To be annoyed DH’s niece is now coming on holiday with us

[Mossyroller]

MIL books two weeks at the same house on the same dates each year; her and FIL holidayed there every year till he died 4 years ago. Since then we have holidayed with her for one of the weeks as she doesn’t want to go on her own for the whole time.
We pay for our own flights and with 4 of us that’s not cheap, and we take her out/ generally organise stuff like trips/meals. (Things she wouldn’t do on her own). Flights were booked 9 months ago.

Niece (24) has just split from her boyfriend and DH tells me today that MIL has booked and paid for her flights to join us, and that she is staying for the 2 weeks.

Niece has only met DD3 once this last Christmas, and for some reason kept making DD cry (I think it was because she didn’t know her and was quite awkward with her?). She ignored or seemed frustrated with the children, made zero effort, didn’t contribute in anyway and clearly had zero interest in our family (which I do get a bit as she is a young adult now). To be honest I’d tried so hard over the years to keep in contact with her, have sent birthday cards/gifts, all to no acknowledgement, that after Xmas day I stopped and suggested DH maintained an effort which he hasn’t.

The holiday house has 3 bedrooms so apparently now DS14, is going to share a room with grandma (82), so Niece can have her own room. I think that’s a bit off?

It changes the dynamic as Niece doesn’t want to do the stuff we normally do. And MIL has always made it clear niece is the ‘golden’ grandchild.

I’m a bit miffed and DH doesn’t see it at all, he says it’ll just be what it is, that I’m being completely unreasonable, am I though?

In your shoes, I would just think to myself that now niece is going, you’re off the hook. The four of you can do your own thing, MIL and DN can do theirs. Obviously MIL wants to spend time with her seeing as she’s invited her along. So let her. You four will see plenty of them in the house as you come and go - half a morning here, an afternoon there, dinner or breakfast. Just do your own thing now.

don't do all that long winded stuff. "MIL, DS needs his own space" and then send him and DH (with or without the 3 year old) and you bow out of it.

I wouldn't ever want to share a room with a 14 year old boy. Farting and wanking and smelling as they do (and it is perfectly all right for them to be like that, that's just how they are)

So this is MIL's traditional annual holiday, on an expensive island, in a presumably expensive house that she pays for herself every year, and invites other family members to join her.

If that's the case she has just as much right to invite her granddaughter as she does to invite you.

Would I be irritated in your place? Yes, of course. I've been in a similar situation, due to my lovely late FIL whose generosity and hospitality knew no bounds. In that case he invited the next door neighbour's daughter without even consulting my MIL!

But in your position, I hope I'd recognise that I'm there by invitation and it's her right to invite who she likes to this place that clearly means a lot to her.

If your DS is genuinely happy to sleep in the lounge, then let him. If this place means a lot to him, he'd probably prefer that to there being a horrible atmosphere around the place, and feeling awkward about niece having to move her stuff and her and his grandma huffing and puffing about it.

I think if MIL is paying for the accommodation she actually does get a say in it.

Having been on trip earlier this year, sharing a hotel room with two teenage GSs I can assure you there was no farting, wanking and smelling. The boys were well behaved as well.

This is what I would do. You and the kids stay elsewhere. Your DH can stay with his mother (or with you) and Golden Grandchild can stay and help with Grandmother/MiL.
Take you and your kids out of the equation. Even if you have 2-3 days in one accommodation and the remainder elsewhere (I'm trying to think of costs here).

Hope you manage to get it sorted.

How! DS goes away with his grandparents every year they share a room.

Yep. It's more than that she's paying for it, too. It's a traditional and clearly very important annual 'pilgrimage' for her.
It's primarily her holiday.

Yes but it’s his mum that he’s dealing with as a result, it’s a problem that he’s directly dealing with as it’s his side of the family. Anyway.

I think that would be fine if it was made clear before the OP had spent money on it based on one set of expectations. ‘Just to let you know that this year niece is coming and this is what I’m thinking.’ Then OP’s family could’ve made a decision with all of the information available.

Just a thought. Is it the IOS, if so you could ask if you can put a tent up in the garden. We've done that before and it worked a treat.

