I used to be attractive, how has this happened?

[Unattractice]

I used to be attractive. Not mind blowingly gorgeous but I felt attractive and had attention, I would get dates easily. Men were interested. I left the house feeling like I looked good.

I have an 18 month old. She sleeps so it’s not about lack of sleep. But I look awful! Honestly, my hair won’t take dye properly anymore, even at salons it comes out looking the same and still dull. My skin is darker with more brown patches. My make up won’t go on nicely. My face looks smaller but also saggier. Literally months before i was pregnant I look entirely different. I could make myself look good. I look shit now no matter what I do? Why?! Surely it’s not just childbirth?

agreed on clothes - I seem to be an odd shape now despite only putting on half a stone in pg and losing it easily afterwards. Def peri meno too as have various ovarian issues - perhaps should seek a consultation to check that out also. Hair/ brows/ nails always done….so have that checked at least! Think it’s just a general lack of energy and sleep taking its toll perhaps

Oh god I relate to this. But I had my first at 41 and my second at 43 so I was already entering a phase of gentle decline 😆 I'm now 45 and I cannot shake this bone shattering fatigue. It hits me around 5pm, my body just droops, and my ankles ache to the point where I sometimes have to lie down after dinner (and I used to have all the energy in the world). I worry that my children see a lazy parent when I want to be as active as I know I am.

I really want to get back in shape, not necessarily for the 'look' (although I can't lie, I'd love to look better too) but mainly because I feel good when I am physical (proper physical, not running around after toddler or cleaning the house physical), but I cannot find the time or motivation.

My skin is starting to get that crepe look (I'm looking at you, neck), my eyes feel smaller, and my make up style has changed because too much eyeliner now makes me look angry, and that's when I have the time to do it anyway. I cut my hair super short after I had my first because it turned so brittle, and now I want to grow it back so I'm in an in between stage where I look like Justin Bieber and then I think "will I ever look feminine again?" I just feel a bit ugly. And this is all despite being completely in awe of women and our bodies and what we do before, during and after childbirth, and rail against the injustices of society telling us to look a certain way! It seems I talk the talk but not walk the walk.

I'm jealous of everyone who is comforting themselves with thoughts of having a happy 40s, for while it was true for me (before having kids I knew I would LOVE my 40s) I'm in the thick of it, so likely won't feel like myself until I'm 60 (no shade intended, I have no fear of ageing, but it just feels a long way away!) Topping that off is I'm probably my going to separate from my husband soon (another story) so I'm dreading all of that too - I know it's possible to find love as an older woman, obviously, but I've not had much luck to date, and time is running out!

Having said all of that, while I am mentally and physically drained, and have got a bit impatient and snappy with all the fatigue and emotional overload, I do feel I have come into my own in terms of wisdom and knowledge and understanding of life... I am a better person for having children, can see more clearly, and in days of yore would have become a wise woman, I'm sure, making potions for the neighbours and creating a matriarchal commune on a mountain somewhere 😆

Hmmm. I think I needed that vent, the first time I've put in words how I'm feeling about myself right now.

Oh and yes! My teeth all moved during my first pregnancy, my gums swelled so much that a huge gap appeared when they subsided, so now I'm saving up for cosmetic dental work. I hate smiling, and don't want to be that surly looking parent at my children's shows 😭

I identify with those saying that they returned to their pre-baby weight but they are not the same shape. I am back to 57kg, size 10, at 5'5 height, but my arse is flatter. I am really unhappy about this as I have always been fairly flat chested (b cup), but pre motherhood, having a reasonable sized bum was good compensation for my lack of chest. Now, I just look slim but flabby all over.

I really hope some of it is down to the lack of exercise and it will come back once my DS (currently 2) is older and I have more time to work out again.

I don't really get any enjoyment out of clothes any more as nothing looks right on me with a flat arse.

Your last sentence! Buying/trying on clothes has become joyless because nothing looks right. Used to feel good in a revealing or tight outfit but now it’s just finding whatever covers the most.

Don’t worry it’ll get better. I’m 36 but have teenagers now and look so much better than I did when they were younger. Pregnancy and young kids just sucks the life right outta ya! All worth it though.

My little girl is 20 months and I feel exactly the same. I had a bought of stomach flu at Christmas and lost any weight I had gained so felt better then 😂 but I’m a completely different shape. I’ve also spent a fortune on different foundations as nothing seems to work! I hate my skin now

I’m afraid it probably is childbirth plus all those hormones

Deffo children. All the stress etc

This smacks of extreme fatigue and low self esteem. Get the advice of a good hairdresser and have a cut and colour. Supplements and effective skin cream. Is there a granny who can give you a jolly child free night out? You will come back to being the girl you recognise, that’s the beauty of being a young woman. What you are experiencing is quite normal. I remember it, when I had a moment to look in the mirror. You recently made a whole new person. Congratulations!

