To think you can't stop your teenage daughter wearing so much make-up?

[HawfinchGreenfinch]

I have a teenage daughter. Yesterday, I was saying to a friend, who also has a teenage daughter, that I worry a bit about how much make-up she finds it necessary to wear. I wish she felt OK to go out bare-faced, and I also don't like that she's constantly smothered in chemicals (fake tan, foundation, blusher, highlighter, concealer, mascara, eyebrow dye, things for "contouring"... to me, it's mind-blowing).

Friend said, rather piously, "oh, I just wouldn't allow that. It's totally unhealthy".

I feel like a bit of a shit mum today, TBH. Should I stop this? HOW? I always tell her she's beautiful without, that ultimately looks are unimportant, etc. And I do try to make sure she gets reputable brands from real shops (Superdrug, etc), not some shite off the internet. And in general, I just thank my lucky stars that she's not (yet) drinking, vaping, etc. But am I being remiss in not stopping her with this make-up obsession? AIBU to think you can't really stop a teenage girl doing this?

maybe you learn where you live is true

Sometimes. My mum always wore makeup so to me it’s the norm. One of my friends’ mum always wore it too but she never has.

YANBU, I remember at 14 getting my hands on some Dream Matte Mousse (who remembers that?) which was about 4 shades too dark and proudly trowelling it on for school. After about a week I realised it looked awful and went for something a bit more natural!

I would LOVE to know how to stop them! I let my daughter do what she wanted but would advise her if it looked ridiculous. I would just say for eg "you might want to blend it in at the edges a bit"...
She's toned it RIGHT down now. It's no longer a novelty. She still puts foundation and concealer on her spots as she is extremely self conscious but the eyeshadow and ridiculous bronze/blush has gone. They realise for themselves.
These "I just wouldn't let them" parents.... Good on you... I did try that but we would have had tears, shouting, slamming doors, being late for school... And for what? Because Im not keen on how she's chosen to look? Not worth it (unless you have a rare placid teen!!) Being lenient in my case worked better and avoided bust ups.

Also I say this as someone who also wears a full face of makeup before I leave the house. I suspect my view would be different if I myself had the confidence to go bare faced.

You could try and stop them (and fail a lot- they will just keep their makeup at their mates of whatever, and learn to lie to you)- but what would be the point?!

It’s makeup, not hard drugs. She will go about looking like a fool for a bit possibly (although a lot of teenagers do makeup well these days), but it won’t scar her for life.

At 14 I would let it go. It’s not the 50s and they need something to have control over

YANBU.
I definitely agree with limiting social media use for young teenagers, the more time they spend staring at others' made up faces the more they'll want to layer up their own.
The most important thing, I feel, is to set a good example and not obsess about your own appearance.
It might not feel like it, but a teens are most influenced by their parents. It's normal to rebel and experiment as a teen, but if your child sees that you're at ease with your imperfections, that will ultimately be what feels normal to them.
My older daughter went through a phase of spending hours doing her makeup but now at age 17 she mainly goes out with just mascara (apart from parties, etc). My nearly 14 year old seems to be spending less time in front of the mirror now than a couple of months ago, so hopefully...

I think you have to pick your battles and to a degree they all need to make mistakes as we did with makeup and clothes.

DDs are 19 and 15 and DD1 in particular went through that awful thick eyebrow orange phase but wears natural looking makeup now, as does DD2.

I was experimenting with makeup from a young age in the 1980s (well before my teens) and I don't think it did me any harm.

My daughter wore loads cakes on so I booked us a makeover afternoon at make up counter and once they did it and we bought lovely products ( not expensive boots no7) she got the hang of how to do it naturally.
I went with it bigger battles to fight than a teenager experimenting

They’re at an age where experimenting with how they present themselves and how they navigate an overwhelming, often problematic aspect of our culture is natural and necessary. They need space and gentle support to figure out how they will move through it.

No way would I be suggesting to my 14yo dd that by having a go with fake tan or make-up she becomes partly responsible for the cultural messaging around it. That is a heavy burden to put on a young girl, and also kind of a joyless way of relating to your daughter.

In a world that often treats girls and women badly while simultaneously blaming them for it, I would rather she knows that I am a judgement-free zone.

Ignore your friend. Her issues are not yours. Choose your battles. Make up really isn’t the one.

Not for school, of course, but otherwise… let it go. As others have said, it’s a bit of autonomy, some creative expression, something of her own. Teens experimenting with make up, clothes, shoes, their “look” - or not, as they choose - is part of exploring who they are.

There will absolutely be times to put your foot down. This isn’t it.

By taking her to Superdrug and chatting through purchases and sharing the experience you are building your bond with her. She will feel seen as a teen, rather than a child, which will help in the future for sure. Sounds like you are building a really positive relationship together!

I say no to very obvious make up for school, and apart from that Ieave her to it and try and offer helpful suggestions such as, “That looks great but maybe blend around the edges”, or “I find that type of mascara clumps easily, why don’t you try this one of mine?” and “young skin like yours doesn’t need foundation but this product gives a bit of a glow instead” as a way of trying to be tactful and not sent her confidence.

I also buy some good quality products, say they are for me, leave them around and then she tries them.

