To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

That was me that said it. Ok fine now you clarified it.

Have you got a couple of thousand for a matchmaker service? They match up people who are vetted and want long term unlike dating app roulette.

I don't think that's bitter and nasty. I find those photos tedious and annoying as well. Not that I'd ever voice that to anyone who posts one of course but I don't think finding them annoying says anything particular about their state of mind.

OP I think you've stayed very calm actually in the fade of a barrage of often very bizarre criticism. Maybe some therapy would help, certainly won't hurt but I don't think you're behaving in an unreasonable way or that your feeling are unreasonable either.

@wordler

That's the most grown up thing I've seen on MN in a while.

@Iwilldrawjapan

Consider taking this advice. And remember that "romance" looks different for everyone. You won't see pictures on my FB or insta of DH spoiling me for valentine's. We don't even do cards. But when DD has been awake half the night and will only settle with me laid next to her, DH will go to her bed so we're not squished into her single. And he'll come back in the morning with coffee on my favourite mug and milk for her. I'll take that over "obsession" and material spoiling every day.

Adjust your perception of what love is and you may find it.

So you have a mix of single people and those in couples?

Seems pretty normal to me. Not sure what you are concluding from this but I highly doubt that every single couple on your Facebook is blissfully happy and "obsessed" with each other. And no, a few curated holiday photos does not prove that.

Yeah whatever I say. I'm not the one starting threads here about how to get and keep a guy though.

I realised long ago that commitment from a guy lowers my sexual attraction to him. I think it does all women to be frank.
It's just how it is.
Nothing is a bigger turn off than knowing you 100% have a guy.

It's your choice really. Get used for sex by Mr Sexy and dumped for ever more OR settle for Mr Boring. It's up to you.

You can spot the men a mile off.
It has no bearing; men do not stay with women just for the sex. Men who just want sex want it with many women and will leave when another sex opportunity presents itself. OP wants a relationship not a sex pest.

don't think that's bitter and nasty. I find those photos tedious and annoying as well. Not that I'd ever voice that to anyone who posts one of course but I don't think finding them annoying says anything particular about their state of mind

But what on earth have those photos got to do with OP's dating issues? the two arent connected whatsoever so why bring them up in a thread about not being able to find someone? I find people's pics of their pets tedious but I dont relate that to me not getting a promotion at work for example because it's completely irrelevant. I think the OP is getting too caught up on comparing herself with these supposedly blissfully happy obsessed with love Facebook friends and its not doing her any good at all.

OP, it sounds horrible.

I agree with pp that the list of reasons people have ended things with you sounds like a bunch of excuses.

I suspect it's a combination of

(1) you really want to settle down and you are dating men in their 20s who don't want to settle down. Even if you're not talking much about your long term objectives people can often sense when the other person is more committed to the relationship than they are and it can cause cold feet.

(2) there may be something about you that your partners are finding difficult but don't want to express. Maybe they feel threatened by your success and drive; or think you're bossy and domineering; or hate your habit of leaving your toenail clippings around the bathroom floor (not saying you actually do this); or any one of 100 things we don't know about you.

(3) dating in your 30s is hard, as many of the good ones are taken. So it may not even be much to do with you at all.

(4) at the risk of sounding like my grandmother, how quickly are you having sex with these guys? I had a friend at college who had similar issues to you and it was because men perceived her as 'easy' - they were happy to shag her because she was available but it meant nothing.

I never said they were connected. I still don't see how they make her sound bitter. It's others saying her feeling like that is symptomatic of why she's single. Which I think is bollocks.

Well to be honest assuming you are a heterosexual female like me I don't see how you can judge the former.

I never said they were connected. I still don't see how they make her sound bitter. It's others saying her feeling like that is symptomatic of why she's single. Which I think is bollocks

They clearly are related hence why she specifically posted it. I think its highly relevant and I do think if she is feeling jealous about it, it will be affecting her dating behaviour.

This is just absolute horseshit. You sound more like a male incel than a woman.

I am not desperate to be with someone, I am just fed up of never being good enough for them.

Take this out of your head and vocabulary right now. Keep it out.
Some men will never find anyone good enough for them, they don't commit and make crap partners if they do.
Some boys never grow up, and you are meeting them.

I'm a woman 🤣 and if someone wasn't into intimacy then that would be a deal breaker for a relationship. If someone is selfish or crap in bed, it would end a relationship pretty sharpish. Naive to think otherwise

Agree that is Chad/Beta talk.
An attractive man who is committed, is by far the biggest aphrodisiac long term.

Incels do not get this difference, as they want woman that are not on their own level attractiveness-wise. So blame woman for being picky.

Ignore it, move on. You’re making a huge fuss over nothing.

Online dating is really hard at any age. I met my boyfriend on it, but it took loads of dates and dead end convos before I met him. Then another bloke I dated for a long time (having met online) was a red flag. He's with someone else now so on the surface: great! But he wasn't nice ultimately, and I doubt he is to her. Maybe it's not these people rejecting you, but the simple fact it's hard to form a proper relationship from nothing. It's much easier via work/uni as people are less disposable. I think you should take a break, then go back to it.

I read your title and interpreted it differently, OP. I was thinking of the workplace where men predominantly feature as (bad) managers of women in certain industries.

You meant romantically and yes, you're right. For some women, they've been indoctrinated into the nonsense that you must have a man to be fulfilled and by the time light dawns, you're in your late 30s or beyond, having wasted so much time on energy on something that isn't real and isn't necessary.

I do understand how you feel, it sucks.

And I’m sure I didn’t need to hear your snarky bullshit, but it happened, didn’t it?

I don’t think anyone really falls madly in love. Well I did when I was young of course. TBH I gave up finding “ the one” and settled for one which was good enough. I’ve never been happier. There is a book “Fuck Feelings” which has a good chapter on how to find a partner. You’re not wrong - it sucks to be single when you want a partner - which you clearly do, hence the post.

'MaryMaryVeryContrary · Today 15:09
Iwilldrawjapan · Today 12:42

I've just been asked by a 39 year old man on message 3 on a dating site if I'm a 'good girl ' 🤢
Ignore it, move on. You’re making a huge fuss over nothing.'

No, she really isn't. This is the level of the guys out there.
The one before I met mine - we had a coffee, and he wanted to take me for dinner. He was smart, intelligent, funny and fragrant. I agreed.
He picked a bogie out of his nose and wiped it on the table cloth.

I'm sorry you're getting so many crappy comments like above because it's clear you are upset and sadly there's no advice or strategies that work because even if you drop your (rightfully held) standards you will just be dating pond scum who don't want to commit.

It's so random to meet someone decent after the goods ones are settled down in their twenties, you have to just keep on trying to live as well as you can in all the other areas of your life and try to come to peace with it all. It may happen one day, but if not hopefully all the rest of your life will be rich enough to make it all worth while

OLD seems to be mostly people having short sexual flings these days, so you have to be very choosy about going on there as it's not really set up for finding long term relationships anymore

I naively didn't think that so many men would choose to settle in their 20s and stay with the same partner until 30s and beyond. I thought many of them would prefer to play the field.

In their 30s is when they show you who are they, relationship or not :)

Not projecting, just the way it is. I work with these married men 🤣 they’re all foul. If only you ladies knew.