To be annoyed DH’s niece is now coming on holiday with us

[Mossyroller]

MIL books two weeks at the same house on the same dates each year; her and FIL holidayed there every year till he died 4 years ago. Since then we have holidayed with her for one of the weeks as she doesn’t want to go on her own for the whole time.
We pay for our own flights and with 4 of us that’s not cheap, and we take her out/ generally organise stuff like trips/meals. (Things she wouldn’t do on her own). Flights were booked 9 months ago.

Niece (24) has just split from her boyfriend and DH tells me today that MIL has booked and paid for her flights to join us, and that she is staying for the 2 weeks.

Niece has only met DD3 once this last Christmas, and for some reason kept making DD cry (I think it was because she didn’t know her and was quite awkward with her?). She ignored or seemed frustrated with the children, made zero effort, didn’t contribute in anyway and clearly had zero interest in our family (which I do get a bit as she is a young adult now). To be honest I’d tried so hard over the years to keep in contact with her, have sent birthday cards/gifts, all to no acknowledgement, that after Xmas day I stopped and suggested DH maintained an effort which he hasn’t.

The holiday house has 3 bedrooms so apparently now DS14, is going to share a room with grandma (82), so Niece can have her own room. I think that’s a bit off?

It changes the dynamic as Niece doesn’t want to do the stuff we normally do. And MIL has always made it clear niece is the ‘golden’ grandchild.

I’m a bit miffed and DH doesn’t see it at all, he says it’ll just be what it is, that I’m being completely unreasonable, am I though?

Absolutely this.
It’s completely unreasonable to expect an old lady to be sharing with a teenaged boy - Unfair on both of them.
The niece should bunk up with Granny.

I find it weird that you refer to her as DHs niece. I consider all my children’s cousins as my nieces and nephews regardless of their parents.

why? niece is a late addition and she can sleep in the lounge! it's a shit idea because he either can't go to bed until everyone is ready, or everyone has to vacate the lounge so he can sleep. And then he is on holiday and probably can't sleep in because everyone gets up and goes in the lounge. And then he has nowhere to withdraw and be alone (for whatever reason he wants)

tbh, OP in your shoes i'd say I'm not going, then your DH can share the room with both his offspring, and you can please yourself for a week.

I agree with @ToxicChristmas. Send DH and DS. They can have a week away and you can take your DD on little trips. If she's only 3, and the niece gets irritated by her, she and you won't have a good time anyway.

To PP who said we’d be expected to pay for niece to join in the trips/meals you are absolutely correct!!

Well you can turn that around - just ask the niece directly if as a fellow guest she'd like to split hosting grandma with you. That should draw a nice clear line in the sand.

I agree with sending your DH and DS.

At a push, you could send your DH with both kids and they could all squash in together.

Maybe grandma could share with the 3yo?

Given you're not paying for the accommodation, you don't really get a say in who gets which rooms.

I think that if your DS is happy to share with GM, then there's not a problem, but it would be reasonable for him not to want to, in which case he could have the sofa, or even pitch a tent in the garden (which most boys his age would LOVE!). Or you can pay for your own accommodation this year, having benefitted from the free accommodation for several years.

He, the grandchild who has already been treated to several free accommodation holidays, isn't in some way more entitled to a bedroom that the other grandchild being treated by GM to free accommodation for the first time.

The fact you don't appear to like your nice is neither here nor there. GM is paying for the accommodation and calls the shots.

You don't need to pay for your neice to do anything, obviously.

Surely this type of arrangement should end at some point. No holiday is worth this amount of frustration and obligation? I would rather stay at home than sit around people who annoy me.

This

Niece needs to share with grandma. They are both women.

I think if niece is going to be there for the full two weeks and you’re only there for one then it makes much more sense for her to have the room. Although your ds would be better sleeping in the lounge not with gran.
And if it’s mil that organises the accommodation and invited everyone then niece has just as much right to be there and spend time with her grandma as your kids do

Yes I wouldn’t be attending anymore! Can you cancel flights? How can they think a 14 year old boy can share with granny?! Sounds like it will be crap now.

Also, absolutely no chance on earth I'd be fully funding a 24 year old on trips out and for meals when she can't even send you a bloody Christmas card 😂. What a mooch.

If your DH doesn't see an issue with any of this, then he can share a room with his mum! I would actually cancel the flights if you can get some of the money back. You'll end up having to pay for your DH's niece.

I’m sorry but your niece and MIL should share a room for the second week.

I would not be letting my 14 year old boy share a room with his grandma - that’s not right at all.

i would send dh with ds and maybe dd or you stay home with dd. Then ds and dh can share a room. If mil complains, tough. Your 14 year old sons need for a room trumps your nieces imo.

Personally I think niece should be sharing with grandma. You could always get an air bed in the living room for your son. If your really not happy about it I would say something now

Apart from this being irrelevant nitpicking, it’s to describe the, very relevant, family dynamic relating to her DH’s side of the family. Obviously.

This is the best solution. Send husband and son - they can share a room - and stay home with younger child.

Win / win - hubby sends time with his mummy, and you get to do what you like for a week.

I think it is unfair to spring it on you but I honestly can't see the issue with your son sharing with his gran. I've shared a hotel room with teenage grandsons. Everyone changing in the ensuite and wasn't an issue. Obviously if he wasn't happy it would be different but if he's close to his gran and is OK with it I don't see what the outrage is.

Maybe it's because we are campers so quite relaxed about sharing spaces.

Given your update - 6 beds, 6 people- I would suggest to DH that if he still insists on going, the bedrooms are:

MiL / DD
DH/DS
you/SIL

Just an opinion, I wouldn’t say my husband’s brother’s child was anything other than my niece. It might not be the family dynamic. Thinking about it, it could be that they’ve been together only 5 years and she’s only known the niece as an adult.

God I'd be cancelling quicker than you can say "family emergency". Lunacy.

I think the only part you can complain about without seeming like a brat about your heavily subsidised holiday is DS being booted out of his room. I would also be very disappointed though. I guess that's the trouble with family holidays, they aren't just 'yours'.

Can you tell MIL that you heard niece is joining you all, how lovely, but you just wanted to check that BIL had the wrong end of the stick about rooms. DS isn't sharing with her is he, as that would be very inappropriate! So long as DS still has his room then all is good and you can't wait.

I think I'd send a message along the following lines:

"Hi MIL, I've just heard that DN will be joining our family holiday - how lovely, it will be great to spend some time with her! (Even if it won't, best to start off friendly!)

We just wanted to confirm that the bedroom arrangements won't be changing, as I'm sure you'd agree it would be much more suitable for DN to share with you than for teenage DS. If DN does want to take a different room for the week before we arrive, if she could ensure she's all moved out before we arrive so DS can get settled, it would be appreciated.

The four of us have been really looking forward to this break, and we've carefully budgeted to ensure we can afford a few treats while we're away, but just wanted to be clear that although we're really pleased DN will be joining us, we aren't in a position to subsidise her trip/pay for her meals/drinks etc. We just thought it best to be clear upfront to avoid any confusion."

It's probably a bit OTT, but I couldn't resist having a bash - it's so much easier when it isn't your own MIL though, isn't it?! Not sure I'd have the guts to send it to my own!