To be annoyed DH’s niece is now coming on holiday with us

[Mossyroller]

MIL books two weeks at the same house on the same dates each year; her and FIL holidayed there every year till he died 4 years ago. Since then we have holidayed with her for one of the weeks as she doesn’t want to go on her own for the whole time.
We pay for our own flights and with 4 of us that’s not cheap, and we take her out/ generally organise stuff like trips/meals. (Things she wouldn’t do on her own). Flights were booked 9 months ago.

Niece (24) has just split from her boyfriend and DH tells me today that MIL has booked and paid for her flights to join us, and that she is staying for the 2 weeks.

Niece has only met DD3 once this last Christmas, and for some reason kept making DD cry (I think it was because she didn’t know her and was quite awkward with her?). She ignored or seemed frustrated with the children, made zero effort, didn’t contribute in anyway and clearly had zero interest in our family (which I do get a bit as she is a young adult now). To be honest I’d tried so hard over the years to keep in contact with her, have sent birthday cards/gifts, all to no acknowledgement, that after Xmas day I stopped and suggested DH maintained an effort which he hasn’t.

The holiday house has 3 bedrooms so apparently now DS14, is going to share a room with grandma (82), so Niece can have her own room. I think that’s a bit off?

It changes the dynamic as Niece doesn’t want to do the stuff we normally do. And MIL has always made it clear niece is the ‘golden’ grandchild.

I’m a bit miffed and DH doesn’t see it at all, he says it’ll just be what it is, that I’m being completely unreasonable, am I though?

I get the feeling that you’re not telling the whole story.
MIL pays for the house so it’s really up to her who she has stay. If you don’t like it - book your own accommodation. You’ve had plenty of free accommodation in the last few years so maybe MIL wants to share that with niece too.

you are going to Tresco !

The 14 year old has said he's OK with it.

wait so MIL has paid for accommodation for everyone?

then Niece can come if her grandmother wants her to, but obviously she should share with her during the time you're there.

Well said.

Yep here come the YANBU for being petty about family dynamics toward non-blood relatives. 😂
82 you said? Golden child? Good!!! Grandma gets to see more people SHE loves. Awesome. This was a trip for her, right? Cool. What’s the real problem? Jealousy about Golden child? Miffed the 24 year old is awkward around children? Has she spent a lot of time around children? Or is just weird to you that Grandma would share a room with DS 14? And she was 68 yrs old when DS 14 was born and still sees him as a boy…

I’m not seeing a problem.

Can’t DH speak to his brother? Give DN an idea of cost for meals out and to find out what games she like to play. Mention DD bedtimes 😂

So you, DH and DD are going to share 2 single beds between you. A 14 year old boy is going to share with his grandmother. So a 24 yo girl who hasn't contributed financially at all can have two beds to herself?

Not a fucking chance. How is that fair. Obviously MIL and niece share a bedroom if MIL wants her there and she's not even contributing.

I'd climb into bed with niece and send DD into MIL before I let a developing 14 boy share a bedroom with his grandmother.

In terms of everything else in the holiday. Plan your own family things, let MIL and niece do what they want. If they say "oh we'd like to join you on that activity" say "great, I'll send niece the link so you can book it, I've already booked ours.". When you go for meals tell the waiter you'll order yours separately to make it easier for MIL and niece.

Im pretty sure her nan will be fine to make sure her niece has food/dinner of an evening and won't mind contributing towards trips as well. there doesn't seem to many any suggestion that you pay for her for trips?

And if push comes to shove your DH can always send his brother the bill for any food or trips his daughter might have eaten or attended that you paid for.

Unless there's a massive drip feed, it all seems a bit unkind when she hasn't done anything massively wrong to you all and her grandmother is paying for the accommodation.

they haven't contributed either. MIL paid for all the accommodation herself

They've paid for their own flights. Niece hasn't. They haven't actually cost MIL anything and they pay for her while they're there. Even if no one at all had contributed. One person having a bedroom to themselves while three people share a bed and another has to share with the opposite sex is not fair.

The circumstances under which you agreed to go on this holiday have been deliberately changed without anybody consulting you. Having spent a lot of money for the flights to go, you are well within your rights to voice your concerns over inappropriate sleeping arrangements made for your son without your full approval.

Your DH wants to roll over and subject his son to this situation in order to please his mum. He daren't cause any ripples and she takes advantage of that fact beciase she is paying for the accommodation.
If he thinks it isn’t a problem for his son and you do, (I agree with you that it’s inappropriate) then I think you should suggest that he sleeps in with his mum and DS can be in DH’s single bed next to you.

Maybe that will focus his mind a bit.

I don’t think you can complain about DN going but your DH should be upfront from the very beginning with DN about how much meals out and trips out are going to cost her so that she can choose to stay back if she doesn’t want to pay up. Maybe he could give her a rough idea of how much she needs for spending money and food before she goes. If anybidy is to pay for her, it should be her GM who she is close to and who invited her, not her uncle who seemingly, she couldn’t care less about.

That,

your 14years old son with grandma? When you invite her around and come to her request?? Hard no.

I would cancel, grandma isn’t paying and invited niece to the treat (sigh). That is just not on.

I agree with this. Why can't DN share with her granny?

Grandma IS paying. She's paying for the whole bloody house!

Her grandaughter's relationship has ended. Presumably she's pretty upset. So Grandma did a nice thing and invited her too, and paid her airfare. I still can't for the life of me see what's wrong with that. She has her other grandchildren staying, what's one more? And one who she perceives needs a treat.

As for whether niece is golden child, who knows? It's impossible to compare the relationship that a GM has with a 25 year old DGD, with that with a 14 year old DGS or a 3 year old DGD. And niece and a 3 year old? I wouldn't have engaged that much at 25 either.

This. It's blatantly wrong to expect a 14 year old boy to share a room with his grandmother unless in an emergency.

I don't think it's unreasonable that MIL has booked niece to come but I can understand why you would have liked to be informed prior to booking.
And niece definitely has to share bedroom with MIL. Niece may be friendly and helpful now ( teenagerhood is difficult). I think you need to make an effort; if the situation is strained, your niece and MIL can have separate days out.

No one is explaining what is so outrageous about the 14 year old sharing with grandma when they are both happy with the situation.

A 14 year old boy in the throws of puberty is entitled to privacy in his bedroom. I understand why the idea of sharing a bedroom with his grandmother makes the OP feel uncomfortable.

What have the "throws of puberty" have to do with sleeping? I mean would the world come to an end if they both nodded off in the garden/car/lounge?

Nobody heard of Morning Wood?

Teenage boys are entitled to privacy in their bedrooms. If you don't agree with that feel free.

I don’t think your DS should share a room with grandma, that should be the niece. That sad I don’t agree all these comments that it can’t happen. My son lives with his grandma, he’s 30 and shares a room on her on holidays. None are bothered and can afford their own rooms but choose to share. I see zero issue with it, they’ve always been close. DS2 who is 19 and not as close to his Nanna id say maybe they shouldn’t but it’s nothing inappropriate. But should be the niece sharing given she’s the extra body and she’s the same gender

Presumably you don't let your husband share a hotel family room with your kids then.

Why on earth would grandma be aware if it happened to DGS? They're not sharing a bed.

@ToxicChristmas has a great suggestion, could you get a refund on your ticket? Your family should definitely not subsidize your niece on this holiday, your MIL invited her so she can pay and arrange for the niece’s parents to reimburse her if necessary.