To think you can't stop your teenage daughter wearing so much make-up?

[HawfinchGreenfinch]

I have a teenage daughter. Yesterday, I was saying to a friend, who also has a teenage daughter, that I worry a bit about how much make-up she finds it necessary to wear. I wish she felt OK to go out bare-faced, and I also don't like that she's constantly smothered in chemicals (fake tan, foundation, blusher, highlighter, concealer, mascara, eyebrow dye, things for "contouring"... to me, it's mind-blowing).

Friend said, rather piously, "oh, I just wouldn't allow that. It's totally unhealthy".

I feel like a bit of a shit mum today, TBH. Should I stop this? HOW? I always tell her she's beautiful without, that ultimately looks are unimportant, etc. And I do try to make sure she gets reputable brands from real shops (Superdrug, etc), not some shite off the internet. And in general, I just thank my lucky stars that she's not (yet) drinking, vaping, etc. But am I being remiss in not stopping her with this make-up obsession? AIBU to think you can't really stop a teenage girl doing this?

It's been a completely normal thing for a lot of teenage girls for the last 70/80 years or so (possibly more), so I wouldn't worry.

Teenagers are always going to want to experiment with their appearance. It’s one of the ways they exert a bit of autonomy. At the moment, this is her thing. She’ll almost certainly tone it down eventually. Your friend is a twat and you are not a shit mum.

Also the ‘chemicals’ are a non-issue. Everything is a chemical. Water is a chemical. There is nothing in makeup that will harm your child unless she sits down every night and eats a plate of it for her dinner.

I remember at that age it was social media that made me feel like I couldn't go out bare faced. Perhaps limiting that somehow might help?

Easier said than done, I know.

Well there's teenagers and teenagers. How old are you talking? I'd take a completely different approach to a 13/14 year old and a 17/18 year old.

Thank you. I needed to hear this about the chemicals!

You're spot on. It's a battle I'm not winning....

I agree op. I think it's normal to experiment with make up as a teen and to lack a bit of confidence in yourself as a teen. It's not a hill I'd choose to die on. And I say this as someone who wears very little make up.

Ultimately I also think women also get judged a lot on their looks and get told a lot what they should and shouldn't be doing with their faces and bodies. I'm not going to pile in on my daughters - it's their faces they can decide for themselves how much make up to put on them.

She's only 14, so young

Yep, you can stop a 14 year old. Parents seem to scared to parent these days and it's not doing the kids any favours.

Is your friend the parent of a teenage girl?

If not, you can ignore her.

In fact, even if she is, ignore her anyway. They’re all different and makeup is hardly a one-way ticket to ruin.

Pick your battles, too much makeup isn't harmful

Sounds like you're doing all the right things. Telling her she's perfect without the make-up etc.

Your pious friend is an idiot, ignore her

Her face, her business.
Most teenagers will go through ridiculous fashion trends at some points. I used ti wear vibrant blue sparkly eyeshadow and thought I looked amazing. Hardly wear any make up now.

Presumably she can't wear a ton of makeup at school - so it's only at home/leisure time that she is doing it?

For what it's worth I was banned from using makeup as a teenager. Being an obedient and compliant (and a worn down by my parents shouting) teen I did just this. I didn't have any money to buy my own either, which was another way of preventing me from wearing any. However, my experience of my teens' friends being banned from doing things is that they just get sneaky about it (i.e. she'll go out barefaced and put the makeup on round a friend's house).

I'd suggest 14 is prime experimentation age. My experience of my own DD is tha she went mad for a year or so, then basically got bored of it and didn't wear any at all for a while; now (18) she wears mascara a lot but only other makeup if she's going out to a party/night out. I suspect that "stopping" her wearing it at 14 would only make her more determined now!

Has your friend got a teen dd?

I think it's a case of picking your battles that said where is she getting the money to but loads of make up?

At 14 I think it's fine to say no to buying tons of unnecessary products.

I wouldn’t go out barefaced when I was 16 and that’s 54 years ago. I still wouldn’t. It’s completely normal to experiment at her age. Just make sure she has a decent cleanser and takes it all off before she goes to bed.

You buy the make up? Do you take her to Boots/ Superdrug? That's fine.
But you should own your behaviour. Personally I think fake tan at 13/14 is too young.
Nothing to do with the chemicals, it's the message that we send to ourselves and other girls / women re: make up.

Is she allowed that much make up on at school at 14?

It is possible to limit it though my dd never wore makeup in the week she would some weekends now as a young adult she still doesn't wear makeup but I'm clean faced at 49 so maybe you learn where you live is true

She says in the Op that the friend has a teenage daughter.

I’m not into skincare, makeup, fake tan or much else in the way of grooming. So I model the ‘it’s not necessary’ every day. My teen looooves all of the above. Which is fine, tbh. My DH tells her she doesn’t need it. I just tell her she looks amazing when she does (& she pretty much always does, power of youth) whether she’s wearing makeup or not.

I just don’t think it’s a moral issue. In the same way if they wanted to be a goth, or choose clothes I wouldn’t dare, it’s not my decision. Autonomy over your appearance is important. Yes, filter and adapt for circumstances (not at school, formal occasions require different dress than casual etc) but mostly we worry too much and should just let them experiment.

I think you could maybe stop thinking of it as a way for her to cover herself up and more to enhance what she has.
I've always worn makeup but it was never because I wasn't happy with how I looked, I just love makeup. Perfume too but not because I'm hiding a smell. So telling her looks aren't important and she looks beautiful without makeup may have the opposite effect of what you're trying to achieve. Makeup isn't to hide a face.
You're not a shit mam btw. But makeup isn't the most terrible thing she could be doing 🙂

At 14 I wouldn't be allowing a load of fake tan and nor would I be allowing a face full of make up for school. Same goes for false eyelashes and nails. Not at 14.

Yes, you could (should be able to at 14 anyway imo) stop/control it.

Yes, realised that on re-reading. Well, probably the friend will have a different ‘thing’ to deal with at some point with their teen. I’d not take heed of their judgement.

Oh ffs, she’s 14. She knows her own mind - make up is not a hill to die on. She’ll sneak it out of the house and wear it anyway! Which is what the DD of your ‘friend’ is doing, lol.

Friends can be so annoying with their sanctimonious parenting. You can only influence your children so far and they all go through different stages. It is normal to experiment with make up etc and God forbid - tattoos and piercings as they get older. I had a friend who said 'your daughter would look so much better without all that make up'. I wonder how she would have felt if I had said 'your daughter would look a lot better with some make up'. My reply is always that as long as they are not smoking or on drugs and are happy, I really don't care.