To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

OP,
Sorry I disagree there ARE some guys out there who would very much want a relationship with you but they are invisible to you.
It's no good me telling you this though because by definition you can't see them!

Look you're going to have to settle for Mr GoodEnough.
You think other women getting married at your age are different to you? They're not, they've probably just settled, too.

It is a rare woman who says at the peak of her looks (early 20s) that she'll sacrifice girls night outs etc to focus on the guy she really wants.

I'm not knocking you at all but realise this, people just settle and put a brave face on it.

You're only different in that you can't see it.

Great advice which will be shot down as feminism wrongthink

Wrong - some men may not care about those things but other men want their partner to be their equal in all ways - high earning, successful career, etc. This isn't the 1950s.

Why should the OP settle for someone who they don't find interesting?

I put ‘reward’ in inverted commas because it was tongue in cheek.

I feel for you, I’m similar I get on we with men and my friends husbands etc but failed to find my own.

I can afford to have child on my own and will but I’d of loved a family.

I agree. Worked for me too, although I didn't tell him up front.

It wasn’t said like it. It was about knowing my worth and setting an expectation about how I wanted to be treated.

Why should she settle?
Because all those charismatic, good looking etc men of her age she wants have a pool of younger women to choose from. That's why.

Please don't look into fostering as a way to meet whatever unmet need you have just now.
Not appropriate for you or the child at present.

It might be 'creepy' but it's also effective. I will probably get shouted down for this, but I would recommend that @Iwilldrawjapan check out what Jordan Peterson has to say on this issue. He is a controversial figure and I by no means agree with everything he says, but some of his talks are quite edifying.

I've just been asked by a 39 year old man on message 3 on a dating site if I'm a 'good girl ' 🤢

Not to be pedantic but 99% aren’t in couples

Oh great, we really need an incel, red piller on this thread (Euro).

Maybe you’re doing something wrong? (I don’t know you so have no idea). 12 years of continuous rejection is too much. I would take some accountability, immerse myself in an introspective journey and call some of those ex’s who rejected you and ask them “why” (tell them you’re doing some self introspection research), once you have enough responses see if there’s a pattern.

Does that cover married couples?

Doesn't look like it.

Also wrong. Your're making some ridiculous generalisations. I have plenty of wealthy, successful, attractive male friends in my social circle who don't fit with any of your assumptions. Again, what you're claiming may be true of some men but most definitely not all.

I really can't see anything i did, and I'm not just saying that. I was positive, I wasn't pushy or anything.

Jordan Peterson is quite a pill popping misogynist so any dating advice by the guy should be taken with a massive pinch of salt.

Non of those things make someone mediocre. They make someone mediocre to YOU. You have no idea if other women fall into this category or not. Or wether other people feel the same.

What is ‘limited ambition’?

and what exactly is intelligence? Only someone who has a degree from certain universities? IQ?

Attractiveness is subjective as is charisma. Not even sure what interest is to be honest.

The point is you don’t know Op and you don’t know these other women to know what they are like. As far as you know Op may have no charisma in real life at all. Would you then downgrade her to mediocre?

Personally, I don’t see anyone as mediocre I think it’s a really shitty thing to decide unless someone fits these really narrow list of YOUR preferences they must be less than.

A lot of 30-35 year olds go for women their age. It is a myth that every man wants a young woman. Especially considering that so so many young women look like Love Island candidates. OP should take heart and think of Sienna Miller: just had her second child with a man in his late twenties. Of course, celebrities are different from most people but I fail to believe that a beautiful, successful, talented woman is going to be rejected by men her own age.

Maybe the guys you dated have a different opinion hence the reason I’m advising some introspection on your part and some feedback from them .

I think I look my best now, not when I was early 20s, I'm completely confident in how I look apart from the odd off day.
If a man rejects me for 20s then I don't want him anyway.

What does his benzo use have to do with things? And he is not a 'misogynist'. I knew that the very mention of him would bring out all the kneejerk reactions, though, so thanks for proving me right. If you don't like him, fine. My advice was for the OP.

Exactly. I am early forties, eight years older than you. I look way way better than I did in my twenties, and though I say it as shouldn't, better than many of the over made up, overweight, and overbotoxed women that I see in their twenties now.

well I'd say this looks like desperation to me....sorry but you did ask.
"I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people."