To think you can't stop your teenage daughter wearing so much make-up?

[HawfinchGreenfinch]

I have a teenage daughter. Yesterday, I was saying to a friend, who also has a teenage daughter, that I worry a bit about how much make-up she finds it necessary to wear. I wish she felt OK to go out bare-faced, and I also don't like that she's constantly smothered in chemicals (fake tan, foundation, blusher, highlighter, concealer, mascara, eyebrow dye, things for "contouring"... to me, it's mind-blowing).

Friend said, rather piously, "oh, I just wouldn't allow that. It's totally unhealthy".

I feel like a bit of a shit mum today, TBH. Should I stop this? HOW? I always tell her she's beautiful without, that ultimately looks are unimportant, etc. And I do try to make sure she gets reputable brands from real shops (Superdrug, etc), not some shite off the internet. And in general, I just thank my lucky stars that she's not (yet) drinking, vaping, etc. But am I being remiss in not stopping her with this make-up obsession? AIBU to think you can't really stop a teenage girl doing this?

That’s a bit of reach isn’t it? Make up can be about creative expression, it is fun to explore different erosions of yourself.

Oops sorry versions not ‘erosions’

Just be thankful that it's not the 80's.....my mother had to endure my sister and I making up with bright blue and pink eyeshadow, blue mascara, pink lipstick and bright pink blusher. We also modelled our hairstyles on Madonna circa 1984. As we are both red-heads the make up was particularly jarring.
She knew she couldn't win with us, so she eventually taught us how to make ourselves up properly, using decent brands and colours that actually suited us. It helped that she was a make up artist in the 60's . Can still do the perfect catflick today.....

As in compliant with the school rules not every teenager is like that and part of their individualism is challenging that conformity.

Well you can absolutely stop a 14 year old, yes.

My younger teen is v strong-willed, but I would have zero qualms about confiscating anything she bought that went too far (i.e. if she tried to wear heavy foundation/contour/false lashes), and confiscating her card if I thought she couldn't be trusted to buy more. I'm 99% sure she would rather hang on to the card for other things, and would back down about buying more makeup.

I am agog at the idea that you are BUYING fake tan for her! I do take your point that you'd rather she had quality products than looked even worse in cheap crap, but you could just say... "no you're not allowed".

To be clear, I personally love makeup and wear it most day (v light foundation etc, little in the way of contouring), and I do wear a liiiiitle bit of fake tan from time to time. I'm happy for my girls to wear makeup that is well applied, flattering and age-appropriate, and that does not include heavy makeup or anything more than mascara and a little concealer as needed on spotty days for school.

I’d view it as - you could stop her but it’s probably a battle not worth having over something relatively harmless.

So why would you ?

You absolutely can.

But then I presume it depends on how much make up is considered norm in her circle. I barely wear any, neither does my daughter. She thinks girls with fake eyelashes etc look ridiculous. She's sporty and likes to look natural.

Surely she gets her money from you to buy it?! So bit weird to say you can't stop it. Besides, make up is banned at my daughter's school.

Really don’t think this is the hill to die on. So you bustle in Victorian style with a wet flannel. The make up will be gone but so frankly will your relationship and she’ll remember that forever. Worth it?

If she’s otherwise a pleasant polite girl with nice friends who is working at school - be thankful make up is your worst problem with your 14 year old. I have friends going through hell with teens this age who would frankly dream of make up being the worst issue.

Also if you can’t beat them join them. 15 year old Dd did my make up for an event this weekend using her vast array - never got so many compliments in my life!

Just to say, if she's got bad acne, I'd be spending money on seeing a private dermatologist instead of buying fake tan- guaranteed she's only trying to cover it up and distract people's attention away from that. There are some really good products nowadays for acne (don't bother with over the counter, get her seen)

for some reason I thought you’d posted that you didn’t wear makeup so didn’t get in trouble at school, must be another poster.

I agree with this, if it’s an option for you.

Skin conditions as a teenager, particularly on the face, cannot be underestimated in terms of the psychological effects.

I have always had psoriasis, and started wearing makeup to cover it around age 14. I'm in my 59's now and still wear makeup every day, even though it's much better with modern medications.

I'd help her, not hinder. The best skincare you can afford. See a dermatologist. Look at diet. Be her champion and don't criticise how she's trying to deal with it.

Just on the chemicals, how about you both do some research together on what makeup is ok for young peoples skin. This way she can learn how to take care of herself better. And not mess up her skin.

I was an athlete in school and I wish someone had told me to wear sun screen. I wish I had some help to take care when things came up later on.

Yes but you added the hyperbole with the ‘hide yourself’ comment, pitying this poster who obviously said a throw away remark.

I am really good at applying eye make up and have always been pretty good at it, I tend to go for a Bridget Bardot eye make up look and it really suits me. When I do wear that kind of eye makeup, only on occasion, I always get compliments but guess what I wouldn’t care if I didn’t as I don’t base my whole self esteem on what others think of me. My DD is similar and would never touch fake eyelashes, is more a Early 00’s Avril Lavigne look (her casual look not dressed up) and it is fine. The thing is though she sketches her own clothes, she makes them and some jewellery, she is an amazing artist and that’s who she is. As a little girl she was obsessed with fairies and imitating them and playing with them. She has an older brother and she’s always been encouraged by her Dad to play football with them and engage with non gendered play but she always gravitates back to what I suppose is seen as ‘feminine’ interests but girls aren’t seemingly allowed to pursue those interests anymore as it is apparently a manifestation of their lack of self esteem!

Reading back over the thread, the poster said that she didn’t wear make up at school and didn’t have any issues ‘surviving’ at state secondary school. I took that to mean she didn’t have any issues with bullying/fitting in, despite not wearing make up.
Same experience here, by the way.

If she is suffering with acne, the absolute best thing you can do for her is a gp appointment with a view to getting a referral to an NHS dermatologist (though suppose you could do this privately if you’re financially able).

I’ve suffered with bad skin (as an adult not a young teen) and the impact it has on self esteem cannot be understated. It is huge.

Using simple, gentle skin care (French brands are good for this) will also help how her skin feels, I know all too well that acne isn’t just about how it looks for the person with it, but how it’s actually painful, dry, sore etc.

Yes, that’s true and neither did I but that doesn’t really mean anything, I wouldn’t assume my experience was/is universal.

My teenage DD wears far too much makeup for my liking too but also she's experimenting. I wore a lot of makeup when I was a teenager too (brown 90s lipstick haha), far more than I do now.
I'm not going to start arguing with her about it because she's a good girl, doing well at school, has nice friends, no drinking or smoking etc so it could be far worse than makeup!
I do keep telling her she doesn't need it and to remember people on tiktok etc aren't "real", that's all you can do.

Goodness me, what a stretch! I can tell you why I wear make up - I am chronically ill and look like a bag of shite. Anyone would in my shoes. A few minutes with Mr. Factor and I look so much better. Which gives me a psychological boost. I'm sick to the back teeth of being an ill person, anything that removes me from that is very helpful. Hope this is ok.

I think there is a difference between what some posters are describing about having fun with creative make up looks , vs wearing heavy makeup every day and feeling like you can’t leave the house without it. One is fun, one is societal pressure

Yes, that is true but some posters are assuming that every person that wears make up has some psychological flaw, when this is probably very rare indeed!