To think you can't stop your teenage daughter wearing so much make-up?

[HawfinchGreenfinch]

I have a teenage daughter. Yesterday, I was saying to a friend, who also has a teenage daughter, that I worry a bit about how much make-up she finds it necessary to wear. I wish she felt OK to go out bare-faced, and I also don't like that she's constantly smothered in chemicals (fake tan, foundation, blusher, highlighter, concealer, mascara, eyebrow dye, things for "contouring"... to me, it's mind-blowing).

Friend said, rather piously, "oh, I just wouldn't allow that. It's totally unhealthy".

I feel like a bit of a shit mum today, TBH. Should I stop this? HOW? I always tell her she's beautiful without, that ultimately looks are unimportant, etc. And I do try to make sure she gets reputable brands from real shops (Superdrug, etc), not some shite off the internet. And in general, I just thank my lucky stars that she's not (yet) drinking, vaping, etc. But am I being remiss in not stopping her with this make-up obsession? AIBU to think you can't really stop a teenage girl doing this?

I agree with pps who say not for school etc. I would also say that if you're old enough to wear make up, you're old enough to take it off properly. No wipes, proper make up remover balms and a hot cloth. Sali Hughes for Revolution is good and cheap.

Then you were obviously a compliant teenage girl - you do realise we are not all the same and it is ok to not want to be the same don’t you?

I very much was interested in alternative music and corresponding fashion/make up at that age in the mid 90s it is about telling the world who you are and who you are definitely not IMO - well that’s what my diary recalls anyway😆

OP never mentioned school. I assumed that the dd was going socialising with friends with it on, not to school. But if she is going to school then as long as she is adhering to the school policy (the school ds went to allowed natural make up with no mascara etc) then there will be no issue.

Fellow blue mascara fan. I even bought some recently and wear it for lols and remembering 40 year ago 14 year old me 😻
My dds looked like Bratz dolls for about 18 months in their teens. My take on it was that there were more important things to parent them over. They’re now mid/ late 20s with beautiful skin and rarely wear makeup. You’re doing the right thing @HawfinchGreenfinch

I've only ever worn blue mascara for about the last 40 years 😆😆

Another one who has been a teenage girl at state school here.

Some girls did wear very heavy makeup, they did not fair well with their wider peer group. The very vast majority wore very little with some outliers who could do a full face very well (they had older sisters).

I would expect to still hold influence over my child at 14, and to be listened to, on an issue I felt strongly enough to put my foot down over. Not least because they don’t actually have their own money at that age.

To be honest I am more on board with Robert's form of self expression than with the tangoed look that seems to be around at the moment. 😆

I have a 14 yo dd who can't be arsed with make up (yet) but plenty of girls her age are. I think I'd do some careful bargaining and ask for a toned down version for school (the school send them off to the toilets to remove the excess which must be really annoying and disruptive) and then a free for all at weekends/school holidays. Hopefully over time they would settle on a happy medium.

I think tiktok has a lot to answer for and I do think it sets unhealthy expectations of what girls should look like /aspire to.

Mine is in peak experimentation phase, in my opinion it's way too much and I really don't like the dark eyebrow/fake lash/orange face look that she is currently sporting. However, this is what teenagers do. I can't see it lasting - it is a shame but it's one battle I will not be fighting! What other Mums think is none of my business. I do gently suggest a little less for school, but that's all.

Well, you could stand at the door with a wet face flannel, as my grandfather did. But this was not conducive to good family relationships, as you can imagine.

I think young girls today have even more pressures on them these days, than many of us did in adolescence. Frankly, what ever they need to get by. Make up isn't permanent, and I see a freher face fashion slowly coming in now

My teen dd had a right laugh recently at some old photos of me with my princess diana flick welded to my head by a whole can of hairspray and my azure blue eyeliner and mascara. They all go through their own makeup phase before it tones down in my experience.

I totally drew the line at one of mine wanting lip fillers though!. Thankfully they changed their mind by the time they were old enough to do it anyway phew.

Thank you all so much for all the different perspectives.

Especially those which tell me I'm not a shit mum to not fight it (much) 😁
But also all others.

To address a few points:

1. A few people say "lead by experience"... I am usually bare faced, and when I do put on make-up (to go to work if I have important meetings; to go out) it's a little blusher and mascara only. I'm really not hugely "into my appearance", and sometimes feel a bit baffled by her focus on it (although I do also remember being a teen).
2. The social media stuff - yes. I need to work on this, because it's too much of an influence. But, again, it's very difficult because of the social side (and my daughter has had a few difficulties with this recently, and has relied on social media to keep in touch with some people. Again, not ideal, but it's a tricky balance).
3. The control/protection balance. I find this incredibly difficult. I really want to allow as much freedom as is safe and sensible, so try to "pick my battles" (as lots have said)
4. It's probably also worth noting that my DD has acne, quite badly.
5. Yes, I do pay for lots of it. But if I don't support her getting stuff from Superdrug/Bodycare, she will order cheap shite or get old stuff off her mates. Which will be bad for her skin....

