To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

Do you own your own house ? It’s weird but I’ve had so many friends in the same
boat and as soon as they buy a house and carry on as if they’re going to be single forever they meet someone. Not that the guys are gold digging, you just send off different signals

To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

Just looking at your title: it is not true. Your future is in your hands. If you want a baby - go and have one. Or two.
Yes, you will have to make financial sacrifices, but life is all about making choices. You don't get to have everything.

You also don't get to choose anyone else's actions. You resent that you can't "make" a man want the kind of family life that you want. You have no right to expect the same long marriage that your parents had, or resent not having it.

It is not about whether you are "good enough". It is just about whether another person's choices match up with yours. That is all.

Did you live with flatmates in your twenties? Or did you stay with your parents until you got your own place?
If the latter, I suggest you find someone to live with - a flatmate. Not a lodger in your house, because of the power imbalance. If you have already bought a property, let it out, and go and live with a flatmate on an equal footing.
You need the experience of living with someone, and all the messy reality which that involves. When the situation ends, find another flatmate. Do this about six or eight times, until you are either eternally grateful that there is no-one else there when you come home, or until you move in with a long-term boyfriend.

I agree, his list works both ways… it’s pretty “universal”, women don’t want a controlling men, a boring one or a guy who doesn’t give affection.

I was sympathetic but stopped reading when you said you are trying to break up marriages to procure a man…that’s just desperate and pathetic…

I haven’t read the full thread OP but I understand exactly how you feel. I was single for 15 years after an abusive marriage. I also had a child and did choose to prioritise him over a relationship. However I used to feel so angry at times that I didn’t have a partner to share my life with. I understand the feeling that others are ‘rubbing’ your nose in it with their happy relationships. It appears irrational to others who haven’t experienced what you are going through. Also people suggesting hobbies, travel etc used to really annoy me. Also the ‘don’t appear desperate’ crew, they could feck off as well.
When my son was older I joined quite an expensive dating agency. I explicitly stated from the start with any one I met that I wanted a long term genuine relationship. I didn’t want to waste my time on the type of men you describe. I met my now DH in my late forties and we married after 2 years together. Is this something you would consider OP? Use your strength of character to really research some dating agencies and find one that has men on it with the same goals as you. Good luck OP.

@MsLuxLisbon And @TooMuchRedMaybe. Well, hopefully, all of the things that OP wants for a relationship. I'm not suggesting that OP needs to bring everything to the table, and should just accept the first bloke who'll have her. I just tried to think of things that have been deal breakers for me and other men I know, so that OP could have a think about whether there's anything shes actually doing that's putting potential partners off. As I said in my previous post, there may well not be anything specific and it's just been bad luck.

And on the self-absorbed point. I'd define it as someone who talks about themselves all the time and isn't interested in the other person. Not good if its either the male or female in the relationship. I'm not saying any of the above list are female specific behaviours.

It sounds like you've got a lot going for you. Personality is obviously important for continuation of the relationship. You say you have friends and assuming you have long term friends who are keen to see you it can't be personality related, so it's probably just luck. Happening to meet the right person at the right time. I hope it happens for you.

A man doesn’t have to fancy you to sleep with you. Indeed, men are able to sleep with women they actively dislike.

This sort of naïveté won’t help you in the dating world.

I would advise you not to sleep with a man for those two months, wait and see if he is serious about you.

Remember that many men will lie about loving you just to be able to hit and run or use you in some way.

You’re really in the defensive Op.

You’ve posted on here for advice I guess, but you’re rejecting a lot of the comments and Seem to me to be getting angry with them.

Maybe this comes across in real life too.

Try to be happy in yourself. Having a partner isn’t the be all and end all. I live my DH deeply, but I’m going through the peri menopause at the moment and despise him at times too. Sometimes I wish I were single….

Someone's posted that I was trying to 'break up marriages' absolutely not 🤣 like I said, they tried it on, I told them to fuck off.

Again I know having a partner isn't everything, I have lived with men before too. However I don't think some of the posters have experienced this level of rejection over such a period of time.

He thinks if you don’t want children you are deluded or immature. That is enough for me to disregard everything he says.

See this is just bitter and nasty, and perhaps an insight into how you might come across without even realising it. You seem to direct a lot of misplaced anger at other people, and are of the misguided notion that all couples are madly in love and obsessed with each other. They’re not - that’s not real life. I suspect the abusive relationship you were in at 18 has had some lasting effects (speaking as someone who had a similar experience) so I’m glad you’re on the waiting list for therapy; it’ll do you the world of good. Perhaps even look into going private if you can afford it.

On a more positive note, I think you need to set the bar higher. Going for guys who earn less than you and still live with their parents is never going to work because you’re not on a level. Stop selling yourself short.

Also, you don’t actually say anything about the relationships that failed other than the men rejected you. Was there a connection? Did you want the same things and share the same values? Did you have fun together and have things in common? Were they kind, or interesting or funny? Did they make you feel special? You get to decide whether someone is right for you or not - you don’t need to wait for the man’s seal of approval in the hopes they’ll make it official.

Really think about what you want from a partner and go from there. You’re allowed to be choosy. Aim higher.

I think that you are wrong.
I bet you've rejected far more men then they've rejected you.
They just don't matter to you so you've forgotten them.

You are no different to the vast majority of women out there, just other women resigned to themselves to the fact that Mr Sexy CANNOT be Mr Steady and vice versa.

