To be annoyed DH’s niece is now coming on holiday with us

[Mossyroller]

MIL books two weeks at the same house on the same dates each year; her and FIL holidayed there every year till he died 4 years ago. Since then we have holidayed with her for one of the weeks as she doesn’t want to go on her own for the whole time.
We pay for our own flights and with 4 of us that’s not cheap, and we take her out/ generally organise stuff like trips/meals. (Things she wouldn’t do on her own). Flights were booked 9 months ago.

Niece (24) has just split from her boyfriend and DH tells me today that MIL has booked and paid for her flights to join us, and that she is staying for the 2 weeks.

Niece has only met DD3 once this last Christmas, and for some reason kept making DD cry (I think it was because she didn’t know her and was quite awkward with her?). She ignored or seemed frustrated with the children, made zero effort, didn’t contribute in anyway and clearly had zero interest in our family (which I do get a bit as she is a young adult now). To be honest I’d tried so hard over the years to keep in contact with her, have sent birthday cards/gifts, all to no acknowledgement, that after Xmas day I stopped and suggested DH maintained an effort which he hasn’t.

The holiday house has 3 bedrooms so apparently now DS14, is going to share a room with grandma (82), so Niece can have her own room. I think that’s a bit off?

It changes the dynamic as Niece doesn’t want to do the stuff we normally do. And MIL has always made it clear niece is the ‘golden’ grandchild.

I’m a bit miffed and DH doesn’t see it at all, he says it’ll just be what it is, that I’m being completely unreasonable, am I though?

DN shares with Gma... or don't go. End of.

It is a week, no one is suggesting he shares with his gran for the rest of his life. He will be on holiday, having fun, playing board games in the evening and then going to bed to sleep. What privacy does he need on a 7 day holiday? How do 14 year olds at boarding school manage, how do kids manage on school holidays. The obsession on MN that every child has to have exclusive use of a bedroom is ridiculous.

Going away with my GSs to somewhere quite expensive I gave them the option, family room with extra to spend or two rooms and a bit tighter on the budget. They had no hesitation as they knew all we would be doing in that room would be sleeping. The OPs 14 year old son obviously has the same attitude.

What while he's standing naked in the middle of the room? I'm pretty sure he will have bed coverings in his separate bed, he can wear pyjamas, his grandmother isn't going to be hovering to check him when he wakes up.

Of course some women might have a sick fascination with this sort of thing and make a careful study of the GC, some of us are actual adults and get on with life.

No need for sarcasm and your 'sick fascination' comment is just odd. I think even having one under bed covers would be mortifying enough for the poor boy with his gran in the room, it's not about whether she'd see.

(See also: wet dreams)

If there was no other option, I would say DS and Gran could share. But there are options! Like niece could share with gran, or DS could camp in garden or OP and DD don’t go. No need to force sharing.

Just wondering what you've decided to do @Mossyroller ?

This

It got YANBU from Me due to the sleeping arrangement with DS and Grandma

I think to be so focused on a 14 year old boy and his grandmother sharing a room is sick. Go to any family orientated hotel and you will see families sharing a room, mum dad maybe a teenage boy and another child. So how does that work? Or does mum and/or dad being in the room suddenly mean there isn't an issue?

Of course there are other options and no one is being forced, the boy and his grandmother are OK with it. The thing that is so unpleasant is the instant "it is so inappropriate."

I think it's highly likely that the teenager in many of these scenarios would much rather not be sharing a room with their parents, tbh - particularly if they are the 'let it all hang out' kind.

And you think it's 'sick' to say a teenager deserves some privacy? I'd say most people would understand that there's a need for it at that age.

DH says he mentioned sleeping arrangements to MiL and she said she still expected DS to share with her, especially as DN is there for the week before us so she will already be ‘set up’ in that room…
I really am struggling to get my head around this. DH says I’m the one with the issue not DS but DS is so excited to be going I think he’d share with a bear if he had to. DH says it’s just for sleeping and DS will use our ensuite.

Yes she has paid for the accommodation and we are so very grateful for that (it’s our only holiday each year) but we do go to keep her company as she doesn’t want to give up the two weeks there and can only manage one week alone (although seemingly not this year!) so I book meals out, cook meals in, activities, boat trips etc. We always pay for those as I sort in advance and it’s a thank you for her. She wouldn’t do these things without us (she says this and says she enjoys this part!)

DN is a teacher and earning but going by the last few years she’s not contributed to any of our celebrations so I’m assuming this won’t be different (maybe I’m wrong!).
Good advice from PP around this so thank you, I’ll send MIL & DN the links of what we have booked and say she will need to book her own place to be added if they wish.

