To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

You think you really know those men? You know what they want you to see.

I hope for you that you’re right. Not a personal attack on you 💖 much love

Did you just ask me if I "really know" the man who raised me???

Yes, he was there. Constantly. He did literally everything for his family and still does. He gave me a role model for how a wife and children should be treated, and that meant I chose my DH very carefully. He is also there, constantly, and everything he does is for me and our DD.

I am very sorry that you've only met rubbish men. But do not cast aspersions on other people's families because of your own misgivings.

Can we not argue with the idiots and goads? I am guilty of this, too, but it detracts from a thread that is very relevant to a lot of women who may see themselves here, but not want to admit it.
It's soul destroying to be in this position.

ok

so that was the end of that
and yet your fury towards married
men is still red hot

your relationships with your father, brother, school peers, colleagues let alone partners must have been so uniformly shite for you to have this view

you have a son @Bangwam1 😔

Yes, I did. You’re naive if you think you ever fully know someone. Father/husband or not.

I wish nothing but the best for you, and I sincerely hope you’re right

I think sometimes you can come over like you have it all, and are sorted .And maybe men can feel a little surplus to requirements . I dont mean you have to turn into a Dolly or change your personality .Just say something like "I am hopeless with cars" or whatever .It sounds a little trite but a friend in a similar position felt it helped her to get her BF(Now DH)

Dear god. I’d rather be single forever

You are clearly biased by some past experience and hate all men. I am genuinely sorry for your son.

Absolutely this.

A whole lot of people absolutely clamoring to stick the boot in - have none of you ever been absolutely sick to the back teeth of a situation and reacted emotionally?

There are days that I absolutely, wholeheartedly, cannot stand men because I have met/dated so many shit ones. On those days I would be happy never to date one again, and may just feel compelled to post on an online anonymous forum about it. I'm not a bitter or angry person, but when you're repeatedly getting shit from all angles it becomes very frustrating.

The OP has had enough of dating in a dating market that is crap. Half of you have no idea because you haven't dated for 10+ years. The sweet shop mentality of the apps makes it really difficult - people are always looking for the next best thing. Even people we meet in real life are likely to be on the apps, always scanning for someone/something 'better'. It is relentless - this is acknowledged on every single OLD thread on MN.

OP keep your standards (you've already expressed that they're realistic) and remember that as this poster has said, having kept a man isn't some kind of accomplishment - plenty of women are putting up with all sorts of crap and even if they aren't it's largely luck of the draw. I hope you get there soon

i can’t fathom that you have a son @Bangwam1

Absolutely to both @retinolalcohol and @prinkfloyd .

It's so sad to read this thread. My dad loved me unconditionally. There was no benefit for that to be a lie. My sons including my adult son loves me with no view of personal gain. My dh has been with me for over three decades and dispite not being perfect he is us here faithful and supports me so he I'd more than good enough.

Is this like a female Incel?

Meanwhile in the realworld outside bangwam1 delusions.

Nope majority of men aren't predators. Get help.

Oh this is always my favourite.

You don’t need to be. I’m gonna raise him to respect women and himself :-) …and hopefully 🙏 he won’t be the type of man I’m talking about.

I know it causes a lot of butthurt to say the majority of men are the pits and not good enough for a wife, but it’s true 🤷‍♀️

I know it causes a lot of butthurt to say the majority of men are the pits and not good enough for a wife, but it’s true Just because you say "it's true" that doesn't make it so. Many men think the majority of women are too masculine, they nag too much and are openly hostile towards them and men in general, doesn't necessarily make it true. (I can, however, see where they might get that idea from)

The numbers speak, I don’t need to. You think onlyfans is one of the fastest growing sites in existence because I’m delusional? 👹

80-90% married men, btw

You seem obsessed with porn site on most of your posts,

Just because you had a ex who was scum doesn't mean all men are.

What I speak -is- the real world. If you have daughters, best learn quickly.

Can we agree to disagree and stop derailing the thread...?

Christ this thread is depressing.

OP - You’re coming across as angry and negative on here, you’re trying to dictate what people can and can’t say to you in a pretty combative way. You’re also incredibly negative about this people that you’ve dated, placing yourself on a higher level than them.

I get that you’re annoyed and upset about all this but be honest - would you want to date someone who thought they were better than you? Who was angry at everyone because they felt they’d been given a rough hand in life? Who lumped together everyone who was the same sex as you in such negative terms whilst simultaneously wanting a long term relationship with you? I wouldn’t. The reason people are saying these cliches to you repeatedly are because they’re true. I wonder if there is more going on than this? Someone asked upthread and I can’t see an answer, have you had therapy or would you consider it?

If this can be solved by good parenting, you must have a very low opinion of mothers/women too.

I ruffled a few feathers with truth, oops 🙊

Good luck ladies, gonna need it 👾
Out