Sorry for the bullet points. I realise this isn't a policy document....

Thank you again, all. This is proving very helpful.

Her school does allow this, by the way. She explained to a teacher about her acne, and they've actually been very understanding about the "need" to cover it up. Which seems to have generalised to the masses of mascara and lip liner, for some reason....

she looked like an Oompah Loompa, which I as much told her so... I was rather blunt with her

@TheSerenePinkOrca Poor girl. I'd have felt totally humiliated if one of my teachers said that. I think you were very unkind

"as much told her so" = I didn't directly say that. I just made it very clear she looked orange and took a side profile picture so she could see the tide mark around the jaw.

It may have been harsh but she actually thanked me the following week for being so blunt/honest and was actually a bit pissed off her mates hadn't told her about the tide mark around the jaw.

With some children you just need to be blunt. I certainly wouldn't be quite so blunt with most. But with this girl it had the desired affect and all was fine.

At 14 my GDs wore lots of makeup and it really was OTT. Late teens/20s they rarely bother.

Hmmmm... It's tricky, OP. My DD went through a phase of wearing heavy black eyeliner when she was 13 and it didn't suit her one bit. She was copying her friend at the time who wore her eyeliner like that. For quite some while I tried hinting that it wasn't flattering by saying she has gorgeous eyes naturally, etc, etc. But then just had to say to her that it was too much make-up and she's simply not allowed to wear it. She huffed and puffed but stopped wearing it and realised for herself that she looked a lot better. She's 16 now and she wears just mascara and lipgloss to school.

Regarding the acne, it's worth seeing the GP if you haven't already. My DD didn't have acne but she was covered in closed comedomes. Special face washes weren't doing anything so she got some gel called Duac from the GP. It's take some months but the difference it's made to her skin is fabulous.

I have two dd’s in their late twenties who still wear a bit too much makeup in my opinion, albeit more expertly applied.
However they both worked hard at school/uni, got good jobs, have never smoked or taken drugs and are generally lovely, polite, decent young women.
I think those qualities more than make up for a bit too much slap. (See what I did there 😂).

Obviously parents can stop girls doing this but why? Yes it's not ideal but I'm sure slapping on too much make up ws something most teenagers do and come out the other side unscathed. Do I cringe thinking back? Of course I do. Would I have listened to my parents ? No

I had a friend whose parents ts were very strict and she just put it on when she got to school and removed it before she went home. I honestly think she had more issues regarding make up than any of us.

It's almost like judging them for putting make up on is putting more of an emphasis on their looks. If they're doing something relatively harmless I really think people should just pick their battles.

My son doesn't dress in a way I particularly like but he is not a carbon copy of me and he's hurting no one. Teenagers expressing themselves via clothes and make up their parents don't like isn't anything new

@KreedKafer thats totally untrue there’s 100’s of court cases going on now about asbestos in makeup making people very ill

I'd agree with a PP who suggested planning a day out where you can get a makeover and get some products that she can enjoy using that are age-appropriate. It might be that hearing someone else tell her that she's beautiful without loads of foundation/contour gets through in a way that hearing it from her mum doesn't. Brands like Fenty have good in store makeover services and you could always have a chat with them beforehand about what you're looking for.

If she has acne/skin problems I'd definitely speak to the GP first, but if not, she needs a good cleanser/makeup remover to make sure she's getting it all off properly, and an SPF. Byoma and Bubble are both great for teens, inexpensive and widely available.

I had acne as a teenager and I was so grateful for the existence of concealer which I wore every day from age 12. I actually think it helped me pick my skin less too.

However - I do think there is a big difference between some tinted moisturiser, concealer and maybe light mascara (as skin makeup but no mascara can look weird!) vs a full face of heavy makeup including contour, brows, eyeliner etc. And as you are paying, you could say you will buy X but not Y.

Are there no school rules about makeup you can point to?

Off topic but recommend Epiduo cream from GP as the best topical treatment I’ve found for acne. Like Duac but with added retinoid.

Is it not just a rite of passage though? I can recall my own bad teenage make-up and I'm sure many of us remember electric blue mascara, Heather Shimmer or pencil thin eyebrows. Ignore the catty comments, she's obviously forgotten what it's like to be a teen!

My mum was like your friend, no make-up allowed. I just applied it when I left the home and removed it before coming back so, yes, not a hill I feel it's worth dying on!

Makeup is a bit of an art, I would actually take more of an interest with it her rather than trying to stop her. Watch some videos of more fresh faces looks if she’s over doing it snd discuss products