I did say to DH I could stay home with the little one but I had been looking forward to this trip until now, and he said no we should all still go and that if anything DN will keep MIL occupied so we should have more time just us 4.

I am never going again!

At this stage I'd share with MIL myself (and possibly bring 3 year old in with me). Leave DH and your son to share.

If your DS is happy to share with her and if she would respect his privacy when changing etc, then I think just go with it. I think my lovely teenage DNs would be ok with sharing with MIL.

@Mossyroller - I'd actually put your foot down and don't go this time.
MiL and DN thought nothing about shifting the goalposts on you without a second thought - you can do the same. The time for discussion on this has been and gone and while this might be your only holiday this year, your husband hasn't done nothing to stand up for his family in this situation. It was a done deal by his brother and mother, for goodness sake and your side of the family will end up paying for things that DN and MiL will be going to with you. Not a chance!

I'd stick to your guns about not paying for trips and meals for niece - break down bills and tell her what she owes for tickets and her share of meals. Doesn't need to be unpleasant. Sounds like niece might prefer to do stuff separately anyway from your previous meet ups so it might not be an issue. As your DH said, she can be company for DM and they may choose different outings or resteraunts. If DS isn't that bothered about sharing then that's fine. I'd have been gutted at his age (I loved to stay up late reading and would have disturbed my sharer) but it's great he's so relaxed. It's only a week. Personally, I'd have stayed at home but hopefully all will be better than you think!

As mother in law booked and paid for the house I don't see how you can complain. Surely she can invite who she wants?
But if you want you could book somewhere else so you can still use your flights and also have your own space.

So 24 yr old brat of a niece has gatecrashed your holiday & swiped ds14's bedroom. All whilst dear granny smiles sweetly at her favourite granddaughter? Charming.

Slightly out of the box - would a pop up tent fit in the living room? Put it up each evening & Ds could at least have a little privacy. Order on Amazon & get it delivered ready for when you arrive (you said you were there for 2nd week of booking).

Do not pay for anything for her. Be very very clear on this. She is 24 & working. She can pay her own way. I would go so far as at restaurants state when ordering that it will be separate bills.

Good luck op. Hope you have some lovely days out as a 4 & let niece get on with entertaining granny.

So 24 yr old brat of a niece has gatecrashed your holiday & swiped ds14's bedroom.

No @CoffeeBeansGalore . Grandma has invited her granddaughter, who's had a tough time, to join her on her holiday. And as she has the bedroom for the first week when OP is not there, grandma sends to find it sensible for her to remain there. There is no indication that niece has insisted on any of this.

Niece has not gatecrashed anything. She has simply accepted her grandma's offer.

It’s not sick. It’s about teenagers needing privacy. We stopped sharing hotel rooms when ours were around 12 I think. Out of respect for their privacy.

Another potential room solution is the OP and younger DC shares room with DNiece.

Well, it sounds to be a magical place that your family love so you may well be cutting your nose off to spite your face if you really do decide not to go again, OP. You may not much like your MIL but it seems the rest of your family do so maybe just stay home yourself next time, or go somewhere of your choice with a friend or alone if you'd prefer that. Genuine suggestion. Not many people are treated to a holiday by family members and it's sensible for you to reciprocate a bit by booking trips etc. and cooking, obvs, there are 4 of you and 1 of MIL. DH, DN and DS could be on washing up, cleaning as necessary, and clearing up duty perhaps.

Posters are concentrating on DS's feelings re sharing a bedroom with his grandma - which I undetstand as that decision seems to have been made for him - but tbf it could be difficult for MIL too, just a compronise to be made to help her family and have a holiday herself. Is that so very wrong for her to want to do that as things become more difficult and more lonely as people age?

And yes OP I would not be going on this "holiday" again. Many people seem to be missing that this arrangement is more for DMILs benefit than yours.
It is beyond ridiculous to tell a 14 year old boy that he needs to share with his DGM, particularly when there are alternative solutions available. It seems like DMIL doesn't seem to understand the symbiotic nature of this holiday and has decided she can place you as she wishes.

3 bedrooms wasn't enough before niece said she was joining you. Book someplace else nearby for you and your family to stay for the week. And make other plans for next year.

@Mossyroller I just read your update and if your DH isn't willing to share a room with his mother then I wouldn't go. I would cancel the flights. You'll end up paying for your niece when you have meals out or days out. Just stay home with your youngest and let your DH and son go. You could always go on a proper family holiday next year.

I still think it’s not right for a teenager to share a room with an adult of the opposite sex when two adults of the same sex could easily, with no hassle or inconvenience, share a room. I wouldn’t expect my daughter to share with a grandad or my son to share with a grandma. Honestly it feels strange when there’s a much simpler solution right there!

If we’re camping or only have the option of a single family room, yes, we’d share.