To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

It’s really not true, they’re people, same as women. Some are arseholes and the reasons that statistically this is recorded more in men is complex and not as straight forward as quoting figures on porn use.

It’s sad that you are so closed minded that you won’t see this, perhaps because you’ve had a rough time I don’t know, but if you spend your time looking for something you will see it everywhere, it’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

It’s all mentioned in the OP!!!

Arguing with you is like playing chess with a pigdeon.
They knock all the pieces over, shit all.over the board then strut around like they won.

Well it's pretty much only you mentioning them in here so it is you who is the obsessed one.

Don't worry. I think they're out to cause conflict only and will be picked up by MNHQ soon enough.

Only person mentioning it is you.

And you realise it's libel to write untrue things about other people (stating PPs husband is searching the vile things you keep talking about).

How dare a woman speak negatively about men on a woman’s forum!!!? What was I thinking?

I attacked men..bunch of pickmes turned up to rage. So yeah, I’m just having fun now.

You should see how they talk about us on their forums..you’ll never see them defending us.

Back to the OP🙄I’m an old ‘un and think that OLD and general attitudes now make it harder to find commitment. There was an old saying about why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free? Sure, nothing was perfect sex wise, but the quick availability of sex now before a relationship has truly formed means people move on.
The argument for/against dating work colleagues is interesting as many marriages arise out of working together and finding more than just superficialities in a person, a true bond.

I really sympathise with the OP as I have a young friend in the same boat and nowadays on the whole, it seems to be easy come easy go. There is so much luck involved in finding a life companion and I wish the OP all the very best in the future, 33 is not old to me so stay hopeful, get a cat and therapy in the meantime.

I meant to add that it might be a good idea if the OP kept off Facebook and social media as the curated happy couples stuff is obviously an irritant.

If more people were single, you say you wouldn't mind? This to me is strange. So if more people were single you would be absolutely okay with being single?

Terrribletwos
It's not at all strange. When being in a couple is the norm with the people around you, you stick out like a sore thumb when you are single.
When everyone around you is single it's different. Your friends do not have other priorities, you can go out together. No one is the odd one out, no one feels they are missing out.
You wouldn't mind that.
There is a natural progression, and if you are single in your thirties, or find yourself single again, it's hard to meet someone.
Round one of coupling up is over, you are now in round two, and it's more difficult.
OP wants to meet someone decent and have a relationship is that so hard to understand?

No, not so hard to understand, I get it. I just found it odd that she says if more people were single,.etc. That's an odd thing to say. Why would it make a difference if more people were single?

For the reason that was just given. If more people were single there would be fewer people who have what she wants. More people to hang out with, less emphasis in the world in general in coupledom.

Makes perfect sense.

I could have written @HuongVuong3 's message virtually word for word, except my husband is a divorced father of 3 and we have been together 20 years.

Well, I looked at this way. That she was unhappy with people being in relationships. And I thought why? One may be unhappy that they are single but why be unhappy that others are in relationships?

I read it the same as you.

I'd be ok with not being in a relationship, providing other people were also not happily coupled up.

Hi OP, I totally get where you're coming from.

I had serious and committed (for our age!) boyfriends up until I was 21 and then I literally had a 10 year period where no man would even call me his girlfriend let alone make a more significant commitment. It would usually last 2 months then they'd suddenly say 'I wasn't actually looking for anything!' and in one case I settled for 2 years with the person - because I was getting nowhere with anyone and really loved him - but he was still reluctant to call me their girlfriend and had one foot out the door.

I couldn't figure out what was going wrong or why it had changed since my teens. And I was convinced there was something fundamentally wrong with me as to why these men didn't want anything more with me.

Eventually after therapy and reading into attachment theory I realised I was always getting involved with avoidant types. I suspect you're experiencing the same. A lot of attachment theory books will say this is happening because you are an anxious attacher and have work to do on yourself but I don't think this is necessarily the case. As you get older the majority of men in the dating pool are just avoidant types - that's why they're still in the dating pool and not in a long-term relationship! They are unable to make it work with anyone! And that's why you keep meeting the same men over and over!