I don't know what it was precisely but I never felt attractive again after my dd1 was born.

Fuck yes !! Having kids wrecks everything head to toe, I think going out drinking and dancing and grabbing whatever food is available was better for me, I never looked better.

After having kids you spend years hiding eye bags, saggy skin, weight gain, fanny problems, hair problems while sitting in every night minding the little darlings and thinking 3 hours unbroken sleep is magical.

So just as you regain some sort of normality and kids can do some things for themselves and you sort out all of the above you get a couple of years then you enter the fabulous peri menopause, so it's back to square one, all of the above return ten times worse plus a list as long as your arm of new shit.

Kids do this to you! Have you tried supplements for skin/ hair/ nails? You might be deficient in something. You might be judging yourself too harshly as well. Remember this is just a season and you’ll have more energy at some point. Sending a hug x

100% feel this! I always had a baby face and having kids rapidly aged me…wouldn’t say I look old but deffo look my age now

My second has just gone 12 months and this week is the first time I’ve looked in the mirror and not thought I looked minging

Think it’s all just part of it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yanbu but you are probably just being super hard on yourself. Kids at that age take up so much physical energy. You'll have periods of your life where you feel amazing and attractive again and some where you feel less so. I remember feeling that way when my kids were that age (now 10 and 13) but when I look back at pics from young mum era I looked fantastic - better than I do now and I am ok with how I look now. Your own mind can do this to yourself. Invest in some nice pampering bits, a clarifying shampoo and some moroccanoil if your hair feels dull- treat yourself and spend some time on you: you're still gorgeous!

Honestly, there is nothing more attractive than a happy mum with young kids or a family with young kids having fun. I’m way older now and I felt exactly the same way as you do. young kids are super draining but I so regret not being in more family photos with my kids. Ive always hated having my photo taken and always felt unattractive. But I was nowhere near as terrible looking as I thought I was. I now love the few photos of me with my young kids that do exist. The 3 DC are young adults but still love seeing photos of us all as a family. I wish we had more to share.
Try to overcome these feelings, OP. Take plenty of photos of yourself doing activities with your DC. You will come to cherish them. They will spark memories. I never had professional photos taken of myself and the DC but friends who did love them.

In case noone has mentioned this yet, you can get "nonsurgical facelifts" at beauticians, or buy home kits, which are pretty good.

I look a lot better since giving up alcohol. I gave up a few years ago and have just turned 50. It makes a massive difference in my opinion.

Children steal your looks! Honestly! I’m 38 with 4 kids. I had my first 2 at 19 and 21 so still looked good after to be fair. When I turned 30 the weight crept on. Since having my twins 2 years ago I look like a bag lady. I’m 6 stone overweight, and look haggard. And I was attractive. Facially I still kind of am if you ignore the wrinkles and tiredness.
You're not alone hun, crotch goblins take their toll!

Yes looking in to Ultherapy. Luckily the sagging isn’t too bad but at 31 I don’t want to be paranoid of looks going yet. Also looking into maybe even getting a mid face thread lift but would pay extra get it done by an actual plastic surgeon in the UK.

My before is similar to the image attached. Would be very happy with after results (achieved via threads)

Im still losing my pregnancy weight so have time to look into all options

the third one took my looks

What does that mean specifically?

Precisely what the OP is about. I had a baby (my third, is that the part you don’t understand? 🤷🏻‍♀️ the third child) and now look shit. ‘Specifically’ my face is a different shape, I’m generally dull looking, can’t shift weight, got some greys. Lots of people have said the same, one poster even half an hour before you posted said exactly that - ‘babies steal your looks’.

I’m not sure what your question means tbh.

What you're talking about sounds very similar to "signalling" in evolutionary biology, and it absolutely is proven! Signalling is what we "tell" others, from the way we look / act. That is, lots of lean muscles, curvy waist to hip ratio, bouncy, preppy energy... all very hard to fake (especially before corsets / implants etc). They signal that a person is healthy / fertile / not too busy with existing children, so it's a good idea to try and breed with them. Unfortunately the women on this thread (myself included) are experiencing when the other shoe drops....!

@AnneLovesGilbert "I get weird aches in my heel and my toes". If you haven't already, maybe think about getting your feet measured again. I had weird twinges and pains in my feet and knees after my 2nd - got my feet measured. I've gone from a size 5 regular, to 5.5 wide 🙄But the good news is that once I was wearing the correct size, the odd pains went away.

How did the baby “take your looks”?