It was an absolute no to false eyelashes for a while as they looked ridiculous, and that is the only thing I have really put my foot down with - but then I bought her some of the individual and more natural looking ones, and she got the hang of them so they do look lovely & natural now, which was a relief as the other ones looked bloody awful 🙈

Your reply to your friend should be ‘I don’t want to be controlling of my dd, I like the fact she is free to express herself’

Your ‘friend’ is being pious. The more you come down on teens of this age; the worse they will be. Trust me. Save your battles for something that really matters and champion a relationship without judgement - your dd is already subjected to so much judgment as it is by having the temerity to be a teenage girl and breathe. Be her biggest supporter and don’t let anyone undermine her.

I can really sympathise. My DD was also slathering on the make-up at 14. It was heartbreaking actually to see her covering her beautiful fresh skin with 'product'. Not to mention sooooo time-consuming for her. She would get up at the crack of dawn to get ready for (her all-girls) school.

For her, it was about self-esteem, lack of confidence and actually, a bit of a compulsive ritual (many of her peers at school were doing other compulsive behaviours like self-harming, so I counted myself lucky there).
It wasn't about hearing from me how lovely she was without make-up or that she didn't need it.

So I tried to be non-judgmental, (especially when other family members granny could not resist sticking the boot in) and let it play out.

Fast forward out of her adolescent years and she has a much more healthy relationship with her body and face and is no longer caked in foundation. She was really uncomfortable in her own skin for much of her teenage years and the make-up ritual helped her through. As you say, there are worse things she could be doing. Hang on in there!

Those that think they've "banned" it will find the kid is putting it on at school or on the way!

I never comment on their appearance unless it's 'you look nice'. Although I did have to tell her to roll her skirt down a couple of notches the other day because you could see her knickers.

I probably could make her do stuff but I prefer to save that power for things that really matter. People parent differently op it's fine. My DDs are respectful, good people without me having to be a dragon. They want to please me but they also have internal integrity because they like themselves.

At 14, I was still fairly strict about how much makeup my daughter could wear, but she never wanted to plaster on foundation and blusher, and the huge caterpillar eyebrows weren't fashionable at that time. I've always had very sensitive skin and was concerned thst her skin would react to things like foundation. It helped a lot that My daughter's school was very strict about makeup and the girls weren't allowed to wear any makeup at all until the sixth form. The school office had a supply of makeup and nail varnish remover and anyone who was seen to be wearing any type of makeup was sent to remove it.

If your friend said she wouldn't allow it why didn't you ask her how she manages this? You have to be confident in your own parenting decisions and the likelihood is that she is dealing with another aspect of raising a teenager anyway so I wouldn't take it to heart.

A friend of mine has a similar issue with her dd. She buys her tinted moisturiser instead of foundation. She's said no to fake eyelashes and acrylic nails but had bought her dd a good mascara and often does manicures for her on her natural nails. So basically she comes to a compromise that she feels is acceptable for the age and maturity level her dd is at.

At 14 surely she can experiment with make up. It has nothing to do with social media as girls this age have been doing this since the 1950s and no doubt much longer before. In the 80”s we used magazines to slap on the crazy looks of that time! The girls with strict parents just applied it at school or at friends houses.

At 13/14 they are experimenting with make up and doing what their friends do. By 16/17 you won’t be able to stop your child putting makeup but at least she’ll have the years of experience of putting it on and actually be able to apply it without looking like a clown. Maybe you could take her to learn how to apply it properly. Letting them experiment with their appearance is just one part of growing up and working out who they are. Stifling what they want to do (when it’s not something that causes harm) isn’t going to be good in the long run. Giving them freedom and trust in stages is a healthy way to do things otherwise they will just rebel and do things in secret.

In the 1980s we had Madonna, I always think of as an example, when thinking about how to deal with anything to do with DDs dressing appropriately, wearing makeup etc.

The only time I remember my mum going mad at me (and I was totally astonished as I thought I looked beautiful) was when an older friend did my hair, clothes and makeup like Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan. I was about nine years old at the time 😂

My grandma (now passed) was born over 100 years ago and would 'rouge' with bright red lipstick (smear it on cheeks then rub it in)... make up has always been a thing for teens/women.

I don't understand why people feel the need to control self expression... its healthy natural development. Its how we discover who we are (and yes often look stupid in the process, that IS coming of age) but outside of tattoos virtually non of its permanent and its unhealthy to be denied basic self discovery.

I wouldn't worry, it's a normal teenager thing and she'll come out of the other side of it eventually and tone it down.

I remember my niece in 90's wearing awful dark smudged eye makeup that made her look like she had been in a fight with Mike Tyson, that phase lasted around 2 years. I (light heartidly) threatened to ban her from being my bridesmaid if she didn't leave her face to the professional make up artist!

I agree with this, my Dd likes wearing jewellery and quite a bit of it, she makes her own bracelets, she has been asked to remove it at school and I have a friend who can’t believe that I let her go to school with the jewellery on, I don’t she just wears it as I leave for work before she leaves for school. However, I don’t really care I was the same with jewellery and guess what it didn’t impact my educational achievements in any way seen as I have a Masters degree!

My grandma and great aunt both had Marcel waves done in the late 1920s/early 1930s when they were in their early teens and were definitely wearing makeup in photos I've seen of them at that age. I wonder what their Victorian parents thought?