To be annoyed DH’s niece is now coming on holiday with us

[Mossyroller]

MIL books two weeks at the same house on the same dates each year; her and FIL holidayed there every year till he died 4 years ago. Since then we have holidayed with her for one of the weeks as she doesn’t want to go on her own for the whole time.
We pay for our own flights and with 4 of us that’s not cheap, and we take her out/ generally organise stuff like trips/meals. (Things she wouldn’t do on her own). Flights were booked 9 months ago.

Niece (24) has just split from her boyfriend and DH tells me today that MIL has booked and paid for her flights to join us, and that she is staying for the 2 weeks.

Niece has only met DD3 once this last Christmas, and for some reason kept making DD cry (I think it was because she didn’t know her and was quite awkward with her?). She ignored or seemed frustrated with the children, made zero effort, didn’t contribute in anyway and clearly had zero interest in our family (which I do get a bit as she is a young adult now). To be honest I’d tried so hard over the years to keep in contact with her, have sent birthday cards/gifts, all to no acknowledgement, that after Xmas day I stopped and suggested DH maintained an effort which he hasn’t.

The holiday house has 3 bedrooms so apparently now DS14, is going to share a room with grandma (82), so Niece can have her own room. I think that’s a bit off?

It changes the dynamic as Niece doesn’t want to do the stuff we normally do. And MIL has always made it clear niece is the ‘golden’ grandchild.

I’m a bit miffed and DH doesn’t see it at all, he says it’ll just be what it is, that I’m being completely unreasonable, am I though?

Spontaneous erections. HTH.

I have a 14 yr old and would not expect him
to share with Gran. I think a tent in the garden might be the best bet.

Could DH speak to his brother regarding making sure niece has spending money for meals out etc so you’re not subsidising her so much? I know she’s an adult, but might reduce arguments on holiday.

On reflection I wouldn't have wanted to share a bedroom with my grandfather when I was 14/15. I'd have found it extremely embarrassing despite being very close.

I agree with your DH. If DS and MIL are both comfortable sharing I don't see the issue. If one was uncomfortable different story but they're not. I also don't think DS sleeping on the couch would be an issue. You are getting the accommodation for free so you shouldn't be expecting everything your way. If you're not happy sort your own accommodation.
Sounds like MIL sees her GD is having a difficult time and wants to treat her. It would be very unreasonable for you to get in the way of that.

You can’t demand that the bedroom arrangements won’t be changing when you haven’t paid for the accommodation. Unfortunately since MIL has paid for the accommodation it’s ultimately up to her who sleeps where - of course you don’t have to go but I don’t see that you can dictate who sleeps in each room.

Totally agree about niece’s meals etc, at 24 she is an adult, who should be contributing her share.

It's so inappropriate for you mil to expect your son to share with her and just because he's trying to be nice you know deep down that he won't be comfortable. Tell her to ask her niece of she would have shared a room with her grandad at 14? I'd be inclined to put him in the living room, suck it up this year and refuse to book next year to go

Fair point.

I hope your son doesn't have to share. It's not fair.

You can't put a teenage boy with grandma. I'd cancel and say it was due to insufficient room.

Totally agree about niece’s meals etc, at 24 she is an adult, who should be contributing her share.

@MrsWhites Cripes, thanks for the reminder that the niece is 24, I’d overlooked that. In that case, the OP’s immediate family definitely shouldn’t contribute towards her holiday outings, etc., she’s a full-blown adult, ffs. 24-year-olds are financially independent, aren’t they? I certainly was.

Why can't niece share with grandma? Niece pays for own food and spending (or grandma??) Absolute minimum requirement if she invited someone else.

This has to be done. If you don't have a good time with this arrangement then you do not go again.

DS is a boy. DN is a girl. Surely your family will acknowledge the awkwardness of having a teenage boy in with female family members?

DN should definitely share - there's a privacy element otherwise. DS isn't a small child at 14 anymore, he's a teen

I think this is reasonable:

I meant to the treats, outings and all. They are paying flights and all the rest.

she is paying for the house and it looks like she is going to have more space than she thought.

there is nothing wrong in inviting her niece but if she already asked someone else, it should have been discussed. If prearrangements are moved, then no adults should be told any decision to the risk of making feel ackward and not coming. Which is now happening. I can’t blame them either 🤷🏼‍♀️

Is that in Surrey? 🤣

Is this your main / only holiday?
That would significantly impact how I feel about it.
If its your main or only holiday you have every right to be peex off, but if it's a second / extra holiday then I'd be more tolerant.
Do you really want to go on this holiday ever year and is the niece the final straw?
I think niece has to share with grandma for the week you overlap, as it's more practical for your niece to share with her grandma than your son.
Are you going the first or second week?
I guess if it's second week the niece may already be ensconced in her room.
I can see why mil invited her DGD, especially if she was there alone for a week.
I guess you either negotiate rooms
Find alternative accommodation
Or suck it up for a week but reassess if you want to go every year.
Do DHs siblings not want to go? Or are they there for the week you aren't ?

I would say pretty soonish that you have only got the funds for your immediate family and to treat the Grand Parent as she pays for the accommodation, therefore, how would splitting bills work best for everyone. They may be taken aback but they will know that you aren’t going to contribute to funding her 2 week break.

Your husband says it is what it is . But what it is is not a holiday. If there is an option for you not to go - take it .you must feel very let down.

This is cruel to be kind. At 24, I'd my own home, job and baby. I left home at 18.

I'm not surprised he dumped her.

Loser!

Jersey, Guernsey or Sark?

@SleepytiredyawnQuite, it’s just bizarre to assume that they’d fund a 24-year-old’s meals and activities, isn’t it?! If her Grandma wants to treat her, fair enough.

She's a woman-child. Does she work? Or is she gainfully unemployed...

I don't understand why you think you're going to be paying for the niece, @Mossyroller . Where is the assumption that you pay for her food and entrance fees etc? Had MIL actually said you have to? You haven't holidayed with her before, so what is it that makes you think that you're going to be paying for anything to do with her?

MIL and BIL have stitched you both up.

Has she form for freeloading? She's wangled a 2 week stay on the Channel Islands...

Oh for goodness sake. She's "wangled" it?

Grandma has invited her grandchild, who's been through a tough time. She's also invited her other grandchildren, along with OP and her DH. What makes niece's invitation "wangled" any more then OP's was?