I also don't see it as an actual impossibility (much less anything improper as such) for a 14yo boy to share a room with his grandmother. Not ideal, but the world won't come to a screeching halt, either. However, if there's the option to sleep in the lounge or even camp, I'd suggest that.

The part I'd have a bigger problem with would be the change in dynamic with your niece there, particularly if she's the Golden Grandchild. I wouldn't want to spend more on food, etc because she's there, either. She can pay her own way, or MIL can, or her parents can!

I'd hesitate to book far in advance again, next year. Maybe it's time for this tradition to change, if MIL doesn't see the need to check with everyone before inviting another person for the time you're there, particularly when there's not really enough room to add in more people without inconveniencing someone.

I've had a bit more time to think on this situation and I think your MiL is allowed to invite who she wants to on holiday with her. The issue here is that your DH didn't rock the boat or say no to his mother. This is a classic DH issue.

As some others have suggested, if niece is going for the 1st week and you're supposed to be joining for the second, niece is going to have one of the rooms set up as her room. It's going to be a given. So what I would do is send DH and DS and you and your daughter have a wonderful break at home without the boys.

If anyone asks, just say that as niece was going, you felt that she would be best placed to attend to MiL's needs and wants during the break as she was going for 2 weeks and DH and DS wanted to go. You didn't mind sitting this one out.

Then have a conversation with your DH and suggest to him that if it was you, and some younger boy (not your son, say a friend of your son or a nephew) being asked to share a room, would he be ok with that? I think he'd be hard pressed to say no, he wouldn't be ok with it so why would it be ok for your son to be asked to do it?

How about dh shares with his Mum and ds comes in with you? I think he might then see an issue.

Please put your foot down. I have a ds the same age and would never force him to share with his Granny.

Regardless of whether he wouldn't mind or not.

This is a great idea and DS would probably love it - provided the weather is reasonable.
As for MIL - she issued the invitation so she and your niece can make their own plans and if something fits in with an activity the rest are doing then all is well and good. From what OP says the niece won't want to join in some of the activities so why should she stop everyone doing their own thing. On holidays like this you either join in and make an effort or by agreement you all do your own thing - then you can all have a great time and get together for meal times or whatever and catch up on the days news.

I think DH doesn’t want to rock the boat, which he very much has form for when it comes to his family.
Another spineless man who does whatever his mummy wants, whether or not it's right for his wife and kids. YOU are his family!

So what I would do is send DH and DS and you and your daughter have a wonderful break at home without the boys.

Good idea.

And then everyone involved can feel a nicely guilty that there weren’t enough rooms.

"so apparently now DS14, is going to share a room with grandma (82), so Niece can have her own room. I think that’s a bit off?"

Has this been said to u already? That was your chance to say, No! my son WILL NOT be sharing a room.

Life is too short to rock the boat so much over this but I'd make sure you have a different holiday, the four of you, somewhere else that doesn't involve anyone else.

You MIL sounds a bit controlling and thoughtless. Your DS is happy. It's you who feels aggrieved.

It's OK for him and granny to share a room. In the end it's not big deal unless you make it one. At least he's going on holiday somewhere, some children don't ever get to go away, even in the UK.

Maybe DN will get so tired of the crowded house when you all arrive she'll leave early?

I'd go this one more time, suck it up, keep the peace and then after this holiday, never go again!!!

No, don’t suck it up. It’s not appropriate for a 14 year old boy to share with his gran and nor should he have to.

What do you think about the idea of just DH and DS going? Sounds like the best bet. Otherwise it would be too crammed and they dynamics would have changed. If you still really want to go then I’d prefer your DH to sleep on the couch but worse case is your DS sleeps in the lounge. But what a crap holiday that will be.

This. I think the niece should share with her grandma.

Now MIL has someone else to go with just cancel as you will be spoiling the trip for everyone.

Speaking as a grandma (NOT an 'old lady') with DGS of that age, never in a million years would I be sharing

Totally inappropriate on both sides

It's OK for him and granny to share a room. In the end it's not big deal unless you make it one.

No. It's really not.

Grandma sharing with a boy either going through or just passing puberty is not on at all

Why can't niece share with her grandmother?

In your shoes, OP, I would cancel. Let your husband and son go if you like.