In the end I went on like 30 first dates and met someone who was just a normal guy with a secure attachment who was looking to settle down. I was 31 at the time. So there are some good guys out there in the sea of avoidant men! And then it was honestly just simple. Simple getting him to call me his girlfriend, simple moving in and settling down. And I don't think it's because I'm his soul mate or doing anything differently to before. It's just because he was a normal guy able to make a commitment and looking for someone and he met me.

My advice would be, look into attachment theory so you can spot the avoidants early (in the first few messages or on date 1). They'll talk about a series of ex girlfriends that have lasted a year or two, having split up because of not committing, usually be very indecisive and vague about what they want from life / what they're looking for. Go on lots of dates and don't commit to anyone until they make it clear they want a relationship with you. I found a lot of these men were keen to be exclusive so they could have a girlfriend experience (and no competition from other men) without the actual commitment - don't do it and keep your options open!

Yes, it seemed to me she is unhappy with others coupled up. She said (paraphrasing) if only everyone else was single she would be happy. I found that a bit odd.

You've agreed with someone about why they interpreted it, who explained it, but then said you still find it odd. I don't get what what you find odd. If everyone was single it would be less if a contrast to be single. So less to be jealous of and unhappy about. I don't get why that's confusing.

I've absolutely felt that. It's not a feeling I'm proud of but yes, more people getting coupled up and leaving me to be the only single one made it increasingly sad.

OP I think there’s quite a lot to unpick here - and I haven’t read all of the replies to you, tho read your responses. Two things which I’m afraid may not be helpful but are truly what I think (as someone older than you who has been single for longer).

I think you need to reframe your thinking a bit. Hanging your entire life’s happiness (or ‘future’) as you put it in your title on one thing is often unhelpful. You seem very upset by it being something that happens for everyone else, but the truth is it doesn’t. There are no guarantees in life. Many people desperately want a child, and can’t have one. Many people have a life changing accident. Many people have a partner die. We only have one life and you can only live the one you’re living and change the things you have control over. That doesn’t mean don’t try - and do OLD and other things you mention if a partner is important to you. But also consider how to enjoy your life if it never does happen for you. It would be a shame to waste years on feeling bitter. I’m sorry if you don’t find that helpful, but I firmly believe it to be true.

The second thing is that you don’t seem to have many (if any?) single friends. I do find that surprising - I’ve got quite a few, and you’re right that it is helpful to have shared experience with people. I wonder if there’s anything you can do to expand your social circle?

I wish you the very best of luck in finding happiness, I really do.

@Iwilldrawjapan

OP, I've re-read your posts in case I've missed something, but I was wondering what you like to do in your spare time, what your hobbies are etc.

It sounds as though what you do in your spare time is going to be the answer when it comes to meeting someone (rather than through work, as explained).

As you get older the majority of men in the dating pool are just avoidant types - that's why they're still in the dating pool and not in a long-term relationship! They are unable to make it work with anyone! And that's why you keep meeting the same men over and over!

Quite. There is nothing wrong with you, and ignore the new tranche of goads. If they can't get in one way they will try another.
It's now down to planning, a bigger pool, different angles, new places and faces.
It's not desperate to be searching for something you want, and you are not wanting anything strange.

I've honestly thought of ending my life over this. I won't, but it hurts to never be enough.

The thing is, if a man expressed the same feelings you have expressed on this thread, I would run like the wind. I know it can be difficult (I am single myself so not saying this from a position of smugness at all) but anger and sadness and feelings of inadequacy are only ever going to attract the wrong kind of men.

Can people have a laugh with you?

My mate is far more accomplished than I am and still as slim as when we knew each other as teenagers. Has a lovely home and is always well groomed. I asked DH why she had so much bad luck with men. He reckons it’s because she just doesn’t relax and have a laugh, as simple as that. I would also say men do not value being nice as much as women do.

I asked DH why she had so much bad luck with men. He reckons it’s because she just doesn’t relax and have a laugh, as simple as that.

That smacks so much of 'Smile!'
One person's idea of relaxing and having a laugh is another's total anathema.