To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

I guess that these men met their wives while both young and the wives were smart enough to stick with them.

Anyway, attractive and wealthy does not necessarily equal charismatic.

You have made a lucky escape. You don’t want one, trust 💖

Use them and throw them away, like they do us

Bore off with the 'desperate' now, it's old. Just used to put women down.

You only have to look on mumsnet for a few days to realise those so called perfect relationships are actually not perfect at all

Old is full of cheaters, sex seekers etc

They project their own motivations onto women on there.

I remember a guy asking me if I was "adventurous" after a couple of messages.

I just ended the convo shortly after but I felt like saying "well I've done a solo parachute jump, travelled around west Africa, taught Tefl in Japan" etc but you don't mean that, do you?You mean some BS clicked sexual nonsense; I'm not "adventurous" if i don't send you noods or have sex; which would actually be the definition of not non adventurous, because I've fucked numerous men before.

Then there was the guy who announced he was a really good kisser in the middle of our convo about our jobs, industry, tech etc.

Most women I know who've done OLD have gotten dick pics.

There are just so many creeps and chancers on there.

Are you trying any other ways of meeting people?

I think that’s great. I wish more women felt like that.

objectively I think all women have something attractive about them.

I know you are struggling, but try not to lose that.

However, if no man has wanted to date you for more than a couple of months, there’s obviously something not working.

Do you have any friends that would be absolutely (but kindly) honest with you?

Love this attitude. Good men don't aim young, and I too look better than my chubby faced non stylish insecure self in my teens and 20s. I get asked out more now in my 40s, stared at etc

He’s got a very low opinion of women in general, and yes, a benzo addiction affects your brain usually in not a good way.

I'm not sure the OP needs to be burdened with your issues.

She has enough of her own.

'Trust'.

We already had this convo in another thread, where I went through all the ways you're wrong.

25 yr olds with almost no relationship experience, who read incel red pill shit all day, shouldn't be giving advice to adult women.

Work, but sometimes you can't win.

Last time I suggested meeting men at work, many people on here told me not to because it was a bad idea.
Then, when a colleague rejected me for that reason, they all rushed to tell me he just didn't fancy me at all and it was only an excuse. 🙄

Actually, some of them are single - highly desirable and charismatic as well as wealthy and successful.

You're just lacking empathy unfortunately. I felt exactly like OP at similar age. Now I'm married with a child, so it's been a long time since I was looking. People should be allowed to say how they feel on an anonymous forum without this sort of silliness.

There is an amazing YouTuber called Crappy Childhood Fairy who has the best education about dating I have seen. Really life-changing stuff.
( I don't like the channel name but her info is so useful).
She really helped me unlearn things that didn't help with meeting someone who wanted a proper relationship and doing the things that attracted someone who did. They are very easy listening too.

Don't despair, you only need to meet one man for all these good things to unfold!

PS I just looked at her channel and the video from yesterday was coincidentally similar to the topic of your post

Op I really feel like you’re getting a lot of unfair comments for a post where you’re clearly just feeling fed up/frustrated which is such a valid feeling.
My older sister is 34 and going through something so similar; she’s financially independent with her own property, good job, attractive, takes care of herself, nice circle of friends and with a close knit family too.
She is at a point where she’d love to meet the right person as an addition to her already great life, but is finding dating frustrating too.

The conversation we keep having is that with dating apps EVERYONE is so disposable to people and constantly will think they’ll find someone better as the apps can be addictive and that’s what is so frustrating-I think this is a universal issue a lot of people are finding and why my sister is now seeking out to meet men in more natural ways than apps.

I don’t know about what area you live in but in London it feels soo much more common for women not to be in relationships etc in their 30’s; whereas my sister and I grew up in a small-ish town in Sussex and everyone seems to be coupled up with/without kids within both our friendship circles, but it’s like these people haven’t really evolved from where we live and met/ knew their partners through school.

Sorry for a bit of a long rambling post but I hope it gives you some comfort that you’re not alone with this at all, even if you feel like it at times.

He does not have a 'very low opinion of women in general'. He actually tells men that they need to up their game in order to attract women. He is also happily married, and he has done a lot to help women who were hoodwinked into believing that they were trans men. He advocates that women shouldn't just rush into bed with any old man, which is wise advice. Can you point out which statements he has made which display a 'low opinion of women', please?

People here are all of differing opinions.

I would say trying to date men you work with is a bad idea.

and also, if a man said he didn’t date colleagues that’s fair enough. Whether he likes you or not, isn’t relevant.

But just because some people think dating men you work with is a good idea doesn’t mean it will work out for you with one particular man. And really they have no idea of he liked you and was making an excuse or if he didn’t.

We can only give advice based on our own experience. Our experiences colour our opinions. It doesn’t mean something definitely will or will not work for you

I didn't realise you were the OP of that thread.

You did seem to come across as very hung up on him, to put it mildly.

Almost to the point of harassment, in the sense you didn't want to accept what he was saying.

It didn't matter whether he fancied you or not, he didn't want to date you and that should've been the end of it.

No cliche intended, but you need to get out there for you. Not with hope or agenda. The most attractive people aren’t hinging their happiness on one particular set up or looking for someone to fulfill this for them. They have lots of things going for them: interesting career, great friends, good family, financially secure, but most of all they are confident and happy. If you are most of these things, you need to persue activities and clubs of things you enjoy, just because you love doing it. Enthusiasm is an infectious energy, so do what you do with confidence, passion and humour - and you will meet the right person for you. It’s easy to chalk failed relationships down to one’s own ability to ‘hold onto someone’ but that isn’t how equal relationships work or thrive. I’ve been where you are, watching others set up families whilst I seemed unable to hurdle 3rd dates, lots of those who were setting up those families have now disbanded or had their own difficulties, contextually I started later, but once you have the right person - everything else can fall into place very quickly. Too quickly actually. Please try to enjoy the time you have at this age, playing family with small children each weekend can be a very boring endeavour, so don’t spend your time gazing at green grass in someone else’s life, chances are they are utterly fed up too. I wish you well OP.

I get your frustration op and don’t think you are any of the shitty things some commentators have accused you of, but do you actually want a boyfriend ? It sounds more like you just don’t like being the odd one out and being different to your peer group from this comment that you’ve made several times.
Do you think maybe that is coming across, or on some level your picking men that aren’t looking for a serious relationship either? I honestly think that like attract like whether we’re aware of it or not.

I know that this will sound very old-fashioned, but would you enjoy volunteering? You never know whom you might meet and you would be making new friends at the same time.

Something like this or similar:

https://www.liverpoolwomens.nhs.uk/get-involved/become-a-volunteer/

I hardly harassed the person, he said no once and I never mentioned it to him again. But ok.

I've had quite a bit of rejection too over the years. Looking back I realise a couple of the men I dated weren't right for me.

Getting dumped/rejected can really hurt and makes us question why. The OP has clearly been down about it so please can we stop with the unhelpful comments. She's not desperate, she wants a partner. Hobbies etc are great but most of us need some intimacy although some are fine being single

I know what you mean, it just felt like they deliberately went against what I was saying.
Then when the person wasn't interested (it was a one off conversation) they all suddenly forgot what they'd previously said and were desperate to tell me he just didn't fancy me at all.
Like you said it's irrelevant and I couldn't know for sure, I don't care now, but I just felt like they were going out of their way to make me feel bad.

Can you elaborate on how I harassed this man exactly? I don't quite remember that funnily.