everything like you said, put ur foot down and tell mil that the niece is sharing with her and ur son is getting his own room. Don't bother going through ur dh, just speak to her directly.

The niece is strange, seems like she doesn't really like u guys and hence doesn't make effort with ur kids. We have a niece on dh side, also 23 yrs, made zero effort with my kids when she visited from the states, didn't ask them anything about schooling, hobby, friends etc nothing. they were 4, 8, 10, so clearly could've made conversation with them. She also has a 10 year old sibling she's close with, so it's not like she doesn't know how to communicate with younger kids. It was bizarre. But then I saw how interactive she was with my bil's children! She prefers bil (favourite uncle) so I guess that's why she makes an effort with his kids. Really pathetic, just shows how insincere she is.

Exactly my thoughts. Boys become just as embarrassed at 14/15 as girls, if not more so. They might share a room with an opposite sex grandparent if it was expected of them but they'd be constantly aware of themselves. They deserve their teenage privacy if at all possible.

In this case the boy has said he's fine with it so there isn't actually an issue other than people deciding how he should feel.

He's dead isn't he? Well he'd be the FIL as this is the OPs ILs not her parents. I think the niece sharing with her uncles FIL would be odd.

In this case the boy has said he's fine with it so there isn't actually an issue other than people deciding how he should feel.

And there's no chance whatsoever that he might have felt obliged to say it was OK so as to be accommodating/not rock the boat?

The only way I would agree to going would be if husband shares with his mother and you share with your children.

If he doesn't see a problem with your son sharing with her, he surely won't have a problem with that either.

I have a recent positive covid test picture of mine and DDs if you need an excuse to cancel.
the whole holiday sounds grim.

urgh well if your DS really isn't bothered at all about who he shares with then I supposed you'd better suck it up. But as you say, not go again. Though I wouldn't stop DH and the kids from going.