To be annoyed DH’s niece is now coming on holiday with us

[Mossyroller]

MIL books two weeks at the same house on the same dates each year; her and FIL holidayed there every year till he died 4 years ago. Since then we have holidayed with her for one of the weeks as she doesn’t want to go on her own for the whole time.
We pay for our own flights and with 4 of us that’s not cheap, and we take her out/ generally organise stuff like trips/meals. (Things she wouldn’t do on her own). Flights were booked 9 months ago.

Niece (24) has just split from her boyfriend and DH tells me today that MIL has booked and paid for her flights to join us, and that she is staying for the 2 weeks.

Niece has only met DD3 once this last Christmas, and for some reason kept making DD cry (I think it was because she didn’t know her and was quite awkward with her?). She ignored or seemed frustrated with the children, made zero effort, didn’t contribute in anyway and clearly had zero interest in our family (which I do get a bit as she is a young adult now). To be honest I’d tried so hard over the years to keep in contact with her, have sent birthday cards/gifts, all to no acknowledgement, that after Xmas day I stopped and suggested DH maintained an effort which he hasn’t.

The holiday house has 3 bedrooms so apparently now DS14, is going to share a room with grandma (82), so Niece can have her own room. I think that’s a bit off?

It changes the dynamic as Niece doesn’t want to do the stuff we normally do. And MIL has always made it clear niece is the ‘golden’ grandchild.

I’m a bit miffed and DH doesn’t see it at all, he says it’ll just be what it is, that I’m being completely unreasonable, am I though?

Sadly it all sounds like hell to me. Son needs a bed in the dining/ lounge area. He’s old enough to stay up, until everyone goes to bed.
I wouldn't ever go again, after this, if it was me

This makes no sense if course they have a right to expect the arrangement would be as first agreed. They bought flights on the basis of what was first planned.

Had the holiday been planed with the DN they would have had the option to say no. Once they committed and paid for flights then it's not appropriate to start changing things up

I wouldn't be at all happy about being railroaded like that! She's stitched you right up, if you let her get away with this there will be no stopping her!

Cancel. I’d absolutely not go on a holiday with people I find unpleasant, and your mil sounds unpleasant as well when around your d(d for dickhead) niece.

Play your evening games, say blandly we always do this on holiday, it’s only for a week. And say niece and grandma can do dinner Tuesday we are going to X (somewhere grandma wouldn’t like) with a big smile, we’ve always wanted to but grandma wouldn’t enjoy it so this is nice!
i don’t know how you can avoid paying for niece when you go out, that is annoying.

But also, stop stepping forward. It sounds like your dh is taking you a bit for granted but also not giving you an input. So you need to say I’m not happy about this, in the future this kind of holiday spending needs to be a mutual decision and we will cancel if things get changed on us like this. I’ve booked a few nights when a friend for later in the month to make me feel better about this, and I think you’ve been taking my support for granted. I’ll be stepping back from all the help I do for your family, I don’t know how I slipped into doing so much when it’s your brothers jobs really.

If she does change her behaviour towards you and your children OP, you can then say that it's evident this arrangement has reached its natural conclusion.

This then frees you up to have your own family holiday!

How unpleasant of MIL to invite her granddaughter whose relationship has just ended. And how dickheaded of niece to accept her grandma's invitation.

Good grief. MIL is just a free accommodation provider. What she wants from her sentimental annual stay in her happy place is of no matter, apparently.

The only issue here is that OP doesn't like the niece. Even the bedroom thing isn't that horrendous, given that the lad is okay with it and/or to sleep in the living room, and if still looking forward to the holiday.

Irritating for OP? Absolutely. I can empathise. But I don't see grandma deserving much of the vitriol on this thread.

🙄🙄🙄🙄

I agree - my teenage DSs would have no issue either.

That said, I'd be extremely pissed off at not being consulted about the niece coming along in the first place & I'd certainly not be funding her in any way.

I don't see a massive deal tbh. Its not as if its a couples holiday. I would see how it goes

A 14 year old boy can't share with his 84 year old Grandma. The niece should share with the Grandma. I'd be telling MiL that now niece is staying with her for both weeks you won't be. Then I'd find alternative accommodation in same area as you have paid for the flights. I'd also be making it crystal clear to both DH and MiL that you won't ever be holidaying with MiL at this house again.

It’s also an issue if op is going to be expected to pay for adult niece, which it sounds like. It’s also an issue if she knows adult niece is going to be a misery guts when they do what they always do and enjoy on holiday, like play games in the evening. So they are valid feelings.

Well you and your DH have voices, so use them. No to DS sharing with grandma. If your H thinks this is appropriate then thats just weird.

As for the niece you're making it sound as if youre forced to spend time with her. You can go off and do your own thing. As will she, as I doubt she wants to spend loads of time with you. She's not your niece. Let your H host her.

I never understand families that boringly circulate around the needs of MIL.

The more the merrier! OP - go with an open mind and you might end up having a good time.

And if it’s not a good time, return home earlier. Next time, book your own family holiday and invite or don’t invite whoever you like.

Yes I'm surprised at such outrage on the bedroom, like you I would be pissed off about the changes without any consultation but what do people think is so inappropriate with gran and 14 year old sharing a room? There is an ensuite so everyone changes in there, wears pyjamas so no one is horrified with the sight of more than they can cope with and then people lie down and go to sleep.

The gran and the 14 year old are OK with it so nothing weird about it.

I would voice your surprise that you weren't all consulted about the change, but would insist it is SHE who shares with her Grandmother and not your son, which is neither fair on him or appropriate!

Any scope for a tent in the garden? My older grandkids love camping.

Aside from 14 year old sharing with Granny, you’re over reacting

DS can’t room with grandma. Otherwise, it is what it is. Some people do not have interest in young children and there’s nothing wrong with them. My daughter is the same way. Just be pleasant and leave niece alone.

I agree with others who have said that your 14 Yr old son cannot share with his grandmother, that's all kinds of wrong. If anyone should be sharing with her, it's the niece. I would refuse to go, if they expect a 14 Yr old boy to share with an old lady. Regardless of her being his grandmother, it's just wrong on so many levels!

Can anyone explain what is actually wrong with the 14 year old sharing a bedroom with his grandmother? It is something that happens all over the world including in this country.

This is a temporary arrangement, one week, a boy who is close to his grandmother and happy to share with her. What do people think is going to happen, they aren't sharing a bed, they don't need to undress in front of each other and I'm sure they won't, they are going to sleep.

DS 14 CANNOT SHARE WITH 82 YEAR OLD GRANDMA... NOT FAIR ON EITHER OF THEM.

Does MIL know this is what's planned? Does DS 14 know?

Like others have said use it as an opportunity to have your own family holiday and meet up with MIL and golden grandchild occasionally, if nec book alternative accommodation

I think your concerns about being annoyed with niece and niece's not getting on with your daughter are unreasonable. You can still do what you want to do while you are there and if niece doesn’t want to join in, she needn't.

However, I think it’s totally off to expect a 14-year-old boy to share a bedroom with an elderly woman, even his grandmother. Your husband needs to tell MIL that that is unacceptable and niece will have to share with her grandmother.