Commitment is not sexy. It is mundane and boring.

You want the moon on a stick. That's the bottom line. You need to grow up a bit.

Ok, whatever you say 🤣

I am not "feminine" in the traditional sense, I'm quite direct (blunt has been used), independent, don't do make up, dresses, heels etc. I can look after myself, financially and emotionally.

Many men don't like it. But there are men who do. There's a lot of men who don't want the "little wife" at home. Many of them love the fact that their partner is an independent person with their own life which means they get to have theirs too.

You need to find one of those men. Look slightly outside your "type". Mine turned out to be a guy a bit older than me, who lived further away than I'd have liked, who people thought would never "settle down". We've been together 15 years now.

I have friends who married men they met at school. They've been together forever. They're miserable. Not well matched at all but neither party will acknowledge it. Their social media would have you believe everything is idyllic. On the other hand, I have several friends who met their partner later in life and they have healthy, loving relationships. You see nothing of it on socials.

It'll come. And don't believe insta.

See this is just bitter and nasty, and perhaps an insight into how you might come across without even realising it. You seem to direct a lot of misplaced anger at other people, and are of the misguided notion that all couples are madly in love and obsessed with each other. They’re not - that’s not real life. I suspect the abusive relationship you were in at 18 has had some lasting effects (speaking as someone who had a similar experience) so I’m glad you’re on the waiting list for therapy; it’ll do you the world of good. Perhaps even look into going private if you can afford it

I agree with this OP. If you do find someone you love, wouldnt you post photos on social media?- wtf is wrong with that? people arent doing it to spite you.

Hey Op, I'm a single mum and know a woman who had a kid on her own. She has her own property (inherited so no mortgage) and decided to take the risk. I see in your OP you say you are a homeowner and working in well paid job; are you sure this isn't an option for you? I know my friend hasn't much family and none that were helpful. She has a few friends and we have rallied when needed but most of the time she has had to sort things on her own, however has managed remarkably well. I do think a lot of women could do this if their financial situation is similar and it may be worth thinking on further. If we are honest a lot of men don't do the majority of the child rearing and many leave. It can be an ask to get your head around if you have a traditional viewpoint however.

I say the above because sadly 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway, so to me reading your post it sounds as though really what you want is a child...I may be wrong and having one alone is certainly a different experience to having one with a man but not always a worse one. Look up Single Mum By Choice as a concept - maybe it's an option after all.

It just seems like none of them bloody split up.

From your 10:33 post. It does come across as if you're pissed off that couple's are not breaking up, so it's not that much of a stretch.

I see that you're on the waiting list for therapy, and it very much sounds like you need this more than a relationship atthe moment.

You say it's been 12 years of being repeatedly rejected, and perhaps your therapy sessions will help you to understand why.

Get the cat or even two - you need someone in that flat to come home to that’s just yours.

The other thing that would be healthy for you is some therapy - not to fix something wrong with you but to help you with the way you are perceiving the world around you particularly the world of relationships.

Two things in particular:

You’ve talked several times in these posts about ‘everyone’ else finding partners who adore them, finding their one.

As a few posters have said that’s statistically not true - you may be unusual that you have a very high proportion of people who are in couples that you work with and in your current friendship group but you are very much not alone in being single.

The other point about this is a significant portion of those in relationships around you are not with ‘the one’ and do not have a partner who ‘simply adores them’.

You only have to read the relationship threads on here to see how many women are in at best quite mundane relationships and at worst quite terrible. Lots of people settle for someone, not the ‘one’. Lots of people have partners who are just okay and definitely don’t fall into the adoring category.

Again statistically it’s impossible that you have only people in your circles who all have the perfect partners and relationships.

But they’re not going to admit that on the day before Valentines weekend. What they seem to have - adoring partner spoiling them ahead of a loved up romantic weekend - is often a lot less special than people make out.

Which brings me to point 2 - you have mentioned Facebook posts several times and how it makes you feel seeing everyone else have what eludes you.

Again a lot of that is curated highlights around a lot of very mundane and ordinary everyday life stuff and most likely a lot a bickering.

I have no doubts that you are going to find someone to be with and amongst a lot of lovely romantic moments you’ll be fully immersed in the 80% of real life which is arguing about how to load the dishwasher for the 1000th time or whose turn it is to clean the hair out of the shower plug.

Get the cat - embrace the pleasures of the single life while you can.

@Iwilldrawjapan

OP, what kind of things do you enjoy doing when you are not at work?

Question for you: do you enjoy sex? Are you a passionate person who enjoys intimacy, do you enjoy having sex with your partners and have they told you that they enjoyed being intimate with you?

My DH is very sexy. And steady. You can have / be both.

You, on the other hand, sound like you're neither.

I've just had a look through my Facebook list, people who are single are largely either single parents, or people who've been single for a very long time (nothing wrong with that) but on the whole, majority are in relationships.

I wonder if it comes down to this: if you're drawing your candidate men from a pool of habitual daters - ie online dating, dating nights etc - then that's what you're going to get. For that part of the population, there - quite literally - are millions of other potential options out there, so as soon as things start to get a little bit difficult...back to the pool they go.

It's possible to find a long term relationship in those places, sure, but it's incredibly rare.

You're far more likely to find someone who'll stick around when they already had something invested in your relationship before you started dating; somebody you'd already made a friend of for reasons other than you both wanted to find somebody to date (which, if you think about it, is almost always the worst reason to strike up a relationship with someone).